how to cope with feeling invalidated?

I'm so angry and mad, I sent my aunt this really thoughtful b'day gift that I spent ages making. In response she's sent me a message talking all about what she's been doing, her family etc. Everything except "thank you" or "what a lovely gift". It actually feels like she's goading me, trying to get an explosive reaction out of me just to prove that I am indeed, as she diagnosed me, a difficult borderline.

I went thru all the other 'maybes', like 'maybe it hasn't arrived in the post yet, maybe she was prompted to send me a message for no particular reason'. It's drving me insane. I know if I message back, "Did you get your gift?" she'll never answer the question directly, she'll just change the topic. And if I hadn't sent her a gift she'd be mightily offended & it'd be yet more proof that I'm a selfish, difficult borderline.

Feel so invalidated, so frustrated! I did a nice thing, it's a thoughtful, lovely gift but I just feel ignored & so frustrated.

Skitterish wrote:I'm so angry and mad, I sent my aunt this really thoughtful b'day gift that I spent ages making. In response she's sent me a message talking all about what she's been doing, her family etc. Everything except "thank you" or "what a lovely gift". It actually feels like she's goading me, trying to get an explosive reaction out of me just to prove that I am indeed, as she diagnosed me, a difficult borderline.

I went thru all the other 'maybes', like 'maybe it hasn't arrived in the post yet, maybe she was prompted to send me a message for no particular reason'. It's drving me insane. I know if I message back, "Did you get your gift?" she'll never answer the question directly, she'll just change the topic. And if I hadn't sent her a gift she'd be mightily offended & it'd be yet more proof that I'm a selfish, difficult borderline.

I have to wonder, if you really knew all that, why you took the trouble in the first place? If a relationship with her is worth having, you should be able to count on her for better than that.

Do you really know she's manipulating you and trivializing you? If so, then why haven't you dropped the contact? If for some reason you can't or don't want to cut contact all together, why at least haven't you stopped expending all this time and emotional energy on someone so unworthy?

Are you only guessing about what she would do? Then I think it's worth clearing it up once and for all. Telling her what your feelings are, what you've just told us. if she reacts the way you fear she will, then proceed as above.

If she's as you say but you still want to/need to retain the contact, then my advice would be for you to make a firm decision to go forward with eyes wide open to her flaws. Then, knowing that she's probably not going to change and that your interactions will leave you frustrated and unsatisfied, be prepared to protect yourself by setting better limits. Good luck.

thanks perejil for invalidating my feelings, not only is it unsupportive and unsympathetic, it's condescending and unhelpful. Just what I was looking for in the bpd support forum.

Skitterish wrote:thanks perejil for invalidating my feelings, not only is it unsupportive and unsympathetic, it's condescending and unhelpful. Just what I was looking for in the bpd support forum.

I may have been unsupportive and unsympathetic, (although I don't think I bear the responsibility to be either here.) I don't agree I was condescending or unhelpful.

I gave you the advice I thought you needed. It's the advice I would want to be given if I were in your shoes. And I have been in your shoes and needed the same advice.

The blunt way I express myself isn't everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't have to be yours. My advice was earnestly given and I hope you will give me credit for having the intention to help, even if ultimately that was not the result. I'm sorry to have offended and I wish you well.

When I'm feeling invalidated, I just try some self affirmations or in a sense, try to validate myself. It might sound mean, but if I make a nice gesture towards someone and feel rejected or ignored by them, then I'm usually in my head like, "You know what, I'm such a thoughtful and nice person for thinking about them and giving them that gift, it's not my fault that they are a jerk and can't acknowledge it. I can't control what a jerk they are, but I can control my response to them being a jerk." It's pretty hard to actually control my response, but with practice it gets a lot easier.

Just try reminding yourself the good things that you know are true about yourself. Also, try reminding yourself that sure, validation from that other person may be nice, but it doesn't make you more whole by receiving it. They are the rude one if they don't extend gratitude for receiving a gift, you can't change that, but you can control your response to their rudeness and your actions in the future.