TRUST in romantic relationships...

Writing here to you guys because I am on my second day this week of totally losing my composure. I am 20, nearly 21. My boyfriend turned 21 two days ago- he has my full love and trust but my brain doesn't want me to trust him. He went out with friends and I bothered him nearly the entire evening, on top of being nervous, upset and almost angry at him for about 3 days prior. He deserves to have a good time, and a life of his own. We've been through some hellish things together, and I know just by him being in my life these days that he truly does love me.
So what is my problem? Do any of you experience this pathological jealousy/anxiety? I feel as if when he goes out with his friends, that his friends are going to try and hook him up with a girl or that they'd hide it from me, things like this. Why am I having these thoughts? He is out now, and I've texted him 5 times in the last 3 hours, I cannot text him anymore or I will ruin everything. He is at his witt's end I believe. Staying busy doesn't work. I try and nap. But the point isn't how to cope, I want to stop doing this altogether.
Why can't I be a normal girlfriend, tell my boyfriend to have a nice time and mind my own business for the evening? It feels awfully pathetic, and it is such predictable behavior that he always walks on egg-shells. I haven't been diagnosed but the way my struggles have increased and the symptoms I exhibit, I have a world-class hunch that I am living with BPD. I feel like a terror, and wonder why he even loves me after all the pestering, questioning, etc...I would give anything to be able to stop this awful mistrusting behavior. I am so afraid of being left alone that I will just continue to try and force communication until he cannot stand me anymore. It's a cycle, and I go through it every hour. I'm constantly racing back and forth between telling myself how dumb I'm being and the ideations of him being with someone else or something being hidden from me.
Can anyone identify with me? I feel so alone and scared and don't want to lose my relationship because I cannot trust anyone I am with romantically.

psystudent20 wrote:So what is my problem? Do any of you experience this pathological jealousy/anxiety? I feel as if when he goes out with his friends, that his friends are going to try and hook him up with a girl or that they'd hide it from me, things like this. Why am I having these thoughts? He is out now, and I've texted him 5 times in the last 3 hours, I cannot text him anymore or I will ruin everything. He is at his witt's end I believe. Staying busy doesn't work. I try and nap. But the point isn't how to cope, I want to stop doing this altogether.

I hate to bum you out, but that may never happen and almost certainly won't happen soon.

Why can't I be a normal girlfriend, tell my boyfriend to have a nice time and mind my own business for the evening?

Look at it this way... if you keep doing things that annoy him and he's with you anyway, it means you must be pretty special.

It feels awfully pathetic, and it is such predictable behavior that he always walks on egg-shells. I haven't been diagnosed but the way my struggles have increased and the symptoms I exhibit, I have a world-class hunch that I am living with BPD. I feel like a terror, and wonder why he even loves me after all the pestering, questioning, etc...I would give anything to be able to stop this awful mistrusting behavior. I am so afraid of being left alone that I will just continue to try and force communication until he cannot stand me anymore. It's a cycle, and I go through it every hour. I'm constantly racing back and forth between telling myself how dumb I'm being and the ideations of him being with someone else or something being hidden from me.

Sorry, I've no wise advice to give you. I haven't really figured that one out myself.

Can anyone identify with me? I feel so alone and scared and don't want to lose my relationship because I cannot trust anyone I am with romantically.

Good to see you posting down here again.

Looking back over it, that may have been a bit of a high handed answer. In any case, I wish you peace.

perejil wrote:Looking back over it, that may have been a bit of a high handed answer. In any case, I wish you peace.

Any answer serves me well. I know everybody here [whom I've encountered, anyway] means well. I appreciate your response Perejil. Hope you're well, too. I know and can feel that there is no end in sight when it comes to the ridiculousness that comes over me when I'm left alone.

I totally identify with your post, and was the same way when I was your age and as a teenager. I used to drive to my high school boyfriend's house and knock on his window, panicking that he didn't love me anymore and was going to leave me. He seemed to understand me and did reassure me. I was so scared.

The only way I was able to stop doing that to my partners, was after being traumatized by actually being left for another woman with my last boyfriend. My worst abandonment fear came true. I then realized that someone doesn't have to be with me if they don't want to. I'm not saying you must go through that, but it toughened me up. I was single for 6 years but did hook up with unavailable people.

I became so guarded since then, that now loved ones are the ones trying to get me to trust them. People sense my defenses. I know this is not reassuring, but I've had to learn to trust myself more, I guess. If I can't trust someone else, I try to be trustworthy to them at least. That's what I learned about trust.

When I am terrified of losing someone, I sit by myself alone and I go through it. I cry a lot. I do not self harm. I try to resist doing something bad. I get the things that I use for comfort, like I love essential oils. I sit with the pain, feeling like I'm gonna die and cry a lot. I couldn't do that before but now I know the feelings eventually do pass. It won't kill me but sure as hell feels like it.

leiladream wrote:I totally identify with your post, and was the same way when I was your age and as a teenager. I used to drive to my high school boyfriend's house and knock on his window, panicking that he didn't love me anymore and was going to leave me. He seemed to understand me and did reassure me. I was so scared.

The only way I was able to stop doing that to my partners, was after being traumatized by actually being left for another woman with my last boyfriend. My worst abandonment fear came true. I then realized that someone doesn't have to be with me if they don't want to. I'm not saying you must go through that, but it toughened me up. I was single for 6 years but did hook up with unavailable people.

I became so guarded since then, that now loved ones are the ones trying to get me to trust them. People sense my defenses. I know this is not reassuring, but I've had to learn to trust myself more, I guess. If I can't trust someone else, I try to be trustworthy to them at least. That's what I learned about trust.

When I am terrified of losing someone, I sit by myself alone and I go through it. I cry a lot. I do not self harm. I try to resist doing something bad. I get the things that I use for comfort, like I love essential oils. I sit with the pain, feeling like I'm gonna die and cry a lot. I couldn't do that before but now I know the feelings eventually do pass. It won't kill me but sure as hell feels like it.

Wow, thank you so much leiladream

I can identify that the feelings will pass, but can't seem to keep myself sane while I'm waiting for that to happen. If he's out until 2am, I'm crying until 2am. I cry a lot too. I like what you said about being trustworthy- I agree. I strive to be the best girlfriend I can be because there are some areas in which I am weak...I don't want my shortcomings to outnumber my admirable qualities. I hope I can find a way to keep myself cool without bothering my boyfriend on his evenings out. I think if I lost him, I too would be single for years following. And yeah, it really does feel like it is going to kill you when you're fighting that hard with yourself.
Again, thank you so much for posting back...I needed it.

psystudent20 wrote:

leiladream wrote:I totally identify with your post, and was the same way when I was your age and as a teenager. I used to drive to my high school boyfriend's house and knock on his window, panicking that he didn't love me anymore and was going to leave me. He seemed to understand me and did reassure me. I was so scared.

The only way I was able to stop doing that to my partners, was after being traumatized by actually being left for another woman with my last boyfriend. My worst abandonment fear came true. I then realized that someone doesn't have to be with me if they don't want to. I'm not saying you must go through that, but it toughened me up. I was single for 6 years but did hook up with unavailable people.

I became so guarded since then, that now loved ones are the ones trying to get me to trust them. People sense my defenses. I know this is not reassuring, but I've had to learn to trust myself more, I guess. If I can't trust someone else, I try to be trustworthy to them at least. That's what I learned about trust.

When I am terrified of losing someone, I sit by myself alone and I go through it. I cry a lot. I do not self harm. I try to resist doing something bad. I get the things that I use for comfort, like I love essential oils. I sit with the pain, feeling like I'm gonna die and cry a lot. I couldn't do that before but now I know the feelings eventually do pass. It won't kill me but sure as hell feels like it.

Wow, thank you so much leiladream

I can identify that the feelings will pass, but can't seem to keep myself sane while I'm waiting for that to happen. If he's out until 2am, I'm crying until 2am. I cry a lot too. I like what you said about being trustworthy- I agree. I strive to be the best girlfriend I can be because there are some areas in which I am weak...I don't want my shortcomings to outnumber my admirable qualities. I hope I can find a way to keep myself cool without bothering my boyfriend on his evenings out. I think if I lost him, I too would be single for years following. And yeah, it really does feel like it is going to kill you when you're fighting that hard with yourself.
Again, thank you so much for posting back...I needed it.

I'm glad it helped I was trying to not be too pessimistic. I wanted to share that you're not alone in this. I find the forum is helpful to me, even reading posts shows me I'm not the only one who goes through it. It's helpful.

Other people don't understand me and minimize my feelings, so I guard my feelings but that's just been my experience. It's good when I can be open about it, like in here, or therapy helps sometimes too.

leiladream wrote:
Other people don't understand me and minimize my feelings, so I guard my feelings but that's just been my experience. It's good when I can be open about it, like in here, or therapy helps sometimes too.

Yup, deal with this a lot. As I am undiagnosed, my therapist believes she can give me coping mechanisms but they often go in one ear and out the other...I ONLY exhibit this behavior in romantic relationships. Its either this way, or the other way I can be- which is to completely cut people off and pretend they never existed.

But now, being with someone for about 4 years altogether, it is a lot more real and raw how these emotions come out. I truly love this person, and I believe we are so close that I see a lot of my flaws in him, in how he can act normal and I cannot. He is a mirror to me, and I hate my reflection. My insane actions must drive him to wonder if I even love him, when the actions stem from fear of losing him- its a total catch-22. Please message me anytime by the way..

I find it really hard to trust in relationships, and I hate myself for it. My self esteem is very low and it doesn't help I compare myself to everyone I see. I want to trust my boyfriend but I know that I just don't, because I don't trust anyone. Whenever my boyfriend goes out or hangs out with girls (especially if he's slept with them in the past) my brain goes into overdrive with anxiety and self-loathing, I pretty much end up hating myself and crying in bed at home when he has no idea. I have to find something to do to keep myself from messaging him as I don't want to ruin the relationship. The only advice I can give would probably be that; find something that takes up a lot of your time and leave your phone alone. Not little things to keep you occupied, but one thing that takes a while, like dying your hair or cleaning the house. Even if you message him in between, it'll be a lot less often. I can't do a middle ground so either I message him too much or not at all, and sometimes not at all is healthier for the relationship. I feel like it's a big part of BPD that takes a lot of work, but it gets easier. I still get the thoughts, and the stress and pain of it but I'm better at not acting on those thoughts now, at least better than I was before. All my relationships have taken massive strain because of my own insecurities and it's SO hard not to let it get the better of you but practice makes perfect, and the right person will understand that you don't want to feel or act that way.

Devora94 wrote:I find it really hard to trust in relationships, and I hate myself for it. My self esteem is very low and it doesn't help I compare myself to everyone I see. I want to trust my boyfriend but I know that I just don't, because I don't trust anyone. Whenever my boyfriend goes out or hangs out with girls (especially if he's slept with them in the past) my brain goes into overdrive with anxiety and self-loathing, I pretty much end up hating myself and crying in bed at home when he has no idea. I have to find something to do to keep myself from messaging him as I don't want to ruin the relationship. The only advice I can give would probably be that; find something that takes up a lot of your time and leave your phone alone. Not little things to keep you occupied, but one thing that takes a while, like dying your hair or cleaning the house. Even if you message him in between, it'll be a lot less often. I can't do a middle ground so either I message him too much or not at all, and sometimes not at all is healthier for the relationship. I feel like it's a big part of BPD that takes a lot of work, but it gets easier. I still get the thoughts, and the stress and pain of it but I'm better at not acting on those thoughts now, at least better than I was before. All my relationships have taken massive strain because of my own insecurities and it's SO hard not to let it get the better of you but practice makes perfect, and the right person will understand that you don't want to feel or act that way.

Thank you so much for your response, Devora.

It has gotten to a point now, where my actions have done so much damage, I take his reaction to it (wanting to end things) as some sort of "proof" that all my suspicions and accusations were true.

I've since found a psychiatrist and am just beginning a really long road to unraveling this behavior to reach the route and disarm it's affect on me.

The thing that sucks is my boyfriend understood for so long, and now when I'm starting to get help (this is the worst ive ever been, and declining) he may walk away. I still cant look at myself, I keep finding ways to blame him. I feel so black and white about it.