What is your true self?

I would like to ask you pwBPD's what is your true self? What are you when you are alone and don't have to pretend to please someone in order not to be abandoned?

I am asking this because my uBPDxbf was a nice guy. He spoke softly and never get angry. He always agree with me in anyway that's why I thought we were so compatible.

Do quiet borderlines ever rage and angry?
The first and last time I saw him angry was when he accidentally pour a little hot water on his fingers. I saw his face turned red, eyes bulged out, gritted teeth and ready to punch the water dispenser.

Thank you really appreciate your reply.

I don't have a true self. I am a social chameleon clinging onto anything that doesn't show me clear boundaries. When I am alone I feel lonely and empty. Too empty to even get up and buy some food most of the time. I don't put on a mask for people. I feel okay so long as someone's around I don't need to fake anything but as soon as I'm on my own... Boy oh boy do I feel hollow. I never get angry though I just feel empty 24/7. I used to get angry sometimes back when I could still feel but that was like years ago.

Thank you HumanityIsOverrated.
I can relate my ex to your reply. Some days he told me he was too lazy to get out of his house.
Do you need stimulations to regulate your emptiness? If so what kind of stimulations? My ex is now an activist in a worker rights organization. I think he always need something to overcome intense boredom and emptiness.

missnicky wrote:Thank you HumanityIsOverrated.
I can relate my ex to your reply. Some days he told me he was too lazy to get out of his house.
Do you need stimulations to regulate your emptiness? If so what kind of stimulations? My ex is now an activist in a worker rights organization. I think he always need something to overcome intense boredom and emptiness.

Well, I used to work out write and play an instrument to keep myself "entertained" when I was on my own. That was back when I still felt "okay". Since my last breakup which happened roughly 8 months ago I haven't really done anything. I also try to stay away from people as much as possible so I don't unintentionally hurt them again. It's hard but better than constantly getting into fights over nothing.

He is also playing music instruments he is a music composser. He does not have a steady job and seems unable to hold a music project for a long time. When we broke up, well actually he pushed me away out of the blue, he said he did not want to have another romantic relationship. Thank you HumanityIsOverrated for your insight I think I can figure out better now about his feelings about what in his head is.

^ i would have hated him so much for "abandoning" me but probably i would have hated him if he stayed too. lol . nevermind that comment lol
i am not diagnosed but i feel i do have a false self because of the way grew up. i am not sure if what i am feeling if is normal or not.
i feel like i don't know how to be my true self nor who that is. i have a social mask that i keep constantly and it bothers me but i don't know how to stop wearing it. alone or with people i feel empty last years. some people might fill a little that emptiness but lately is rare to find someone who can.
people think i am more calm when they first meet me,than in reality i can get more reactive/emotional/i don't know how to describe it. i hide it. you have to know me well for me to stop hiding it. i can't see why this is not something a non would do. and not normal to be honest

when i say social mask i just adapt to people and i don't know how to stop it without detaching from them. is very difficult to explain. but all nons wear a social mask. but they supposed to stop wearing at home with their friends? don't they? or they don't stop

I don't like the concept of a "true self"...To me everything I do, feel, think and behave is part of myself..sometimes I do hold back with my "true" opinions and yes, very often I just mimic the other that much that it is annoying. But to me it is still myself. It doesn't bother me that much...what bothers me more is that I never know for sure if I reallly like my friends ...

^it bothers me because i wonder if this is what is making me more introverted and not wanting to be social. but i can't tell for sure if is this. is very difficult to understand those things.
lol i don't know for sure if i really like anyone,i relate to that.

missnicky wrote:He is also playing music instruments he is a music composser. He does not have a steady job and seems unable to hold a music project for a long time. When we broke up, well actually he pushed me away out of the blue, he said he did not want to have another romantic relationship. Thank you HumanityIsOverrated for your insight I think I can figure out better now about his feelings about what in his head is.

He probaly doesn't want to hurt you... I can relate to that quite well. These days I push people away before I get nasty because when they see my frenzy alter ego they leave anyway so I figured I'd save them of having to put up with that by isolating myself completely.

I'm depressed but have found some sense of stability in solitude. I'd rather be depressed/numb than having to go through that emotional rollercoaster another time. I'm highly afraid I won't survive another one of those (I'm actually being serious).