Borderline Dating Borderline

I am borderline and I cheat in relationships. I have had an affair with a married man. I'm married too. And at first it was great and we thought about moving in together. Then it fell apart. He became jealous and accused me of cheating (I had not).

We took time off..I thought. And got back together, he had a fit and melted down when I said I had slept with someone during our break. I thought he was a narcissist u til I found out he cut himself and was suicidal.

We had a few more intense fights and I became so angry at the names he called me and his suicide attempt I turn d him in and he almost lost his job.

I slept with someone else after because I needed to rebound or something. And we happened to start talking again. He found out about the rebound and can't even deal with it. He says that even if we were not talking we were still in a relationship. What? I've talked to his wife, she knows and I'm not his first affair. She also said he has some problems.

We get angry and call each other names. In person he throws things but I don't back because I think he'd try to get me arrested. All this time I thought he was a narcissist.

I think he might be borderline. All I know is my life has been worse since we came together. The fights and the harsh words are terrible to cope with and I've thought of suicide a lot.

We kind of are not talking now, since today i tol him he doesn't have enough money for me (why???) And he should go. Then I started texting him like begging for his attention. Then, I happened to see a fight and the police asked me about it and I'm thinking of hitting on the cop. Like, in my head I'm looking at him and doing this innocent idk what I do. And he gives me his card and writes his number on the back if I ever need anything. And no I wasn't twirling my hair. I was wearing no makeup and sweaty from a run. And as soon as I got his number I was like....forget my ex. Literally.

Honestly idk how much longer I can live with BPD. I constantly feel like I need something but what, I have no clue. Anyway, if my ex is borderline, I don't even know if he loves me, since I don't always love him.

-- Sat Jun 16, 2018 2:18 am --

As for my marriage...I hate him. He knows. I want out but I want a partner to move in with when I divorce. Also, I have not called the cop. But I did keep his number.

I also take Xanax. It's prescribed. I do t know if it helps me or makes it worse. But my anxiety is terrible.