*TW* I’ve had symptoms of bpd since early adolescence

I’m sorry if this isn’t allowed
Hi I’m not sure how to start this I’ve never posted before but here goes...
I’m 17 and I’ve had symptoms of bpd since early adolescence I have a diagnosis of severe depression and social anxiety I can’t remember how he worded it but my past psychiatrist wrote down that I do show symptoms of borderline but I was 15 at the time so there was nothing further to be looked at as I was too young I still am but I need help I can’t live like this anymore it’s torture, I have been through trauma in my childhood

((following maybe triggering to some I’m sorry but I had to pour my heart out to someone just a brief look into my childhood)

Ever since I can remember my home life has been a mess all I can remember is bad memories... my parents (step dad and mum never known my ‘real’ dad) were always arguing smashing things up sometimes physically hurting each other right in front of my eyes I also fought with me mum a lot sometimes physically I remember seeing my step dad with a black eye many times it was awful I wanted to help him I felt so awful for him but my mum turned me against him I worry about him now I hope he’s doing well.

TW

I remember being so young walking downstairs finding my step dad crying on the floor surrounded by glass my mum had stormed out he looked at me with sad eyes and told me he was sorry I’ll never forget that moment, my mum was crazy in a way she was delusional unless that’s me... she messed with my head and my step dads so much she’d tell me it was all my fault, that I caused all of this she never stopped telling me these things it’s stuck in my head and she denies ever saying all of these things to me she even told me to go jump off a bridge I’ve been severely depressed since 10/11 I remember I first started self harming around that age I think I pretty much blacked out and picked up smashed glass up from the floor and started cutting my arm I didn’t know what I was doing. I remember my mum smashing up my room, burning my things, ripping up writing I’d do she was always so paranoid about social services she’d never take the blame for what she’s done to me I love her I’ll always love her but she’s the reason I’m so broken. I remember going on holiday to Disney land... my step dad tried to hang himself there he couldn’t cope neither could I I didn’t want to go on holiday with them I knew something awful was going to happen I tried to run away but they found me and I had to go. Anyway all I remember from that memory is me screaming dropping to the floor begging him to stop my heart hurts thinking about all these things I feel so broken, feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach. Remember another holiday where my mum slit her arm open in front of me with a knife, I remember my step dad (Disneyland again) speeding because he was so stressed and nearly crashing the car killing us all I was screaming in the car trying to hold my brother and sisters not knowing if I was about to die. My nan says she came round once and saw my mum hitting my step dad through the window I was stood there watching I was a toddler so it’s gone on since I was 2/3 which is when they met my mum was already mentally unstable before but being in a relationship turned her crazy I’m so scared I’m becoming my mum.

I’m sure my mum has physically hurt me many times before too but I’m not sure if I’m being delusional as she’s so In denial about everything that’s happened to me it kills me. There’s so many memories, worse than these they come back to me in small fragments which is very frustrating. People tell me I have no reason to be depressed, that Others have been through worse that hurts I don’t mean to be like this I know others have had it worse that’s all my mum used to tell me, I know permanently feel invalid to feel this way and I feel it’s really my fault.
My step dad and mum eventually broke up around a year ago it still hurts me because everyone leaves me my mum didn’t want me I live with my boyfriend and his mum I have no other family I just feel so alone. I used to run away from home a lot since aged 10/11, my nan has said herself since I was a baby my mum didn’t seem to treat me how I should have been treated so I have no idea what went on behind closed doors she didn’t get to witness anything as my mum closed her out of her life.. my mum reflects borderline in some ways too and my nan said her mum had borderline traits. I do remember hiding in my wardrobe from my mum I think she did become physically abusive at times of course she denies this

I was always picking locks to find more tablets to overdose on (my mum locked them up because I kept overdosing) all she complained about was that she’d have to get more prescriptions for her iron tablets in hospital she didn’t come to see me when I was in there two weeks no one did, when I was in hospital from overdosing she was just angry at me she didn’t cuddle me and tell me it was okay which is what I wanted from her she got angry and complained social services would probably get involved now she told me I was stupid I crave to be loved by everyone I meet if they don’t seem to like me a lot (facial expressions, tone of voice) I’m hurt and I decide I don’t like them either I hate them. I don’t understand what’s going on inside my head I’m at rock bottom I need help but no one listens to me. My mum didn’t agree with my depression she said I have no reason to be depressed.. sometimes I wonder if I make up false memories in my head it’s very confusing and some days I’ll think I csnt have BPD because I can’t be bad enough to have it can I? I understand it’s a terrible terrible disorder and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone I just need to understand myself.

I struggle with relationships a lot, when I first meet someone it’s AMAZING everything is PERFECT about them I can’t even describe how I feel in that stage (been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years) I love them and everything about them they see me as perfect too until a couple weeks after and they do something very minor I switch and hate them I HATE everything about them everything is their fault and I take my anger out on them... that’s when they see what a monster I am I’ve hurt my boyfriend before the guilt I feel for that is unbearable please don’t let me be like my mum. I go through that pretty often sometimes I love him and he’s perfect until he says one word or looks st me in a way I find strange then I’ll start inside my head I get angry at him for very minor things I’ve heard people with bpd do something called ‘splitting’ after researching it it sounds an awful lot like what I do

I have a great fear of abandonment as everyone has left me in the past, I have no family anymore everyone’s gone when I was younger my mum forced my nan out of my life she was like a second mum to me her house was an escape from the living hell I was In
I’m the past I’ve had a couple of ‘relationships’ (barely they just used me as I was vulnerable) they just wanted sex... was stupid enough to give it to them the first/second time we met I just wanted them to love me and that’s what guys want right? All I’ve ever wanted is to find someone who loves me and takes care of me it’s all I want yet when I find it I’m not happy I don’t understand myself I’m scared I’m a monster sometimes I say awful things I flip out I’m ######6 crazy I don’t get why he’s still with me he needs to save himself... if he says he’s done in an argument though... I can’t cope everything goes black I can’t breathe my stomach hurts all I can think about is killing myself and cutting because I NEED him he csnt leave me he csnt I threaten to kill myself or cut if he hurts me yet I’ve realised I push him away and then pull him back I feel awful realising this I’m a piece of $#%^ I deserve to die. I tell him it’s over in an argument a lot but if he says it I can’t cope sometimes during an argument I’ll sort of black out and I’ll be fine again it’s very scary obviously he’s left confused still angry and I’ll look at him and wonder why he’s so wound up. I remember him saying things he denies saying this leaves me confused I don’t know if I’m delusional or if he’s messing with my head.. I know he wouldn’t do that to me but why would I make up false conversations. I could be telling him I hate him and never want to see him again but if he says he’s going to leave nope can’t cope I get confused as to why he’s leaving what have I done to deserve this ? I’m great at pushing people away.

I don’t have many friends but when I find one I’ll cling and message them constantly tag them in stuff on Facebook and will hate them if they don’t reply to my message bit soon as they do I love them again! I have attempted suicide many times and been in hospital for it, was also kept in hospital for two weeks because I was a risk to myself... I am a risk to myself if he left me I’d have to kill my self I csnt live without him he is a part of me.
Half of the time I forget what I even look like I know I have brown eyes and brown hair but what else? I’m often shocked when I look in the mirror I’ll stare for ages at my reflection then snap out of it confused, I am extremely insecure and a very very jealous person I hate my body I’m always comparing myself to every other girl I see it makes me want to die I hate the way I look I hate my body I just hate me... I’m unsure as to what my purpose in life is I don’t see a future. Sometimes I’ll just sit down and feel nothing. Nothing apart from a pit in my stomach just numbness, emptiness I hate that feeling. Without my boyfriend I’m nothing he can’t leave me I csnt be alone.
Also have an ‘addiction’ to cannabis and cigarettes smoke it daily most of the time, I binge eat daily to try fill the empty feeling but it doesn’t work, I used to steal from shops get the urge to a lot. When I feel numb sometimes I cut to feel something but it doesn’t work I don’t fee, anything.
When I look around it’s like I’m invisible or an alien, I don’t belong here it’s so strange makes me feel very uncomfortable.

It’s ruining my life, me, my relationships, my education I feel so hopeless no one listens to me I’m called a drama queen told I’m putting it on or told there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve realised I do seek attention I don’t mean to but I do in many ways I always want attention but then my social anxiety comes in.
I understand no one here can help me I just need someone else’s opinion I’ve not been able to speak about this to anyone as I know the reaction I’ll get I feel stupid saying I may have BPD but everything seems to add up I’m not trying to self diagnose I’m just very confused right now.
Paranoia, thinking people are always talking about me laughing at me and making fun of me, ‘reading’ peoples minds
Of course I’m not expecting anyone here to magically say yes I may have it I’m just wanting some advice from people who do have BPD I’m so sick of feeling like this and I’m unsure if it is just anxiety and depression they don’t seem to take me seriously as I’m under 18.