Borderline father?

My father passed away when I was 15 years old. Lately I was looking back at my relationship with him and a lot of it sounded like he had borderline personality disorder. I don't want sympathy or a moral characterization of my father, but I would like some psychological insight on whether he does exhibit borderline personality disorder traits.

I come from a family of immigrants that moved from a somewhat muslim, yet secular country. He was very religious.

Before I start with the abuse I have suffered from his hands, I'd like to say that this man has worked very hard doing on a daily basis to stay in this country and I wouldn't have been surprised if he had depression. He's made sacrifices for me such as making me sleep with my mom instead and him sleeping on the bed in the living room because he always worried about my safety. He also spent plenty of money to save up for my university education.

I guess that demonstrates the passionate and emotional nature of BPDs and how loving they can be?

To the abuse: He never let my mom work as he was a jealous man, but him and my mother had a very loving relationship as my mom listened to every word my dad would tell her.

As I grew up, he would prohibit me or be reluctant on nice days to allow me to be friends with any girl who wasn't muslim. He even prohibited me from meeting a girl who's sisters dated mutliple men(he thought her sisters were sluts). This was when I was 7. He forced me to be friends with a girl I didn' t like just because she was from the same country and religion as me. However when I became older, and he slowly saw that this girl was becoming a rebel, he tried to end my friendship with her as well.

Other than that, he would hit me every other day and would actively be influenced by his friend who beat his daughter even more(but that friend was on meds). He would humiliate me in front of his friends, one day even telling one that he wish he could just send me off to an orphanage(this was at age 11) and broke my ipod all because he thought I was talking about him when I was talking to my mom when in fact I was upset over a fight I had gotten with a friend at age 11. He beat me up for wearing a shirt that was slightly tight at 13, and choked me for chatting on msn with a male at age 12.

Over the years, he's saperated me from many friendships with girls of different backgrounds.

Sometimes after he's hit me and humiliated me, he would hit himself and cry and sometimes if I am lucky, I would get an apology. My mom would accordingly see me as the bad person, side with my father and sometimes even sympathize with him.-because I the 12 year old makes the grown man cry so I must be the devil

He would isolate me, not let me join any extra cirriculars. He would call me fat but would not let me go to the gym because guys would watch me at age 14. He would compare me to my mom's nieces. Two of them even called him a term in my language which translates to "small-father." And when he went back to his country to visit, he did everything with one of these girls that he would never do with me(further making my daddy issues today much worse). Sidenote: that girl is not attractive so he didn't form this relationship with her because he was attracted to her. He probably just wanted a traditional daughter that differed from the rebelious, depressed and resentful daughter he already had.

His relationship with his mother was intense. He felt betrayed by her a lot and would bang his head against the wall when expressing his rage towards his mother.

As a child, he would be very angry when his mother didn't bring him good food. I believe he has called his nephew ugly before, but also promised to buy the same nephew a car? The ###$?

Other than that, the man was extremely empathetic and gave to the poor frequently. He created a mosque, and having served in the army, he became known as a celebrity in my family.

well i do not know what he had but when i wonder if i have it.if that is borderline i definitely do not have it and do not want to have it.
he didn't have empathy ,he sounds very abusive parent.
i do not know what makes you think he is borderline and not other personality disorder for example.
i often wonder about my parents so i understand the need. but you need to see specific traits of many disorders to make an assumption and from your description is see an an abusive person but i can't tell what are the specific traits of the disorder and why.

for example i bet his motive to give to the poor was to be a celebrity. not to care for them. and he obviously see you as an extension of himself. what makes you think he was empathetic.or he just wanted admiration?
did he had abandonment issues? what triggered his rage.
i have no clue, i really wonder too what he has out of curiosity. i wonder if bpd is related with domestic violence??
i am asking other forum members too.

julllia wrote:for example i bet his motive to give to the poor was to be a celebrity. not to care for them. and he obviously see you as an extension of himself. what makes you think he was empathetic.or he just wanted admiration?
did he had abandonment issues? what triggered his rage.
i have no clue, i really wonder too what he has out of curiosity. i wonder if bpd is related with domestic violence??
i am asking other forum members too.

He didn't have abandonment issues. His parents always underestimated him and conned him off of his hard earned money after he rose above and educated himself and went abroad.

I think he was empathetic to a certain level because he gave a lot of money and property to his poorer brothers. I also think he was empathetic because he did show love to those he didn't have to and also gave up having sex(sleeping with my mom) to keep me safe.

The whole image of a grown man hitting and emotionally abusing a 11 year old girl would make the average person think that he may be narcissistic or even have anti-social personality disorder. The reason why he lacked empathy when it came to me was because he saw me as an ungrateful little girl who was being given all of the things he never had growing up(his parents never physically abused him though but his brother did, his parents just betrayed him when he got older but he grew up from a poor village). He also resented me because of the sacrifices he had to make for me.

I obviously at that age wasn't able to comprehend his sacrifices and resented him for a long time because of losing friends. All I wanted to do at that age was fit in, make friends and have people I could love. I never liked him because of the abuse unlike the rest of his family and friends who saw a better side of him. I never reached out and soon he also started feeling uncomfortable about the fact that I was turning into a woman with a rebellious streak. And if you know anything about Islam or even abrehemic religions, you'd understand how a woman like that is perceived despite her age.

Anyways, I think he is bpd because his emotionally volatile nature caused him distress and caused distress in his relationships. He wasn't impulsive but he sure was unpredictable.

I used to think I had BPD for a while as well because I romanticized suicide and I believe I was depressed last year(fortunately for me, I think I overcame my depression). I am an emotionally intense person who looks for passion and intensity in her relationships. But I guess that's about it. No distress and no challenge when it comes to my functioning at least for now anyways. But it took a lot of making changes in my life for me to come to such a state.

I'm sure you must have all kinds of feelings towards your father, from the loss of him, the abuse, the actions, the words, I can relate in a way of also trying to find some understanding or meaning of why my parents did the things they did. I mean, he could've been or he could not have been. It would be hard to tell without an actual professional actually speaking to him about his inner workings. If he had BPD, would that change anything for you? It sounds like a lot of what he did wasn't fair to you, some of it was completely cruel. I'm not sure if he was diagnosed with BPD if that would change anything for you.

i agree with the above.
what i feel from your text reminds me
how painful it was to realize how egotistical my father's choices were and what i experienced wasn't love nor empathy.and he had the audacity to claim that all the things he did to hurt me,was because he loved me and for me. his love was very egotistical,lacking empathy.

after my father i started wondering about myself.and how traumatic it was and how this could affected my whole life and changed me.

your experience is very upseting even to read. i can't diagnose,and very often disorders even coexist,so he could even have traits of 2 disorders. but personally and being emotional is impossible to believe that this person you describe had emotional empathy.
also is sad that i often see narcissism in religions.i see it so often that i think are related,for some reason it attracts people who lack empathy. god and religion suppose to be about love. why it is about shame and control and hate and lack of compassion

i agree with @hebi that you can't understand without a professional knowing his inner thoughts.everything could be possible.

for example about gifts a quote:
"they found that narcissists give gifts that ideally keep the recipient’s devotion or allegiance to them going strong. Specifically, narcissists give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship.

You don’t get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.

It’s normal to want to show affection for significant others with nice gifts, or to splurge on holidays or nice meals, but we don’t offer these gifts to engender obligation or foster obedience from our partners. But narcissists give out of fear and out of their need to continue the game.

Philanthropists are encouraged to “give until it hurts,” but narcissists give because it hurts. The potential pain of losing their audience drives them to do what they feel will keep the admiration flowing."