Seeking Validation from Strangers on Internet

Not sure if validation is what I’m actually seeking... but I do feel awfully confused and incapable of making my own decisions at the moment. I feel I can’t trust myself or my perception of things. I feel like I already know what most healthy therapists would tell me and I know it’s also the opposite of what most of my coworkers would tell me.

I’ll try to keep it short, because I know I tend to ramble on and on and on. My boyfriend and I both agreed to stop drinking because we both have addictive personalities, and also because we are both a little unhinged and awful when we’ve been drinking. My boyfriend’s breath smelled like liquor today, so I was like, “what the hell, bro?” He told me he had just washed his mouth with mouthwash. Then I told him that I know exactly how much mouthwash was left (because it was really low) and if that same amount was there I would know he was lying and I would be PISSED. So then he said, ok it’s not mouthwash, it’s toothpaste. Now I’m just like, “Do I look stupid to you?” Anyways, I said if you keep lying so obviously, I will be even angrier than if you tell the truth. So he finally said, that he took half a shot with his friend when he went to pick something up from him. I’m thinking, if you’re that desperate and gotta lie for half a shot, what is wrong with you? Now I’m thinking that there have been SEVERAL other occasions in which he came home, I thought I smelled liquor, but when I asked he said that he only smelled of cigarettes, and so I thought I was paranoid, and left it be. Now I’m pissed because I feel like now I KNOW that he was lying all of those other times.

I was already irritated this morning, for a bunch of other reasons, including; my boyfriend is guilting me for not spending more time with him because I just started volunteering with an organization and have been on my laptop watching training videos, BUT all he wants to do is lay in bed, watch tv, etc. I do t want to do these things because I feel I will become depressed. I ask him to come with me to walk the dogs, no. Come with me to the dog’s training lesson, no. He says I’m not spending time with him, but it’s just because he doesn’t want to get out of bed at 2 pm and go for a walk, when I’m asking him to spend time with me. He says he wants to look for a better job, but he doesn’t. He says he wants to focus on self improvement, but he doesn’t. But now, on top of that, he’s lying about drinking.

(Ok just ignore the previous paragraph of rant)

I feel super confused and conflicted and I literally feel like I’m being tortured. We have talked about this so many times now, that I don’t feel I should allow it to slide any longer. I really feel like this is a deal breaker for me. But then, I find myself just wanting to emotionally distance myself, because the actual though of ending it is terrifying to me. I don’t know if I’m over exaggerating. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much. I know that what I feel I want is just for him to change, but I realize that is unrealistic. I feel like my only options when he comes home are to explode or to completely shut off and ignore him, I don’t feel like I can control myself to behave maturely and rationally. I don’t even think I WANT to behave maturely or rationally.

Not sure what I’m looking to get out of this, but commiserate with me if you feel like it. Or whatever. Thanks.

Hi,

I'll tell you how I understand things: it seems that you have evolved (in a good way), now you take good decisions for your life, you know yourself better and you know what 's good and what's not; as for your boyfriend he didn't evolve .
So, now there is a gap between you both. Don't question what you feel, it is valid, you have the right to think this way, because you can feel this gap, and that is what makes you feel uncomfortable.

I'm sure you know you can't make people change, it has to be their own decision.

Try to think about your own limits : what you can accept, what you can't accept at all. I get the lying part, I hate being lied to, and even if I've tried to push these boundaries , this is not who I am (I think) and it hurts me way too much to accept it.

Once it's done, it would be a good thing to discuss about your relationship with your boyfriend and to explain him what you won't accept anymore, what you can accept, and what you wish for your future (it has to be a calm discussion, no anger, no accusation, no ultimatum etc.).

I don't say it's easy, I understand you are afraid of ending this relationship. Sometimes it's about choosing betwen the worst and the "less worse".

Hey blackandwhite , thanks for replying. So it was definitely one of my seemingly more extreme episodes of late anyways, however it was pretty short lived so I guess that’s good at least!

Last night, after becoming increasingly irritated and finally couldn’t control myself and sent a super angry text message before he got home from work, and of course pseudo broke up with him, which is my go to when I feel out of control of a situation. He was initially defensive and angry back, understandably, but I was able to calm down and explain all of my concerns. He assured me that he will not drink anymore, that he will start going to AA again, and that he’s going to look for a better job, not in a bar like he’s working in right now where alcohol is so readily offered to him, and that he does want to make improvements. I told him I don’t really want our relationship to end, but that I’m not ok with the drinking and I have to think about what’s in my best interest. So I told him, and maybe it sounds like an ultimatum, but I said that we can continue to work in things, but I’m going to reassess things in a couple of months, and if they still haven’t improved, such as continuing to drink, then I will have to do what’s best for me.

I didn’t say mean things, which I’m proud of. I feel bad though for saying I wanted to end it, when that wasn’t what I really wanted, I just feel so strongly in those moments that I can’t take it anymore that that’s what I have to do, even if it’s not what I really want. I don’t know. I also feel kind of bad because my bf blames his drinking on me, because he says I’ve been distant and not giving him enough attention, and he brought up a situation in which a coworker put his arm around me, and that he’s been feeling insecure and started drinking because of that, even though we’ve had two different conversations about it and I feel it’s unfair to blame the other guys actions on me.

I also got a little impulsive... and I ordered two different things from infomercials while I couldn’t sleep last night after the argument... I guess I could use an air fryer, so that’s fine I guess lol

I’m trying not to let this situation put me into a hole... but I feel this total lack of motivation today and self destructive. I went and bought a pack of cigarettes even though I had quit, which tends to be a cycle of mine. I’ll quit, then something happens and I’m like, ###$ it, I don’t care about myself anyways so I might as well smoke. I did have an urge to buy a bottle of alcohol and drink to get back at him, but I didn’t, so that’s good.

I’m trying to look at the improvements I’ve obviously made within the last few ears, because three years ago, this situation would’ve ended completely differently, and way worse. But it’s still kind of defeating to fall back into some of my not so great habits and ways of coping. Every time something like this happens it consumes me, so I stop focusing on other things that are important to me, like this new volunteer position, and I’m afraid I’m going to end up giving it up, because I know I tend to get depressed after things like this, and I’m afraid I’ll lose the drive I had for it. In this way, sometimes it feels like staying in a relationship can be so dangerous.

I would have been pissed. I think you're right to be. Sometimes you just have to know when to say when.

I think you're making the right choice, though it's hard not to second guess yourself. I can relate to that wild swinging back and forth of emotion and viewpoint. Thinking one thing and then the exact opposite an hour later. It's hard to know what's true or what's real. Hard to know how to trust yourself when you, yourself can't even manage to keep straight what you think.

Staying in a relationship because you're too scared to leave is weak and foolish.

Good luck to you.

Didn't see this:

Hebi wrote:He assured me that he will not drink anymore, that he will start going to AA again, and that he’s going to look for a better job, not in a bar like he’s working in right now where alcohol is so readily offered to him, and that he does want to make improvements. I told him I don’t really want our relationship to end, but that I’m not ok with the drinking and I have to think about what’s in my best interest. So I told him, and maybe it sounds like an ultimatum, but I said that we can continue to work in things, but I’m going to reassess things in a couple of months, and if they still haven’t improved, such as continuing to drink, then I will have to do what’s best for me.

Sounds like a plan, as long as you follow through.

I didn’t say mean things, which I’m proud of.

Progress. Good job. Pat on the back, etc.

I feel bad though for saying I wanted to end it, when that wasn’t what I really wanted, I just feel so strongly in those moments that I can’t take it anymore that that’s what I have to do, even if it’s not what I really want. I don’t know.

Yes. I know. I think it's okay for now to do this extreme waffling back and forth. You're being honest in the moment, you're saying how you feel right then. As long as the other person knows you're prone to do this, it's just part of how you express yourself, and won't interpret these dramatic shifts in position as lying or manipulation. Then, at some point, maybe work on seeing a more accurate picture in the moment instead of see-sawing from one extreme to another. Assuming I've understood you correctly.

I also feel kind of bad because my bf blames his drinking on me, because he says I’ve been distant and not giving him enough attention, and he brought up a situation in which a coworker put his arm around me, and that he’s been feeling insecure and started drinking because of that, even though we’ve had two different conversations about it and I feel it’s unfair to blame the other guys actions on me.

Frankly, it is unfair, and kind of a copout.

I also got a little impulsive... and I ordered two different things from infomercials while I couldn’t sleep last night after the argument... I guess I could use an air fryer, so that’s fine I guess lol

I think we all fall back on bad habits in times of stress. It's only human. As long as you're moving forward, that's all that matters. Coping mechanisms... happen.

I’m trying not to let this situation put me into a hole... but I feel this total lack of motivation today and self destructive. I went and bought a pack of cigarettes even though I had quit, which tends to be a cycle of mine. I’ll quit, then something happens and I’m like, ###$ it, I don’t care about myself anyways so I might as well smoke. I did have an urge to buy a bottle of alcohol and drink to get back at him, but I didn’t, so that’s good.

Baby steps.

I’m trying to look at the improvements I’ve obviously made within the last few ears, because three years ago, this situation would’ve ended completely differently, and way worse. But it’s still kind of defeating to fall back into some of my not so great habits and ways of coping. Every time something like this happens it consumes me, so I stop focusing on other things that are important to me, like this new volunteer position, and I’m afraid I’m going to end up giving it up, because I know I tend to get depressed after things like this, and I’m afraid I’ll lose the drive I had for it. In this way, sometimes it feels like staying in a relationship can be so dangerous.

Good luck to you both.

Thankfully I haven't become this pathetic yet lol. I have never or will I ever care how others perceive me.