God's act on feet

Well, this is how I feel sometimes like this. I just made my mentor super mad. We had a lesson at 9:30 but I cancelled it at 9 o clock because I had slept only 3 hours. Last time i went to our lesson sleep deprived I couldn't function at all and he asked me "Why didn't you just cancel?". So this is what I did now and he got pissed off. And, although I know it is my BPD, I have this feeling that he will abandon me, that I am not good enough, that people, no matter how perfect you are, once you make a mistake are getting all mad. I am feeling lonely. I don't want him to abandon me. I am a catastrophe on feet! I can't go on feeling like a piece of crap whenever I make a single freaking mistake. I understand people have the right to get mad at me but I can't feel so much empathy right now. Sure it is not right cancelling a lesson 30 minutes before, but I acted like he asked me to when I was sleep deprived last time and went at his place for the lesson and almost fell asleep! So I know I made a mistake but I also know that it would be a "lost" lesson if I did go. Anyway Thanks for reading.

Love always,
X.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time today. I actually related a lot to what you wrote as I am very much a perfectionist and beat myself up over and over when I fall short of my standards. Really we are hardest on ourselves more than anyone else can be.

I have felt really embarrassed and terrible about myself when I messed something up. I have a fear of "getting into trouble" and I expect bad reactions out of people too. It's so hard to not know what's going on for them!

Is there some way you might be able to check in with your mentor maybe tomorrow, and do they know that you go through these issues? I'm just wondering if maybe you hear them in a different mood that you can explain what happened. Sometimes early morning appointments are the most annoying to cancel because it inconveniences people so much. I'm sure he will understand that you had thought he would have preferred you canceling your appointment since you were tired.

patientxgreece wrote:And, although I know it is my BPD, I have this feeling that he will abandon me, that I am not good enough, that people, no matter how perfect you are, once you make a mistake are getting all mad.

Sorry you're having a tough time. I can certainly relate to how you're feeling. For what it's worth, I think you made the right choice and I suspect he'll get over it eventually. Can see how that would sort of "kill your buzz" for a while, though. Maybe try to look at it this way: this susceptibiity to strong emotion has an upside as well as a down. You probably feel joy much more strongly than others, too. Yes?

By the way, what does "God's act of feet" mean? That he thinks he's god?

Hey guys, thanks a lot for your support and understanding! I guess I am doing fine and I tried really hard to show self compassion. We have an appointment tomorrow early (again, hope I will sleep well lol) and i will tell him that I meant no bad, I know it was super annoying but I did what he told me the last time I went to him sleep deprived! He is a nice guy and cares a lot about me (his gf is a lot like me and I suspect she is borderline too) and he has supported me a lot, after all I call him a mentor! But he believes that you make a diamond out of pressure not out of hugs and sometimes I just need a "hug" He cannot understand our disorder like almost everyone I know. I guess he is in denial too. He said for example that the difference between me an others is tat i have a diagnosis! You know how ppl react against mental illness. They cannot imagine the pain we can feel or have felt and think we are just acting selfishly. And yes perejil you are right and this is why I wouldn't change my disorder We just have to control the damn feelings. As for God's act on feet I just mean metaphorically that sometimes I am as good as a natural hazard lol an act of god on feet which destroys everything it touches But this not how i feel right now. Right now I feel pretty normal. I mean, come on, we are just people. Although I wanna be the perfect little boy to get love and attention and obsess over every little detail or mistake I make, I also know that this is mhm... impossible, so it doesn't make any sense to try to be perfect, we just have to do our best and achieve our full potential. There always be a better than us somewhere around the globe, I mean come on there are 6 billion ppl out there Thanks a lot again

-- Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:38 pm --

leiladream wrote: I have felt really embarrassed and terrible about myself when I messed something up. I have a fear of "getting into trouble" and I expect bad reactions out of people too. It's so hard to not know what's going on for them!

I know! It is so annoying. I see a catastrophe where anyone else would see nothing but a neutral situation, even a positive one. I always expect people to abandon me. Well, ok, not always,there are certain people that I know will not abandon me like my parents or therapist but i have major trust issues! The more I love or like someone the bigger is my fear! I mean, I thought a few months ago that my mentor would leave me just because he hasn't answered me a message. I mean, seriously I hate it when ppl don't answer a seen message, like never. But there are people who are not so keen with Facebook or messages and all. But, hello, trust issues! After all, my experience is not so good. But anyway, this is another story you will find out soon in the biggest project of my life. Cross fingers

patientxgreece wrote:Hey guys, thanks a lot for your support and understanding! I guess I am doing fine and I tried really hard to show self compassion. We have an appointment tomorrow early (again, hope I will sleep well lol) and i will tell him that I meant no bad, I know it was super annoying but I did what he told me the last time I went to him sleep deprived! He is a nice guy and cares a lot about me (his gf is a lot like me and I suspect she is borderline too) and he has supported me a lot, after all I call him a mentor! But he believes that you make a diamond out of pressure not out of hugs and sometimes I just need a "hug" He cannot understand our disorder like almost everyone I know. I guess he is in denial too. He said for example that the difference between me an others is tat i have a diagnosis! You know how ppl react against mental illness. They cannot imagine the pain we can feel or have felt and think we are just acting selfishly. And yes perejil you are right and this is why I wouldn't change my disorder We just have to control the damn feelings. As for God's act on feet I just mean metaphorically that sometimes I am as good as a natural hazard lol an act of god on feet which destroys everything it touches But this not how i feel right now. Right now I feel pretty normal. I mean, come on, we are just people. Although I wanna be the perfect little boy to get love and attention and obsess over every little detail or mistake I make, I also know that this is mhm... impossible, so it doesn't make any sense to try to be perfect, we just have to do our best and achieve our full potential. There always be a better than us somewhere around the globe, I mean come on there are 6 billion ppl out there Thanks a lot again

-- Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:38 pm --

leiladream wrote: I have felt really embarrassed and terrible about myself when I messed something up. I have a fear of "getting into trouble" and I expect bad reactions out of people too. It's so hard to not know what's going on for them!

I know! It is so annoying. I see a catastrophe where anyone else would see nothing but a neutral situation, even a positive one. I always expect people to abandon me. Well, ok, not always,there are certain people that I know will not abandon me like my parents or therapist but i have major trust issues! The more I love or like someone the bigger is my fear! I mean, I thought a few months ago that my mentor would leave me just because he hasn't answered me a message. I mean, seriously I hate it when ppl don't answer a seen message, like never. But there are people who are not so keen with Facebook or messages and all. But, hello, trust issues! After all, my experience is not so good. But anyway, this is another story you will find out soon in the biggest project of my life. Cross fingers

I am the same way, I really get how upset you felt about your mentor's reaction. I cannot handle it when almost anyone gets mad at me, I usually feel so horrible about it. If it's someone I'm really attached to, I start to feel like I'm falling apart and I have to avoid them until they're back to normal with me. It feels like they're sick of me, and some people just won't deal with it.

I also am the same way when someone doesn't reply to a message or text pretty soon, lol. I know it's unreasonable but I still get so pissed off for days, and it's hard not to think about it!!! I wish I didn't have to take it so personally but I think it's because I know how hard it is for me to do in the first place. I am extremely touchy so it's hard to avoid being affected.

@ leiladream I know I can totally relate! Why don't they just answer a message? Like, I always do! But we have to deal wth it...