Cutting someone off because irrational fears of abandonment?

So my FP is my best friend. And it's taken a while but we somehow make it work with my craziness. And I've had to do a lot of work, too. But it's been worth it so far.

Anyway she's in her late 30s and she's never really been into having kids, but it's never been off the table completely and for a couple reasons the possibility of this might be getting slightly more 'real'. And so this has been bothering me and dysregulating me very recently. I think these fears are mostly irrational for now but maybe not irrational enough for me to convince myself of that so I'm living through the past few days by thinking that if it ever were to happen, I'd be in control, and I'd cut off contact with her once and for all, to avoid torturing myself and so I can move on and focus on other relationships. I just don't think I want to handle the constant triggers that will come. It's hard enough since we moved away from each other. This would definitely be not a noble thing to do to a best friend, but I sort of 'justify' it in that she would understand, since she knows that I'm emotionally sensitive and if she knew how much our relationship keeps triggering me, she'd get it.

I'm a lot younger than she is, and I'm still figuring out finding a family of my own. At this point in my life the dynamic just causes me anxiety. I wish that my FP could be someone closer to my own age and in the same place that I am, because well, a 'safe' person to attach to is someone who isn't going to have a child to think about.

Every time I think about this I feel the 'sick' feeling of abandonment fear. Tight throat, unbelievable tension, tears, rage.

I'm so exhausted of feeling so emotionally dependent on this person and so drained. But the thought of not having anyone who understands me so well, someone I know and trust so well, is horrifying. I feel like this friendship that found me is a once in a lifetime thing. But I think this situation would be my breaking point, or I just wouldn't be a strong enough person to try and put myself through all that hell just to be a good friend.

I'm not sure what I'm asking the forum. I think just writing it all out maybe gives me some distance. Or any tips to get through the emotional distress response. Or just remind me that this worry will die down with time.
My life and relationships are going so well otherwise that I think I just need something to latch onto to freak out about.

Hi highwaytraveller,

I have gone through a similar situation with my own FP. There are a few differences in our situations but overall the picture is the same. My FP and are around the same age but we are both women who thought we would never have children. But things happen and she ended up with one of those surprise pregnancies, which she decided she really wanted. I thought it was going to be the end of our friendship. At the time, all I could imagine was all her time being devoted to the baby and there would be none left over for me. Selfish huh?? I just didn't understand where I was going to fit into her life anymore. I was ready for the friendship to end. And it was such a hard time.

But what actually ended up happening was that her pregnancy, birth of her child and the years after only brought us closer. And I absolutely fell in love with her little boy. Yes, sometimes she can't get back to me right away and I wasn't seeing her as often so decided to start staying overnight for weekend visits. What hurt me more was her moving an hour away. That was a big blow, but something I know she needed to do.

You might want to start looking at your friendship with FP in more of a grey scale, instead of it having to be a certain way. Hard stuff. But all of this is really a moot point because it hasn't even happened yet. And when/if it does, who really knows how things will work out. She might really need your support and that might bring you closer.

I understand all your anxieties as I remember having them as well. And your right sometimes our minds come up with things to worry about when things seem to be going well.

Anyways, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in for what it's worth. All the best to you .

This made me feel comforted, to know that it's happened before and you're ok; thank you for sharing.
I guess reading how your friendship turned out still scares me, because it would still be really hard along with the positive. I think I'll just try and forget about it for now, and if it does ever happen, I'll come back and read this over and over again ...

I almost did this yesterday. Sometimes it seems it's easier for the person not to be there. At least then they can't abandon us.

Omg, I just found me and my friend in your description (she's a borderline). I've never before heard of this term "fp", but it is what our relationship could be described like (minus the kid and age difference). I now feel the need to open a topic about this. I hope everything goes well with you and your friend, you shouldn't be worried about a baby, it might be a reason to bring you closer to her.