Just found out my title.

So I knew I was different all my life. I struggled with a lot. I've been diagnosed with a lot of stuff over the pass 13 years and never took it seriously because well, everyone goes though stuff. But when I paid attention to this diagnoses and researched it, let's just say I'm still mind boggled. I was doing better this pass year,more than all my years and now that I've read exactly who I am in the research of BPD I'm just lost. I can't shake this zombie in me that I have become. Its like I thought I was alone and no one knew what I go through in my head or my thoughts and now I'm reading about myself on the Internet and everything I never could explain to my family is in print infront of my eyes. Idk what to do or think with this. I don't even know if I'm making since right now. This is my first posting on anything and with that being said, I dont even have social media of any kind. So I'm sorry for my ramblings. Back to topic, Im posting not to just get my thoughts off my chest but to see if maybe someone has some helpful thoughts of their own for me. Like i said I was ok, I was learning how to function better with the help of my boyfriend of 8 years. We didn't know about BPD and I have to say he has been my rod. But now idk if I'm in shock or whatever the case but now I'm getting worst. I'm having more and more "episodes". I cant control my emotions and I try my best not to think or go inside my head but its so loud and i can't focus. I'm confused and time is passing and i cant even remember yesterday or last week. Its all been a blurr since April which was also the 1 year anniversary of my very close Grandgathers death. He had cancer and I was the one who cared for him till his last breath, he went down hill fast. I try to put that out my mind and forget because im to scared if i think about it and try to grieve, that I won't survive. I feel helpless and even more alone than before and i feel like its all because I found out there is something scientifically wrong with me. I feel ashamed because i guess now its confirmed what everyone was saying all along was true. Ugh I don't know but this one day at a time thing isn't helping. And my boyfriend is getting the worst of it. I wish I could control it but i can't. I feel like he is looking at me differently now but of course that could all be in my head. Please help with any insight. Maybe just the stories of how you felt and what you went through when you first found out you had BPD. (I'm not in any therapy) I've only once been open minded to therapy in a bad depression and lasted one session because my therapist started crying and telling her story. I was a shoulder for her but that's not at all what I went there for and I've never been back. It was well over a year and a half ago.

Hey there, welcome
I am kinda in the same boat as you right now. The difference is I have known for years that I was bpd, but I kinda always thought maybe I was wrong... but I found coming on here really helpful, as you said, it’s great to read what you’re going through in print, it all suddenly makes sense and it’s also great to know you’re not the only one going through what you’re going through.
Helps it make sense a little. For years before I knew about bpd I couldn’t not understand what was wrong.
Did I have some kind of weird depression? Was I bipolar? Why don’t my mood swings seem to quite fit the mania of bipolar, or is it bipolar? Is it just depression? Am I just a weirdo? Lol
Why do I get myself into trouble all the time? Why can’t I control myself? Why does my life follow the same pattern of self destruction? Why when I’m in a relationship do they take over my whole world and I become a different version of myself that just wants to spend every minute with this person 24 hours a day and doesn’t care about anything else in life anymore? Why do I feel great sometimes and then want to die so bad I can’t think about anything else?
And then I came across bpd and I was like... wow this makes sense!!!
But even though I’ve kinda known for a long time I still feel really down about it. Before, there was always that bit of doubt and I could always shrug it off and go, Naa, Theres nothing wrong with me, but now it’s confirmed it’s messed me up a bit...
I completely relate to what you said about feeling ashamed. I feel like that too. And feeling even more alone than before which is something I didn’t expect. I’m coming to terms with it a bit more now though. I’m realising well 1) I already pretty much knew and 2) I’m still exactly the same as I was before, I just now have a label. You are too. It feels like something’s changed but actually, nothing has, we’re still exactly the same people.
We shouldn’t feel ashamed though, we have nothing to feel ashamed about.
I’m not in therapy right now either but I will be, eventually. I’m scared but I’m going to give it my best shot I’ve got absolutely nothing to lose anymore...
funny you should say you upset your therapist, I upset mine too. I think she had issues of her own though... but that wasn’t exactly helpful to me lol hopefully my next one will be more mentally stable haha
Maybe you should think about giving therapy another go, it’s hard to deal with this stuff alone, I’ve sought therapy whilst at the same time pushing it away, but I think I’m ready now. I realised, I have nothing to lose by engaging properly with it. And lots of people have therapy and they improve, so why not me too?
I can relate to the the blurriness too, my life has been a big blur since about October last year...
I think my brain is still processing all sorts of horrible things. It sounds like you are too.
Sorry about your grandfather. Losing a loved one in that way is so incredibly hard, don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes a long long time to get of over. I think we never do truly get over that kind of loss, we just process it and learn to accept it. But again, I think therapy would help.

Good luck, I hope you find being here helpful. X

star dust wrote:Hey there, welcome
I am kinda in the same boat as you right now. The difference is I have known for years that I was bpd, but I kinda always thought maybe I was wrong... but I found coming on here really helpful, as you said, it’s great to read what you’re going through in print, it all suddenly makes sense and it’s also great to know you’re not the only one going through what you’re going through.
Helps it make sense a little. For years before I knew about bpd I couldn’t not understand what was wrong.
Did I have some kind of weird depression? Was I bipolar? Why don’t my mood swings seem to quite fit the mania of bipolar, or is it bipolar? Is it just depression? Am I just a weirdo? Lol
Why do I get myself into trouble all the time? Why can’t I control myself? Why does my life follow the same pattern of self destruction? Why when I’m in a relationship do they take over my whole world and I become a different version of myself that just wants to spend every minute with this person 24 hours a day and doesn’t care about anything else in life anymore? Why do I feel great sometimes and then want to die so bad I can’t think about anything else?
And then I came across bpd and I was like... wow this makes sense!!!
But even though I’ve kinda known for a long time I still feel really down about it. Before, there was always that bit of doubt and I could always shrug it off and go, Naa, Theres nothing wrong with me, but now it’s confirmed it’s messed me up a bit...
I completely relate to what you said about feeling ashamed. I feel like that too. And feeling even more alone than before which is something I didn’t expect. I’m coming to terms with it a bit more now though. I’m realising well 1) I already pretty much knew and 2) I’m still exactly the same as I was before, I just now have a label. You are too. It feels like something’s changed but actually, nothing has, we’re still exactly the same people.
We shouldn’t feel ashamed though, we have nothing to feel ashamed about.
I’m not in therapy right now either but I will be, eventually. I’m scared but I’m going to give it my best shot I’ve got absolutely nothing to lose anymore...
funny you should say you upset your therapist, I upset mine too. I think she had issues of her own though... but that wasn’t exactly helpful to me lol hopefully my next one will be more mentally stable haha
Maybe you should think about giving therapy another go, it’s hard to deal with this stuff alone, I’ve sought therapy whilst at the same time pushing it away, but I think I’m ready now. I realised, I have nothing to lose by engaging properly with it. And lots of people have therapy and they improve, so why not me too?
I can relate to the the blurriness too, my life has been a big blur since about October last year...
I think my brain is still processing all sorts of horrible things. It sounds like you are too.
Sorry about your grandfather. Losing a loved one in that way is so incredibly hard, don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes a long long time to get of over. I think we never do truly get over that kind of loss, we just process it and learn to accept it. But again, I think therapy would help.

Good luck, I hope you find being here helpful. X

Thank you so much for your words!! I swear it's like I'm you and that's crazy to me bc only one person I could relate to my whole life and it was my mom. No one gets us even in normal conversations. And what's really weird is we only started to really get to know each other really good this passed year.
I will take your advice and dwell on it for a while. It's like im talking to someone who not only has been in my shoes and went through it, but also sounds like my "personality" lol. Thank you for being real and you have a good point about the therapist. Your right I need to give myself a chance and stop being in denial about it all. I'm doing the same thing you did, like "nnaaa" lol seriously though. What gets me the most is the anger. Once I get angry I go through this whirl wind of emotions that could possibly last week's. And yes it's a struggle now because you never know if it's "bpd" or normal emotions. Its like "is my emotions validated at all anymore?", kind of thing ya know. So it makes me stay my distance afraid I'm going to "over react" on someone, or get the "wrong idea". Then because I'm staying my distance everyone thinks I'm being distant. Ugh. But yes your right, maybe if I could find the right therapist I know I could go a long way. At least hope to believe so. Thank you again.

Hey,
You’re welcome
Maybe we are the same person from alternate universes. Lol
I’m paranoid now, I think I need to alter my style of writing in case someone from my real life recognises the way I speak. I doubt it but... you never know.
I have recognised a couple of people using online forums from the way they type and how they word things, the kind of things they say etc... that was slightly different though.
Oh well. Even if they did there’s no proof it’s me is there...
hi everyone from my real life! So now you know.... I’m insane... like you didn’t know already.... hahaha
Sorry I’m going on... my moods seem to be bouncing about tonight.
And yes, all of what you said is very relatable... definitely think more about the therapy!