BPD, struggling with relationship

Hi all,

First time posting - I really need advice.

I've been diagnosed with BPD for a longgg time. They don't offer DBT in my area and, despite being in and out of the medical system for years, nothing has helped.

I have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years with an amazing man. He has stood by me when I was put into a psych unit, he helps raise my daughter, and he works incredibly hard. He is kind and sweet and loving. And I treat him horrifyingly.

Last night we got into the same fight we have been getting into since we got together. I say that he's selfish because he doesn't 'do' romance. I feel underappreciated and unloved and that he only cares about getting what he wants. All this despite the fact he will bring me things i need in bed, puts on the dishwasher, and makes sure I always have the things I need.

Saying all that, at the moment I'm on my third extension for completing my PhD, yet I'm working part-time as a waitress because we're in debt. Despite this, he's currently spending money by taking motorcycle lessons, and is talking about a loan to get himself a motorbike. We should be saving for a mortgage (or even for an archery bow for my daughter who has taken up the sport), but instead I'm just funding what HE wants.

It's really hard working out which things I'm overreacting to and what I'm not. Is my BPD just making things worse? Or am I my BPD? He's just not a very emotional person, and he has trouble expressing his feelings without sounding like a thesaurus. So when we have these fights, I react emotionally, and he give me a university-grade seminar about how he actually does love me.

I don't know if I am better just ending the relationship. It seems wrong to throw away something we've worked so hard on, but I feel like I'm just going to keep picking away at the relationship until there's nothing left. And I don't want that. I know we all struggle with abandonment on here, and sometimes it's easier to just self-sabotage rather than deal with the issue, but I also don't want my BPD symptoms to dictate my relationship.

I don't know what to do. I know he makes me a better person. I know that, while I've been with him, I've turned a real corner and I have not self-harmed or tried to commit suicide in well over a year (despite talking about it). I'm seeking help but, as I said, resources are limited in my area. But I also feel like he doesn't want the real me. He was never happier than when I was medicated and miserable (it straightened out my moods, but left me feeling empty all the time). That's not who I am. I am emotionally unstable. And I don't know that I can ever actually be with someone - even someone as understanding as him - because I continually berate and demand things off a partner that 'normal' people wouldn't. I'm sick of the guilt. I'm sick of feeling underappreciated. And I don't know what to do.

If you've taken the time to read this far, please - PLEASE - also take the time to give me your advice or opinions. I'm so lost. Thank you.

I think you have every right to be frustrated that he’s spending money that would be better used elsewhere, but life is for living and if getting a motorbike makes him happy, it would be nice if he could do that with your blessing. I don’t think this specific issue is BPD related, that’s just part of being in a relationship, it’s just something you need to work through as a couple and certainly not worth throwing away your relationship over, maybe it just needs to be offset by him spending time/money on some things you like?

Has he said that he was never happier than when you were medicated and miserable, or is that just how you feel? The fact that you were medicated and feeling flat may have made him look like he was happier, but that may not have been the case.

For mine, it sounds like you’re in a relationship that is worth working for, but it does need to be worked on from both sides, so he needs to put in as much as you. Have you spelt out for him what you would like him to do? Is it dinner out, flowers, run a bath for you, buy you gifts?

You may think that you’re dropping the biggest hints and he’s just ignoring them, but there’s every chance that he’s just not picking up on them, so don’t assume anything if you haven’t asked outright, that’s the quickest way to ruin a good thing.