Redefining "recovery"

I'm someone who believes in the idea of recovery and transformation from BPD. I've recently discovered though that my idea of recovery hasn't been totally realistic. I expected recovery to mean that I would be free of the intense emotions, hypersensitivity and feelings of loneliness. What I'm discovering is that that stuff will probably never go away. It's my RESPONSE to that stuff that is the true meaning of recovery.

My response means what ACTIONS do I take based on my emotions? Controlling my actions is the key. Also I can't expect my responses and actions to be 100% perfect. They won't always be.

It can feel a little bit like acting or playing a part but in my opinion, that's what's required.

Being strong enough to not split on someone even though I'm deeply hurt. Being strong enough to face the incredible loneliness that I feel without engaging in an activity that inflicts self harm. Not placing all the emphasis of my own emotional well being onto the OTHER or EXTERNAL but recognizing that no one is responsible for my emotions except for ME.

For those of you practicing self awareness and actively engaged in your own recovery, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I thinking clearly about this? It's not that the symptoms go away. It's about managing them.

G3VSJ wrote:My response means what ACTIONS do I take based on my emotions? Controlling my actions is the key. Also I can't expect my responses and actions to be 100% perfect. They won't always be.

It can feel a little bit like acting or playing a part but in my opinion, that's what's required.

Being strong enough to not split on someone even though I'm deeply hurt. Being strong enough to face the incredible loneliness that I feel without engaging in an activity that inflicts self harm. Not placing all the emphasis of my own emotional well being onto the OTHER or EXTERNAL but recognizing that no one is responsible for my emotions except for ME.

For those of you practicing self awareness and actively engaged in your own recovery, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I thinking clearly about this? It's not that the symptoms go away. It's about managing them.

True. people will always be there to trigger. and even nons have extreme reactions. its not like having a pd makes us ill or something.

Not placing all the emphasis of my own emotional well being onto the OTHER or EXTERNAL but recognizing that no one is responsible for my emotions except for ME.

To some extent i disagree. at times others trigger us. just as others make us happy at times. the other day it was very hot here and i had to use the airconditioner. that gave me relief from summer heat. so others do have power to influence our emotions. i went to bank today and the woman was chatting with the previous customer about marriage. it went on and on and that enraged me. so its okay to be angry.

i've realized theres no perfect cure. there will be days i'll get angry or have arguments and that's natural.

i think i am high functioning.i mean i can hide it and turn it inside than annoying others.
if recovery meams being like me then we are screwed.
it is awful also.it is better for others though but i am deeply depressed.

Hi G3VSJ
From what you describe, I feel I've been there on my journey, hoped that I'd be able to regulate my emotions and have healthy relationships and healthy attachments. And I believe that is possible for many people. Doesn't seem to be for me as the early life damage is just too extensive. My potential may be that I'll be able to spend time with people like how an acquaintance works, I'm not really interested but also I don't have to suffer the intense attachment & emotion.

Self-awareness isn't enough for me, I don't like the intense anguish I feel plagued by, it's too painful for me, too intense & lasts for too long. Once the anguished feelings have started I have no way of relieving them, unfortunately I find that cbt or dbt tend to escalate them and distraction & mindfulness are too weak to manage them.

After years of trying, I don't know about 'recovery' for myself these days, I think it may be a more a case of 'work around it'. Like, accept I have a disability & can't have any relationships, that I don't understand other people (I'm baffled why everyone else isn't outraged about hypocrisies & double standards etc). Yes, that's lonely & boring but feeling hated or ignored (seems to be the outcome of any attempt I make at a relationship) is much more painful & lonely.

julllia wrote:i think i am high functioning.i mean i can hide it and turn it inside than annoying others.
if recovery meams being like me then we are screwed.
it is awful also.it is better for others though but i am deeply depressed.

I do the same thing as far as internalizing the emotions but good god what good would come from unleashing those dark emotions on other people? I do think they creep out though in none direct passive aggressive ways.

I've just found that not taking quick knee-jerk emotion based ACTIONS, like sending a spiteful text or whatever is helpful. That action usually only makes things much worse!

For me accepting that my perceptions are almost always 100.% WRONG has been a huge step towards recovery. Other people's actions generally have nothing to do with us. So for those of us who internalize it's a double whammy! We're completely misinterpreting a situation in the first place, Then we take that misinterpretation and internalize it and make its elves feel even worse! Anything to make sure we continue to self loathe.

I read a book about BPD which said exactly this. The things that change are the behaviours, the reactions. Self-harming, getting angry with people etc. The things less likely to change are the emotions. So we may still feel empty, be scared of abandonment etc. Just react better to those feelings.

I was a bit scared when I read it, knowing I will still have these feelings. But I guess they'll be less intense, perhaps.

but the problem is for example i want to be with someone forever. but i can not make myself want someone and want to stay.and not loose interest. it feels like a curse to want love and can not have it.

or to want to find passion in something and do not know how

G3VSJ wrote:Being strong enough to not split on someone even though I'm deeply hurt. Being strong enough to face the incredible loneliness that I feel without engaging in an activity that inflicts self harm. Not placing all the emphasis of my own emotional well being onto the OTHER or EXTERNAL but recognizing that no one is responsible for my emotions except for ME.

For those of you practicing self awareness and actively engaged in your own recovery, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I thinking clearly about this? It's not that the symptoms go away. It's about managing them.

I couldn't agree more. I guess I'm quite recovered now.

The most significant change I can see is, as you've mentioned, controlling my reactions. I'm not perfect at it, but I definitely see the progress. I'm even able to sit down and consciously wait until the emotion goes away.

But somehow I would say that the emotions have become more easy to manage. Really. Idk if they are less intense or if I've simply become better at controlling them (practice makes perfect, they say) - anyway it's a lot easier to "fight" these impulses and feelings. Even abandonment/rejection seems to be less of a deal than it used to be.

However I think that, in some twisted way, I've mastered a couple of other dysfunctional skills, which help me to feel less pain. It's like this better control of my life didn't come for free.

G3VSJ wrote:I've just found that not taking quick knee-jerk emotion based ACTIONS, like sending a spiteful text or whatever is helpful. That action usually only makes things much worse!

For me accepting that my perceptions are almost always 100.% WRONG has been a huge step towards recovery. Other people's actions generally have nothing to do with us. So for those of us who internalize it's a double whammy! We're completely misinterpreting a situation in the first place, Then we take that misinterpretation and internalize it and make its elves feel even worse! Anything to make sure we continue to self loathe.

imho you've found something that improves your quality of life & that's awesome , I don't think it matters if others use similar strategies, if you've found something that works that's awesome. Does this stratety (not acting out) leave you with enough relationships or enough of a sense of connection to other people to feel satisfied with your quality of life?

Blaming yourself 100% for inaccurate perceptions, does that leave you vulnerable at all, like what if someone really does do something wrong/exploitative towards you? I find this kind of thing very hard to read, I can't tell the difference between what's normal/healthy & what's reprehensible & utterly evil or abusive.

I agree, others' actions have little to do with me when it's new people but when it comes to close relationships such as family of origin it's very hard to not take it personally. My family's actions towards me seem pretty full of hidden agendas & family politics which inevitably do involve me, there is so much history. Do you find this strategy works with family?

i can change the behavior and repress or control that but i can not change the feeling of not wanting someone.
i would still want to leave.
unless something makes me change feelings again to wanting him. his behavior maybe?
to control anger or fear until it pass it means i know i still want him and that feeling didn’t change.i am just afraid.
but other times i stop wanting him completely.
does it make sense what i describe?
(like i can control sending him 46677 messages but not the feeling inside me.it would get out differently.for example i can pretend i do not want you but how do i change how i feel and stop wanting you inside is the problem etc
or wanting to die etc or not liking what i am doing and it makes me depressed.
i can shut up and live everyday but want to die to escape.that makes life a torture even when i do not annoy you by telling you)