Re. Never Ending

Can't believe I'm still in this state of flux.

I feel so stuck in my life. Diagnosed with EUPD nearly three years ago after break up of long term relationship of almost a decade. Led to losing my mortgage and closing my business along with being suicidal and spending time in a psych. After a traumatic few months which felt like a lot longer at the time, I soon started to rebuild my life. My friendships blossomed and I became the happiest I'd been throughout my entire adulthood, at the age of 28. I went travelling the world. 12 weeks from psych ward to Australia.

For about a year, I was stable, I was healthy, physically and mentally. Past anxiety and panic attacks were a thing of the past, fears of things like flying were gone. EUPD? That seemed like a long way away. I was pretty good and dealt with life with ultimate resiliency.

Then, I met my current girlfriend.

Nearly two years together and we've destroyed one another. I'm unstable again. I have been for most of the relationship. I cut myself so badly last year that I needed stitches after yet another traumatic argument between us. I've been doing DBT for 9 months, I've had hypnotherapy and we've done couple counselling. Yet nothing seems to fix us. And we can't seem to walk away.

How did we get here? Why can't we walk away from one another? How can two people who have so much incredible love for one another be so toxic in the next minute?

What am I supposed to do? I'm so fearful of losing her, I'm paralysed by the fear of ending up like I did before, in a psych ward and suicidal. My elderly parents couldn't cope again. I just want to be like I was two years ago, before we got together.

I'm stuck in a groundhog day loop that never ends. It's so painful and it's taken away our identities and our lives.

Please, if there's someone there with some advice, who has been through this and knows what to do...

Get out. If you can't leave someone, it's a sure sign you should. Then maybe lay off the relationships for a while. Find out what it is about the situation that's so toxic and making you so unstable, and then try to avoid that in the future.

Good luck.

Sometime you need someone even when its hard ,sometimes they need you !!

how are you both toxic to each other? can you give any instance?