I'm 17 and think I have BPD. Help

I often feel like I'm more than one person because my thoughts contradict each other as well as my emotions. I'm confused about who I am. There's one side of me that shuts down completely and I can no longer feel a thing. It can be terrifying. I also used to have horrible bursts of anger before I got on medication. I played basketball and would hurt my own team mates without a bit of remorse. ( still dont feel bad when I hurt people now) People were scared of me. They said I got a crazy look in my eye. Luckily that's much better now but I still get detached from myself and feel like another person. One side if me is happy and carefree and even kind of reckless, I do things knowing the consequences but it's a vague understanding of them. I mess up anyway because who cares about consequences right? The other side of me is extremely logical and closed off. This is where I'm most confused. I want to hurt myself when I'm happy just as much as I want to when I'm unfeeling. I know the consequences when I'm personality 2( closed off one) and usually won't act on my thoughts. My first personality likes the pain for sexual reasons and when ii start to think clearly again and see what I've done, it shocks me. I don't feel guilt, just feel idiotic because of my reckless actions. I flip back and forth rather often. What is wrong with me? Right now I don't know how I feel. I'm in neither of my personalities. I feel closer to being detached though. I think you coukd say this is my confused personality...I'm logical and know right from wrong but I'm also slightly worried and confused. I shut off when anything threatens me, I had to learn to be that way. I was raped as a child. Maybe I'm not BPD. But does anyone know what i am? If anything? ,maybe I'm actually fine. But I don't feel fine. Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

I've described myself as clearly as I can to myself. I apologize for any confusion.

Do you see a therapist? A therapist may be able to help you figure out what/if anything is going on. I cannot and won't attempt to diagnose you, but do you know about dissociative disorders? I have BPD and dissociate when I'm emotional. Almost becoming another person. Shutting down or other things. What you are describing sure sounds alot like dissociation. You can dissociate without having bpd. You can even have a dissociation disorder. I think there are some forums on that on this website. Best of luck!

According to schema therapy, this sounds like a BPD. But we are not here to diagnose anyone as you understand. Please, arrange an appointment with a good therapist and life will soon look brighter!

Love always,
X