How to stop being codependent.

Hello there,

I've been with my partner for 9 months and we've both realized that I have gotten the habit of relying on him way too much. I also get a lot of separation anxiety when we are not around each other. He feels very smothered as one would expect. When I do it too much he does hurtful things to lash back. He's not perfect of course, but I think the root cause is my smothering.

I'm new here, hoping to have an open discussion about this and any situation you might have to relate.

Been there, done that.

And, in my opinion, this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Nobody's perfect and nobody is utterly good. So there will come a day when he will start to use your dependency against you. And from my experience - it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Spend time apart. Do some separate things sometimes. It causes anxiety at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Find a friend or therapist to talk to about your anxiety. Find things to do without him. Distract yourself.

iate wrote:Been there, done that.

And, in my opinion, this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Nobody's perfect and nobody is utterly good. So there will come a day when he will start to use your dependency against you. And from my experience - it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I can vouch for this. Eventually, his "lashing back" due to your smothering is probable to become much more than that...When people realize (or think) you need them (you DON'T need anyone, btw), they can flip the script- and being co-dependent makes this nearly impossible to see.

Take up a hobby, perhaps one he isn't interested in. Like birdwatching, or gardening. This will drive you to do things independently not because he is busy or away, but because it is your choice. You should not only be apart when he has obligations, or vice-versa. You must establish a positive habit of being able to separate yourselves- not only will it help your relationship, it will help you and your partner as individuals. I know it is easier said than done, but you can do it!

I can definitely relate. I have a bad habit of making my romantic partners my world and main source of social support and entertainment. I've heard it's common among PwBPD to develop a "favorite person".

I'd recommend going a step beyond finding new activities to do solo and finding people to interact with solo. You really should put effort into finding friends you can also rely on for social support and having other people in your life who can make you happy and will listen to you when you need to vent. It's harder than it sounds but I feel like it's definitely worth it.

At the same time though, F the dude you're dating for lashing out at you, even if it's because he's feeling smothered. He can learn to use his words like an adult, especially if he's neurotypical. You shouldn't feel like you have to put up with that kind of behavior just because you can be a bit more difficult to deal with than the average person. Unfortunately, having BPD means that even more than most people we need kind and understanding partners. If he isn't willing to work with you on how your disorder affects the relationship and his own anger, I would find someone who is.