Messed up again (mostly rant...)

Hey everyone,

Wanted to create a thread because I've been struggling extra hard with jealousy and fear of abandonment lately. I always have, but it has gotten so much worse in the last few months that I go into hysterics to the point of hyperventilation.

I've been on and off again with the same man for a little over 3 years now. There were some trust issues in the past, but I got over them (I thought). For the past 3 or 4 months, I've prided myself on finally letting those feelings go. I was able to let my boyfriend go out without blowing up his phone, but I seem to have cracked again. I am back to sending way too many texts, calling over and over, and when I don't get an answer, or the answer doesn't seem sufficient for some reason, I go off the wall imagining him with someone else, or plotting our ultimate breakup. I know my belligerent behavior makes it worse, but I can't stop myself.

Every time my boyfriend says he doesn't want to hang out, I am immediately suspicious. "why?" If hes going out, "who are you with?" "where are you?" "are you wearing cologne?" I am so embarrassed to admit this because in the moment it feels rational and shortly after I look at what I said and I just cry. I feel like every time this happens, I get further away from being able to better myself and let my boyfriend breathe.

Do any of you have experience with this insane feeling? It is driving me to act like a complete fool..