I cannot control myself

First time posting a topic here! uhh.. i haven't been clinically diagnosed with BPD and to be honest , i don't have time to go to the doctor for it, but since some symptoms seem to be very similar to the ones of BPD, i'm posting here. I apologize in advance if this has nothing to do in this forum

So here's the problem : I've been recently (referring to about half a year now) slowly loosing control of my emotions as a whole. I had found myself helping people in the past with their problems and vents , without any problem. and today it's like i cannot keep a defined opinion over a person for more than two weeks , before they enter a weird loop between platonic love and intense hatred. I don't know how to control it. so i try and ignore it , and keep a normal behavior towards them. I don't want them to judge me.
I've also had terrible mood swings , that would get me from being at the top of my happiness one instant and being on the brink of self harming , if not already self harming the next. I try and ignore these feelings as well.

I've ignored for the longest time without much trouble , but now it's like i'm sitting on a bomb that's right about to go off. I can't sleep at night , even when i fall asleep early i wake up after 6 hour of sleep at max ; my eating schedule is so all over the place it just becomes hell on earth to try not to overdose on sugar and alcohol at times ; i have been finding myself having outbursts of anger without any trigger , and yet being so intense i have to physically pull myself away from people and internet to slowly regain my composure.. i don't know how to control myself anymore. i can't bring myself to stay normal for over a week. it feels like my emotions build up slowly , until it goes through the roof before dropping back down. I've found myself repeating "you're fine , you're fine" while in my apartment because i was repeating myself these words in my head when i felt like a depressive episode was coming along. I have no idea what defines my personality as a whole anymore. I've come to the point of asking how my friends see me, and even though the answer is always the same , i can't trust them. I don't know why. I've also had these episodes where it felt like i was being judged constantly , by everything and everyone. I can't feel at ease in my own apartment. almost like the walls are judging me

I don't know what to do , i don't know who to trust , and i don't know how to get back in control. I've tried to write down everything that goes through my brain when an intense emotion or a depressive episode comes by , but i don't know if it helps. i have no idea how to control myself anymore. I think i just wanted to know if someone knows how to deal with my current personal issues for me , but instead i'll ask this : what does it feel like to be bpd? am i just going through a phase as a young adult and this is gonna go away with time , or not?

"I've tried to write down everything that goes through my brain when an intense emotion or a depressive episode comes by , but i don't know if it helps."

As matter of fact it des. That is what I did. And that is what we do here, don't we?

Plus: You need therapy asap. Writing helps a lot, a good therapist does so more

Love always,
X.