I HATE MY BF!

Ugh! Sorry for the outburst but you must know how i feel?

We have been dating for almost nine months now, and lived together for five (pretty fast, they said). I, diagnosed with BPD, have extreme mood swings, and my boyfriend, who has basically been raised to be an alcoholic and also has serious anger issues, gets really easily provoked by my outbursts. We have recently fought about him having to provide my impulsive spending, and me not being able to financially support myself (I have dropped out of two schools since last summer so I don't think applying for a job just to get immediately fired would do the best for my self esteem right now...).

What I hate about him is that he knows about my condition, but doesn't bother to educate himself about it. It really seems as if he doesn't care at all. I am afraid to bring this topic up with him bc he seems to pull further away when I do. He doesn't take care of his own problems either, which really annoys me. His excuse is "I can't talk" regarding anything serious or difficult like strong emotions. I can strongly relate to that difficulty, but I go to DBT and try my hardest to make this work, with uncalled for outbursts or not, but he just runs away and soaks in alcohol and leaves me hanging alone with my hellfire.

He just left couple hours ago after I cry-yelled about something (can't remember, but probably the topic above). I haven't yet compared him to other guys yet, like tried to find someone better when I realise he's not perfect, which I usually start doing in a week into a relationship, but now I'm staring out the window and find myself wanting to be with any guy I see rather than my current BF! I want to hang in here bc I know I really love him, I just don't remember anything but the bad things right now. So question: Do you, fellow BPD's, have any methods to pull yourself back to reality from the extreme wrath you sometimes feel for your SO. I want to remember how much I love him, but now I don't think I ever did (I know I did, I just can't remember!). Memory tricks, anyone??

PS: I don't have any friends (because I've run from all friendships immediately when they began to know me a little better and that scared me) so I'd really love to have someone to talk to here

Well, I tend to divide my emotions about a person in two different category's. The way I feel about the today, or in this exact moment, and in how I felt about them for a longer period of time. It's hard cause you can't see anything past the point of how you feel right now, but you can try to logically think that you didn't always feel that way about it.

It's bad that he doesn't support you in your struggles with your BPD. I would be really mad too if my partner didn't support me in something extremely important such as being in therapy.

If he wants to flee from this to alcohol maybe he has some issues too that make it hard for him to take it all in. But my advice would be to just wait and see how you feel and if this feeling of not wanting to be there is still there, maybe you should reconsider what you really feel about your relationship.

He should be supporting you very much since trying to get better when you have BPD is a very hard task and you really need all the support you can get.

You could buy your boyfriend a book about Dealing w/ Borderlines for nons, there are a few out there in bookstores or online, one of them called Stop Walking on Eggshells, I think.

You could practice mindfulness and stop yelling/freaking out because it just robs you of the calm and harmony you need and leads to chaos and stress.

Just because we have borderline does not entitle us to use it as an excuse, we have to work harder than others unfortunately to control our outbursts. Our partners are not going to be perfect, and are going to say things to irritate. If we easily rage, we can remember to breathe and stay in control and tell them they are making us uncomfortable with their (insert type of behavior here). We'll feel better for staying in control and set a good example for our partner.

Do you take and medication to help with mood stability? I do and it really helps with lashing out and the outbursts. Unless my partner really nags me repeatedly or outright hollars at me, is the time I will have an outburst now. I'm starting dbt in a couple of months. This will be good because my partner has anxiety and I could deal with that better, and would like to have the skills. Take care.

-- Thu May 11, 2017 7:44 pm --

If you feel like you are going to rage anyway during an argument, one thing to do is put up your hand and say 'I need some time please' or something similar, and then leave the room and get out your rage in a safe way.

Thank you for your thorough answers! Here's an update:
Writing this out helped me realistically observe what my mood was and why I reacted the way I did, and just that made it easier for me to calm down and think about how I should approach this.

My boyfriend is actually very supportive, but I was just in that state of mind where I saw him as all bad (don't even feel bad about what I said even if I maybe should, because saying it here, not straight at him, helped me realise it wasn't my real opinion).

Just like Pennywise put it, I have used my BPD as an excuse. He is human. He has his own issues. I can't assume he would superhumanly heal me when I feel bad. When he doesn't understand what I'm going through I too often just yell or mumble at him something like "It's called BPD, look it up." but he's pretty ADHD so reading long and difficult texts isn't really the best option.

So last night when he came home and had apologized, I tried something new: I explained a simple emotion to him, starting with "this isn't your fault, don't take this personally, but I feel...", and then explained that I feel emotions extremely strongly, 0 to 100 in a second and it doesn't stop unless I work through it and I could use his help on that. Saying that out loud already made me easier and I suggested that if I outspoke the feelings to him he would listen and try to understand even if it didn't make sense. He then replied "OK, now I undestand", and that really made my day!

I'd rather not talk about medication bc I have too mixed feelings about it.