Confronting friend with BPD

I have had some long standing issues with a friend of mine who has been diagnosed with BPD. I have known her for over 20 years and though we’ve had some amazing times to together the relationship has always been a bit out of balance. I have always felt like I’ve been walking on eggshells. That feeling has only gotten stronger with age and with her diagnosis.

Her diagnosis has really helped me understand not only what she has been going through mentally and emotionally but it has also helped me understand and identify my experience within the relationship (and many other relationships). I have had to come to terms with my own issues with codependency.

That said, I’m in the process of recovery and I so desperately want to be better. I am all too aware of my faults and want nothing more than to heal. But, I really struggle with this relationship. I know I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel because there is some tension between us. And, I don’t want her to come to her own conclusions or to assume the worst. It’s not that I don’t like her. It’s her behavior I don’t like. Anything I say seems to trigger her. I can understand someone being triggered by something offensive but she cries abuse or starts to abuse over differing opinions, beliefs and interests. Either immediately getting sad and defensive OR she gets really haughty and starts trashing me to my face or she’ll do it behind my back with her girlfriend or anyone willing to listen. Any goals I have she criticizes. It’s tiring and it doesn’t do much for my self-esteem.

She gets upset because I don’t call her and she can tell I don’t much like hanging out with her and her girlfriend (who is with her all of the time). My friend has her girlfriend trashing me just as much as she does and sometimes her girlfriend is worse. It’s really sickening and after the last few times I’ve seen my friend I’ve had full on panic attacks. Not to mention the crippling anxiety I’ve had leading up to the hang out.

At this point it’s really difficult for me to be around her. I don’t like talking to her because I don’t know how. I’m afraid of triggering her. I don’t want her gossiping about me and I’m tired of feeling judged. I don’t feel like I can be myself around her and our relationship as it stands isn’t conducive for my growth (and probably not hers either). I’m not ready to confront her now. I have a lot of pent up anger and I don’t think I can communicate without hurting her feelings.

My question is how should I confront her? She has never been good with confrontation. I have watched this play out in all of her relationships. In all the years I’ve known her she will fight taking any responsibility for her actions. She is never wrong and is very focused on being right. She will twist facts to support her case or confuse fact with feeling. She’ll degrade you to get her point across. And, if she can’t come up with a good defense she will play victim.

We’ve known each other for a very long time. And, I know I have played a role in our relationship. I feel like I owe it to her and myself to have this difficult conversation. I don’t expect our relationship to be as close as it was when we were kids but if we can eliminate the tension and open up healthy communication I think we can have a healthy friendship. Or not. Maybe the friendship will end all together but I need to get this off my chest.

I hope this didn’t offend anyone with BPD. That is not my intention at all. If you have BPD I think it would be helpful for me to understand what you need from friendships or how you experience them. Maybe that will help me communicate with my friend.

Thanks for listening! I hope everyone is well. Take care.

HeyKat wrote:My question is how should I confront her? She has never been good with confrontation. I have watched this play out in all of her relationships. In all the years I’ve known her she will fight taking any responsibility for her actions. She is never wrong and is very focused on being right. She will twist facts to support her case or confuse fact with feeling. She’ll degrade you to get her point across. And, if she can’t come up with a good defense she will play victim.

If you're not comfortable talking face to face, can you show her this thread?

When the friend makes a mistake, point it out to her. reason with her as to why she is wrong. she might be true with the victim card. she might have a reason, but explain to her that her behavior can hurt others and herself.

it took me a lot of time to realize that i cannot continue with my actions whether i have a rational explanation for them or not.

my one friend has anger issues. he always blames it on the meds saying his sleeping pills wrecks his mood, we were very fed up with his rage issues but didnt know how to mention it. so i once told him that you cannot pick up a fight with someone on the street, beat him up, or get beaten up, and later say, 'oh i did this because i take meds.'

even i have issues controlling my impulses, but i have realized i cannot use the bpd impulsive card n get away with my actions all the time.

there is this thing about exclusivity. i can hang out with my friend on a one-to-one basis, but when there's a group i go numb n dont know what to say. i've told my friends about this and they're ok with my mood swings now.

its ok if you dont answer her call but later on you can give a reason why you didnt call her like you can say 'you were busy or were working.'

perejil wrote:If you're not comfortable talking face to face, can you show her this thread?

I couldn’t do that. I wish I could but she wouldn’t take that lightly.

jaus tail wrote:When the friend makes a mistake, point it out to her. reason with her as to why she is wrong. she might be true with the victim card. she might have a reason, but explain to her that her behavior can hurt others and herself.

Yeah, you’re right. I never call her out or speak up for myself when I need to. Consequently, neither of us get a chance to hear each other out.

Thank you!