*TW* Please help... Slipping down and don't know why

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

Hello there, this is my first post here. It will probably be a ramble so please bear with me.

I am worried I have bpd. I am seeking professional help but wanted to talk to people with experience. I'll try to condense my story...

I've always hated myself. Even as kid, felt worthless. My first memory of depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts was around 13/14.. I drank alot of alcohol, behaved generally recklessly. Somehow I did OK at school. Got chronic fatigue syndrome in my late teens which bought another round of depression. For as long as I can remember I've felt wrong. Uncomfortable in my own skin, sick, almost dirty though there's nothing sexual about it.

A few years back I had a breakdown. Depression and anxiety, eating disorder. Self harm, suicide attempts. One med in particular really didn't suit me and I had episodes of mania, with despair at the same time. It was like the drugs multiplied everything I was feeling. A psychiatrist at the time mentioned bpd but út was never followed up. Eventually found a med to suit me and had eating disorder therapy. Things got better, I got married, mostly held down a job, had a baby, came off meds. Though it never went away, just lessened.

Now I'm horribly depressed again and seeking help before it gets worse. I honestly feel if I didn't have my little family to fight for now I'd be cutting again. I feel like a yo yo... The despair is all consuming, I want to rip my skin off and escape my body. I want to bury myself and never see light again. But I also have times where I'm so happy I'm giddy and bouncing off the walls, and at the drop of a hat it's despair again. I hate myself. I feel such guilt and shame.

I'm so needy. My husband is amazing as he takes the brunt of everything. It's only recently looking back, looking in to bpd that I think I might have been manipulating him without realising. Whenever he goes out or does something without me I'm more depressed, more anxious, ill or something. I need him. I can't be without him. I'm terrified he's going to go.

I don't otherwise like to get too close to people... It makes me anxious. But I don't really have unstable relationships. I cope on a day to day basis, though that is getting harder. My emotions are all or nothing. Sometimes I feel dead, empty. But that's my middle ground.. I'm very black and white. I feel extremes it seems.

I'm functioning, I'm leading a 'normal' life. But this feels like more than depression and anxiety.

Please help.

Sorry for the rant!

I had a terrible night, so close to slipping back to old ways :'( I'm seeing my doctor this afternoon, hopefully for meds and a psych assessment. Kind of worried what he'll say when I mention bpd x

Thankyou. I am very lucky that my husband is very supportive. He clearly doesn't understand half the things I think and he does get frustrated but he is always there for me.

I'm not sure I'd want to take a friend... I have some brilliant friends (alot of us seem to have some experience with mental health so are understanding!) but I don't think I'd be able to truly open up with someone there. It's gonna be hard enough as it is.

Doctor yesterday has referred me for psychiatric assessment and have put me back on meds. Hope it helps but I feel like this is going backwards