Raising a glass to rock bottom - BPD style

Hello all

I posted this a few days ago but it ended up in the general forum, not sure how or why, but i want it in the BPD forum, so here goes, second time around..

I hit rock bottom on Monday. Here's what happened:
Since April on this year, i have been struggling to accept that my best friend of 10 years has a partner now and as a result15 new friends. We used to hang out all the time. And since April, barely anything. Queue abandonment. 10 years she has known me and suspected the whole time i had BPD, only mentioned it to me a few months ago, and i have since looked into it. Queue struggle street.

Then, because of so much change and disruption in our dynamic, i become so depressed that i can't function. I go to the doctor. I follow her advice for two months to help, to no avail. Meanwhile, my friendship is deteriorating because i ask her to do something and she is already busy with her new life. So i become enraged, frantically trying to make her stay friends with me, even by trying to manipulate her. All the trademark qualities of a BPD person. And i say horrible things to her. I regret it when i am thinking calmly and clearly. 

I go back to the doctor because things are bad. She prescribes a medication to cope, with a side effect of becoming anxious.. well, more so than usual. Half dose for 5 days, then full doses. 

Day 5 rolls around. Full dose. And i am launched into a full scale anxiety / panicky / craze. I lose the plot, i become relentless with my nasty messages to her, i am mean and nasty in what i say. I am so ashamed now reading the things i wrote. She has put up with outbursts like this from me over the years. This time, though, it went too far. My inability to cope with change and her moving on in her life and away from me triggers me to a panicked and crazed point.

She told me she didn't hate me. She told me she had no ill feelings toward me. And then stopped talking to me. 
Oh. We work together. So the next day i send her an apology over our work communicator. No response. Sent another. No response. 

Then i get called into a meeting. And she has told my boss all about what has been happening, because they are all concerned about my safety - i had told her in one of my rages that the way she had made me feel was so bad that i could just jump off the balcony of the building. And i meant it, in that time of complete rage.

So my boss knows now that i have this thing, this severely debilitating mental issue. They organised same day travel (across the country) for the head of Human Resources to meet with me, to help sort everything out. I am not allowed to talk to my best friend any more because i hurt her too much. My boss also organised to have a psychologist at our office after our meeting, in case i wanted to meet with her. And now they are allowing me to see the psychologist regularly to help me get through this, at no cost to me.

I have never been to a counsellor or psychologist before. I know i should. But haven't. 

So i am being issued with a letter to say i can't talk to her like that anymore, fair enough, i know it was horrible and i hate that my mind goes to a place where i can even think these things. But, my boss has said they will support me as much as i need to get back to a happy and good place and to work through this. 

So, i have been medicated - something i have been avoiding for years - and it ultimately ended in me having a massive freak out where i relentlessly attacked my best friend using words, to being banned from her, to having my boss know about this, and talking to a psychologist for the first time in my life because my whole world just imploded all at once. 

My boss says the firm cares about me. I am not sure i believe him. To me, they're only doing all of this to cover their ass for my (ex?) Best friend or in case i do jump off the building, they don't want that sort of responsibility. 
I am sure it is my mind deceiving me. 

She was also my only friend. Makes getting on with life pretty difficult. I have no friends now. I pushed her away, that was me. Queue rock bottom. Now i have to somehow rebuild my life without any friends or social outlet, and i have no idea how i will do that.

i will not help much sorry but i hate them.friends always put their boyfriend above you.ALWAYS.
my only conclusion is that the only solution is to do the same.
why do you want her specifically? i get detached.
she doesn’t seem like a good friend anyway.why is she so special ,it seems like you can find others like her

Thanks for replying, even if you think what you say is of little help, the gesture means a lot - someone taking the time to actually reply.

What is so special about her? She is (was) my only friend. My favourite person in the world. The one i talked to all the time about everything. The person i did things with - coffees, movies, trips, etc. So the lack of her in my life is a bit devastating because i am left with nothing.

I don't understand why people ditch their friends when they find a romantic partner. I think that is the lowest and cheapest thing a person can do. Casting aside a friend, and a 10 year long friendship at that. What a joke!

My Psychologist is helping me build up other areas of my life to focus on so i don't rely so heavily on one person. Fair enough, really.

Thanks for replying, even if you think what you say is of little help, the gesture means a lot - someone taking the time to actually reply.

you are so kind ♥♥♥

well even if they do not ditch them, you are not a priority anymore. i think is because intimacy will always be greater with romantic relationships.
but she sounds so replaceable. you on the other hand i am jealous i do not have a person like you more than her,and not her at all.she sounds so replaceable like i can found 1000 people like her.
i think what your psychologist doing is the greatest idea. i would probably need to do it too. but i know is hard or how it feels when you just want one thing or person only.
i wonder too why i can attach to one thing only and everything else seem bleak.
i have read when you do not have good self esteem is impossible to believe you deserve better and that you will ever found better but you do and you can.

That's rough. I'm sorry you're going through that. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I understand how debilitating BPD feelings towards your best friend can be. My BFF triggers my BPD more than my boyfriend actually, so I def understand that. Working together probably makes everything worse...

Hang in there :/

Wow...what an ordeal. As someone in the same boat as you all I can say is it sucks all round. My FP got into a new relationship a few months ago and things haven't been the same since. I was dropped. Abandoned. She didn't care how I felt, even when I tried to explain it to her over and over again (which didn't even help). All she could see was this new relationship and the lifestyle/friendships she was getting from it. Well, me on the other hand, like you, was completely devastated. She was my only friend as well.

I know I would never do that to a friend of mine. Different people have different morals and values. I am slowly trying to build up a friendship with her again. But it won't ever really be the same. Now it feels like everything is on her terms, and basically I just have to accept it or decide the friendship isn't for me. But it's hard for some people to imagine losing that one important person in your life. So whether healthy or unhealthy, I continue to try.

So, give yourself time to grieve. It will hurt a lot. But it will get better. I'm glad to hear you are seeing a psychologist and building up other areas of your life. This will help as well. I am also seeing a psychologist to work on my neediness and to try to figure out what friendships *should* actually look/be like.

It must be hard seeing her at work/working with her.

I wish I had more to offer you but I'm still trying to figure this stuff out as well.

Stay Strong!!

julllia - Thanks for your reply. I don't know that she is replaceable. I can't imagine ever finding another person I like so much and want in my life like she was. And I don't have a lot of social outlets, so making a new friend is going to be next to impossible. But if I made a new friend, I think I have learned my lesson - never get attached. I feel like this whole thing has really only taught me not to rely on anyone, everyone just leaves anyway. Queue the abandonment. What a vicious cycle.
Are you seeing a Psychologist? If you think what my Psychologist is doing with me may be beneficial to you and your situation, it may be worth discussing it with yours? Or, try to see one so you can discuss it.

Lilybean - Thank you for your reply. Despite being part of a forum for people with BPD, and knowing that a frequent thing to happen is one's FP to walk away (through whatever circumstances - perceived or actual), I have felt completely alone in this, like I am literally the only one in the world this specifically has happened to. Until I read your reply - thank you so much. Misery loves company, safety in numbers, queue whatever other cliches you can think of.
I relate so much to your situation. On one hand, it gives me hope that one day I might be able to begin rebuilding a friendship with her, on the other hand, it is a kick in the guts because as much as I know things will never be the same, reading your scenario does confirm that. I don't mean to say whatever happens to one will happen to all. But in my mind, when I am thinking clearly and logically, there is no way we can ever return to where we were. She has a whole new life now anyway, and I mean next to nothing to her, so chances of it ever going back to even 5% of what it used to be is somewhat unlikely.
I understand what you mean about things being on her terms. She has told me "I can't talk to you on non-work related matters" - how cold and heartless is that? And it's only because we are in the same office that I am being afforded that generous allowance. And when she is 'ready' she might talk to me again, but I feel like all I will be is something similar to a helpless puppy, following her around - when/if she decides to talk to me again. As though she is doing me a favour, and not because she actually wants to be my friend. I say that because the last few weeks when I have suggested doing something, like going for a coffee break at work, the response is "do you want to go?" - surely I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise? So I guess I have been feeling like a tag along loser for ages, since April, to be honest. It sucks.

I really want to make my life better, so I really am trying with the Psychologist. She told me I speak beautifully and calmly and logically, and that I should remember and 'celebrate' that compliment.

My history with friendships is usually to have one main friend, who I focus on 90% and a couple of other friends, who I like, and talk to, but they don't really 'add' anything to my life, as harsh as that sounds. And at some point, that main friendship dissolves, and I move onto the next one - somehow. But it never has been an issue until this friendship. Well, an issue insofar as it prompting suicidal tendencies and intervention from my employer..
I can see that I have become quite needy, and I definitely think I should mention this to my Psychologist to also get a good understanding of the expectations of a 'normal' friendship, and what it actually entails.
Have you made any progress with it?
Thank you for your advice. My Psychologist also mentioned the 'grieving' thing, which, at the time, I didn't think much of. But since my last appointment, I have been thinking more about it and can see the logic there, and that there is actually something to grieve. I feel like the time it will take to grieve her will be the rest of my life, she just meant that much to me.

It's all very sad.

Starlight87

I relate so much to your situation. And genuinely feel your heartache. It's so hard to lose someone you had such an important bond with. For the first few months, me and my FP didn't talk that much and it heart my heart so badly. I caused a lot of drama during this time and acted like a child. I was ashamed of my behaviour. I even went back to SH. Something I had not done in many years and something I'm embarrassed about. I didn't know how to handle the perceived abandonment, betrayal and disloyalty. Please don't discount grief...it's takes quite a while to work through those stages. If you think about it, you losing her friendship is like a death in a way.

You are right, even if you recover some type of relationship with her. Things will never be the same. I am finding that myself. It's hard to take. And as I've said before, right now it seems like everything is on her terms. I feel I have no say or control in the friendship. My self dignity is definitely taking a hit.

Working with my Psychologist is helping. But it's a slow process. I wouldn't doubt if I was triggered right now, I wouldn't revert to some unhelpful behaviours. Unfortunately, they don't have DBT where I live, because I think that would also be helpful.

You never know what might happen in the future. There was also a lot of forgiving I had to do on my end. And I had to actually let go of it. After you have worked on yourself for awhile, she might want to start some sort of friendship with you again. Who knows. But the important thing is that you are working on yourself. One thing I have learned is as soon as people think you are needy, they tend to back off and run the other way.

PM me anytime... I have lots to say on this subject. It's been one that has literally driving me crazy for months now. BTW...you're right...misery does love company lol.

Virtual Hugs!!

julllia - Thanks for your reply. I don't know that she is replaceable. I can't imagine ever finding another person I like so much and want in my life like she was. And I don't have a lot of social outlets, so making a new friend is going to be next to impossible. But if I made a new friend, I think I have learned my lesson - never get attached. I feel like this whole thing has really only taught me not to rely on anyone, everyone just leaves anyway. Queue the abandonment. What a vicious cycle.
Are you seeing a Psychologist? If you think what my Psychologist is doing with me may be beneficial to you and your situation, it may be worth discussing it with yours? Or, try to see one so you can discuss it.

i am not seeing one. i wish i did. i think the logical thing is to take a class or find a hobbie to meet people. i find actually easy to talk to people and be friendly. what i find difficult is to want them more. but the hobbie requires money and time and actually knowing what you like. (the last time i had one i obsessed and it broke my heart at the end)
that is one of my problems.i do not want to attach to anyone because i do not want to feel like this.but this is awful to live like this ,not wanting anyone. i still get attached but i can't to anyone,only to certain people that trigger it for some reason,so is rare. i think most people are satisfied with acquaintances but to me they feel like nothing.even if you can talk to people superficially ,you can't connect with them most of times. sometimes i wish there were people like in the forum, so they could relate or understand me more.but you know real life i can't open up about things like this.

i have more egoism and i hate the other when he leaves me even i am in pain. she is replaceable because she can leave you. everyone is like this. why do you even want to have a friendship with her anymore. i get triggered to hate her i guess because she left you.maybe she didn't even leave you though,she just wanted less time because she has a bf.but i get triggered with that and "hate"them and want to never talk to them again

i mean i know we shouldn't obsess only with one thing but i am prone to only obsess with one thing and want nothing else at all. the wise thing is to not have only one.but many.