bpd rant

Hi there,

I just wanted to rant a bit. Over the last 2 years, I've had obsessive thoughts about someone had hurt me. No matter what I'd pursue, I'd try to keep my mind occupied but thoughts would always drift back to her. I found someone that outmatched her in every way. The only problem is - she's my best friend's ex girlfriend.

My best friend is my favourite person. It's a perfect arrangement - I understand she doesn't have time to talk to me very often as she's had a child. We've been through a lot together and I know she won't abandon me. Her words validate me like no other. She knows how much of a pedestal I have her on. She knows what kind of an unhealthy love I have for her.

I feel only a little bit guilty - I felt an intense chemistry with her ex girlfriend. I felt like I lost all self control - I didn't want to make the person I value most in the world jealous or upset with me. The chemistry was that strong. To be honest, I felt more comfortable with her than my best friend.

I've been so insecure this past month. Unsure where I stand. Splitting so hard. Obsessing over this girl I like. Feeling guilt. I can't stand the rollercoaster of insecurity, but I want to get to know this girl better so badly. These past few months I've felt relatively stable and now I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I can't stop thinking about her. Waiting for her to message. Getting extremely worked up emotionally every time she messages me.

I don't think I would pursue her but we have so much in common, I can't help but to be drawn to her. I'm happy that I'm no longer thinking about the person that had hurt me, but I'm not used to this rollercoaster of insecurity anymore. Just wanted to vent a bit. These past 2 years I've focused so hard on self growth and mental health recovery that I just feel so uprooted that I'm feeling this way again. I feel just totally possessed by my thoughts about her, and neither my CBT skills or DBT skills are really helping...

This is so confusing, frustrating and tumultuous. I've made it fairly obvious to her that I'm attracted to her. I feel like we are tiptoeing around each other in a subtle exchange of attraction. I could be totally misinterpreting it. I mean, I could get it out of the way and just ask if she were not my FP's ex. I feel drawn to her ex on a spiritual, physical and mental level. I feel guilty and confused. I don't know what to do. All it's doing is making me crazy.

I feel really torn because - I feel I could potentially have a great relationship with this person; she's basically a unicorn. compatible in the facets most important to me.

but I don't know how she feels about me. I feel we're tiptoeing around eachother. I'm sure she knows the way I feel about her.

And - I feel guilty for having feelings for my FP's ex. I believe she would be understanding if we got in a relationship, but IDK. I'm terrified of a situation where the feelings towards her ex are not reciprocated and she would tell her about my feelings for her.

What do I do The uncertainty is consuming me!