I want to give up on relationships, but I can't...

I want to give up on relationships for good. I have said it before, to myself and others, but this time I want it more than ever. "Romantic" relationships that will say. The guys always almost acts very interested when we first meet, but then... not so much interested. I know that it's because of the fact that all the guys I basically meet lives far away from me. I am meeting them on holiday. So I know what I'm getting into when I only are hooking up with them for a night or two. But the case with me is that I don't seem to be able to meet anyone even in a short amount of time without getting feelings for them. I'm getting way too attached straight away. I just want them to heel me, but they unintentionally do the opposite. They make me feel more broken and alone when we say that final good bye(see you never more).

I know in advance every time that I shouldn't meet anyone that I can't build a relationship with, but I do it anyway. I guess I choose to meet them far away these days, because when it fails I at least doesn't need to be forced to see them again and be reminded by them all the time. It's hard enough to have them so close-by in my head. When I am close with a guy I feel SO good. It's the strongest drug for me and the worst.
So I have decided to TRY to close the door to my heart and never fall for another guy again.
Haha! Good luck with that, is what I have to say to myself.
In a few weeks I will be longing for that epic love again.
The love that never wants to see me.

How is it for you guys?

I'm basically already there. It's a great time to discover yourself, your likes and passions if you have any.

Loneliness is temporary. I've found having distractions helps a lot, and then I don't really feel lonely.

Truth is I'm too inept for real relationships and kind of feel like they're more trouble than they're worth.

But maybe I'm just being cynical? Either way this very topic has been on my mind ALL day.

Ok you guys have finally convinced me. I am too broken for relationships. Of course i long for them. But it just never works because i always find a way to push the women away sooner or late (most of the time pretty soon, but some stay and then it gets ugly) I always find a way to screw things up. And hurt everyone. This has to end.

Story of my life, screwing everyone at everything with anything which leads to nothing up.
(You can say this sentence in any way and any way would be true)

I think i should say thanks now. So, thanks. Being blunt, i feel nothing.

I understand you and I probably shouldn't be responding to this because I wanted to say that it's a cycle. I have the same exact thoughts as you except I continue throwing myself into relationships. Do you think you are codependent or are you simply addicted & used to being in relationships?I've got a guy I've been dealing with & treating him like trash due to trust issues & fears he's constantly losing interest in me when I'm the one losing interest at times and yet when he wants to leave, I get really sad & angry & feel like I was right about him the entire time.

Are you sure the guys lose interest or are those your fears at work? Honestly although I know a cycle I can't stop the rollercoaster. These have sent me to the hospital before too.

Trying to be helpful:

It is very hard to keep up what you want when other people are around. People who do what they do and are unfazed by the opinions and expectations of others always amaze me.

It is also very hard to close up the door to your heart. At least consciously. I have tried so many times. The only time when i am unfazed by everything is when i am dissociating. It's like being submerged in vast ocean without any waves on it. That's what it feels like for me. It's a complete system shut-off.

I guess i am dissociating. I have no idea how i will deal with this when i emerge again.

I agree that love is the strongest drug. I am an addict too. It fills up the void "quite nicely" and when i am in "cute mode", i am not in "angry mode". But i need to stop. I too have no idea how. Objectively i KNOW i will get into the cycle again.
Already the dissociation - although "nice" at the beginning - creeps up on me.

I really wish I could articulate what I want to say, but the words escape me.

I relate to the dissociation, thejan. Describing your emotional landscape is how I feel. Most of the time. It's like, if you imagine a very large pond, and anything that happens that causes an emotional reaction inside, is normally like throwing a very large boulder in the pond and the resulting huge wave that propogates outward...

But when I'm dissociating, it's just still, calm waters.

Most of the time though, my emotional landscape feels like still waters, and just about everything that happens to me is just like throwing a very tiny pebble in the pond.

It's often hard for me to describe my feelings, so I hope that makes sense.

I wish I could give a better reply, but it's just not in me right now.

LilithxScorpius wrote:I understand you and I probably shouldn't be responding to this because I wanted to say that it's a cycle. I have the same exact thoughts as you except I continue throwing myself into relationships. Do you think you are codependent or are you simply addicted & used to being in relationships?I've got a guy I've been dealing with & treating him like trash due to trust issues & fears he's constantly losing interest in me when I'm the one losing interest at times and yet when he wants to leave, I get really sad & angry & feel like I was right about him the entire time.

Are you sure the guys lose interest or are those your fears at work? Honestly although I know a cycle I can't stop the rollercoaster. These have sent me to the hospital before too.

This is such an exhausting illness to have, isn't it? I have done similar before and now I am at a point where I let people know up front that i'm not interested in dating. I simply don't have the emotional capacity to maintain a mature relationship right now, but I am working on it. I have to be alone to work on it. But then I try to get intimacy in other ways, in ways that aren't really who I am, but I need to feel close to someone you know? It's hurting me I think, I'm definitely sad about being alone today.