Where does BPD end and you begin?

Hello all,

I’m recently diagnosed with BPD and would like some advice from others who are more accustomed with it than I am. Just to add, this isn’t a question necessarily about relationship advice either. Feel free to skip the little story if you like and go to the question at the end.

I started online dating and began chatting with a guy, eventually exchanging phone numbers. He quickly became very affectionate, which was a massive trigger for me.

I became obsessed with him, day dreaming about him constantly, even to the point where it intervened with my everyday life. I started turning down jobs that were further away from his current location, to say the least. I’ve done this on many occasions before, and could even fall “in love” with a strange I bump into on the street.

After a week or so of talking (I know, it’s really no time at all) he began pulling away from me, or so I perceived. The next day he didn’t message me at all – which pushed me to think the worst. The next day, I plucked up the courage to message him even though I was scared of being rejected. When he didn’t message back I crashed, with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Now I do understand that this forum isn’t the place to exercise these thoughts, or that a rejection that small equals a reaction as extreme as that – just want to highlight how it made me feel.

Funny thing is, he messaged me back quite recently and it really got me thinking. I want to talk to him again but I’m afraid it’s my brain tricking me into idolising him. Is it even worth it? Am I giving up more by walking away (not just from this scenario but really from any one which challenges me), or continuing to be involved?

So the question is; How do I know when my BPD is talking or when I am? How do I differentiate the two? If you even can. I feel I don’t know which thought to trust, and would greatly appreciate any advise from others.

Just as a side note, I recognise this is an unhealthy obsession and also quite selfish – I doubt he went on the same emotional roller coaster as I did, or even thought about me. Just wanted to be honest about my thoughts / feelings so I can get the best advise.

Thank you!

NoConnection wrote:
So the question is; How do I know when my BPD is talking or when I am? How do I differentiate the two? If you even can.

I don't think you can. I can't.

I think what you do instead is try to be really aware of what's going on inside you, between you. Then compare that to a standard: what you want from each other, what's healthy, what's not. Then you try to figure out a way to make what things are like closer to what you would like.

Define your boundaries. (And know the other person's.) Know what you can't live with. Know what you absolutely need in order to thrive. And know what things you're flexible on. Be mindful of when you're crossing into the danger zone and are heading for a crash. Sort of like having diabetes. You'll need to monitor you're emotional blood sugar. You need to have a plan in place for how to handle it when you hit the red zone, a possible exit strategy, and to know you'll have the strength to follow through. You need to know that you'll be able to keep communication open during those hard times.

Just as a side note, I recognise this is an unhealthy obsession and also quite selfish – I doubt he went on the same emotional roller coaster as I did, or even thought about me.

Others may disagree, but I'm not sure your obsession is a bad thing. It's for you to judge whether you have the requisite strength to manage it well. Whether it's a passion or an addiction.

Check out the psychological concept of transference.

Most articles about it will be referring largely or entirely to therapy/therapists, but with Cluster B (especially BPD) issues, transference can happen very frequently with a lot of different people, not just with a therapist.

In a nutshell, it's when the brain (usually subconsciously) takes its perception of Person A, and then applies it to Person B.

With BPD, very often Person A is a parent, while Person B is a potential romantic partner.

But Person B could also be a professor, friend, coworker, supervisor, dentist, therapist, neighbor, stranger on the street, that guy who works at that one deli you went to twice, etc.

So basically whenever you find yourself having a really intense emotional response to someone, and you are able to recognize that it doesn't make much sense, a pertinent question is, "In what situation would my emotional reaction make sense, though?"

Almost inevitably it's going to go back to your childhood and a primary caregiver.

So for the question of, "Where does BPD end and you begin?" let's try a more proactive angle.

Where did the BPD begin?

It's true that trauma (including prolonged emotional trauma) can and often will cause DNA to mutate, which means that a parent with that mutated DNA can pass down a genetic vulnerability to a disorder like BPD to their offspring. But to say that this is all that is required for someone to develop BPD is like saying that all you have to do to make a cake is toss some cake mix, eggs and water into a bowl and then stare at it. Nope you still gotta actually bake that $#%^.

So what baked your cake?

NoConnection wrote:So the question is; How do I know when my BPD is talking or when I am? How do I differentiate the two? If you even can.

Well, in my opinion BPD is a personality disorder. And personality is nothing more than you. Hence BPD makes you disurbed. It's not possible to differentiate between these two.

Although, after a long time spent on analyzing my behavior I am able to say that certain reactions are caused by BPD, yet I'm aware that I'm not able to change how I feel. I can only change (in limited range) how I behave.

NoConnection wrote:Funny thing is, he messaged me back quite recently and it really got me thinking. I want to talk to him again but I’m afraid it’s my brain tricking me into idolising him. Is it even worth it? Am I giving up more by walking away (not just from this scenario but really from any one which challenges me), or continuing to be involved?

(...) I feel I don’t know which thought to trust, and would greatly appreciate any advise from others.

I had a period of feeling exactly the same. I also took anti-psychotic drug to avoid these obsessive thoughts which I considered false. However, now I think it's not worth it. It was taking majority of my time and energy to analyse if my thoughts were true and adequate to the situation. It was a period of being constantly suspicious to my own thoughts. And now I'm really convinced that it's better to trust your assessment. Even if it's wrong it's still your opinion.

Thank you for the replies, I greatly appreciate the help.

perejil wrote:Be mindful of when you're crossing into the danger zone and are heading for a crash. Sort of like having diabetes. You'll need to monitor you're emotional blood sugar.

This is such a clever way of putting it! And actually quite accurate. I definitely think it's about understanding your boundaries, knowing what brings you forward and what takes you back . But I guess that can only happen through trial and error, but not recklessly I should add.

mostlyghostly wrote:
So for the question of, "Where does BPD end and you begin?" let's try a more proactive angle.

Where did the BPD begin?

I think this is what I find so hard about BPD, it's all connected. Even little choices made in your everyday life are connected so deeply to your past. It actually makes me think differently about my choices. Instead of letting the child in me take control, think about what's my motivation - what hole is this filling. As of yet, I'm not that well educated on BPD, but hoping to be over time as I feel it can greatly help me understand my self better.

iate wrote:
Well, in my opinion BPD is a personality disorder. And personality is nothing more than you. Hence BPD makes you disurbed. It's not possible to differentiate between these two.

It's possibly why I was to affected so much by my own question. I've always had a problem with identity. I guess its the ever changing emotions, views, opinions etc. which make it difficult for me to establish who I am, or possibly due to my past. I'm glad I'm not alone, but I'm sorry for hearing the trouble you had with it, it is such a hard place to be. I'm really trying to practise mindfullness etc. to help ward off any obsessive feelings, as you're right, it really is a grey area and only worsens my wellbeing.

If you think that BPD is a label, like many seem to, then I can understand the opening posts sentiments. Except it isn't a label, it's a diagnosis.

The criteria are about thoughts, emotions and behaviours and these thoughts, emotions and behaviour are real. If we match enough criteria we may be diagnosed with BPD. It's a man made diagnosis. It is simply a tool, it only exists in books and the minds of people, as a concept. All it tells us is that in a certain way we share some traits that are similar to others. We are never 'BPD' and no two people diagnosed with BPD are the same.

But a diagnosis can help us understand that our brain functions in a way that can cause us pain and distress. A diagnosis can help us stop blaming either ourselves or others. We can accept our vulnerability and challenge our thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

We can choose to see it as a label and beat ourselves up with it or we can choose to see it as a diagnosis that can facilitate change.