Breakup and killer rage

My boyfriend is lashing out on me because Im manpulating him as ###$. He finally got the courage to tell me to go ###$ myself. I just destroyed most of my house [mod edit] after Valiums and shots Im ready to clean the mess up. I dont even care anymore. The rampage calmed me down. Is this ######6 $#%^ normal? Will it ever end? He doesn't really wanna end $#%^ and somehow it seems better if he did. This is toxis asf, and Im responsible. Input please. Im losing it here. How can I make any relationship work?

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time but I can assure you that things can get better with understanding and work. You already have a diagnosis I am taking it, so that is a HUGE step.

I wanna share with you that my relationship used to be so rough and I would drink very heavily and freak out. Sometimes I would keep my now husband up all night just yelling constantly at him. The more I drank, the worse I felt so I drank more and the cycle just kept repeating. After years of this cycle I decided that I wanted to be a mom and get my $#%^ together. So I stopped drinking and really focused what I could on getting that dependence out of the way instead of focusing on my relationship. Becoming a mother was my new passion and I knew that I would do anything to be the good person that I could be. So instead of trying to fix my relationship flaws, I focused more on fixing my problems and flaws and stopping my unhealthy cycles. Don't get me wrong, I was still losing my mind but it was so much less intense than when I was drinking which was a HUGE improvement. Even if I still did have a hour here and there where I was inconsolable, at least it wasn't a "Up all Night" kinda deal.

As I started to better myself as a person, I started to overall feel better about myself. However I will say that pregnancy and the hormones were rough. Looking back on it, I definitely had some moments where I just freaked right out and started verbally raging. However after I had my daughter, I was very depressed and I knew that something wasn't right. I felt like I wasn't me and like I was constantly on edge. Jumping from one emotion to the next and feeling really unsettled and worried. That was when I went to get diagnosed. This was a huge moment for me because I finally had a eye opening moment where things in my life really made sense.

I started really reading everything that I could about BPD. Why we act the way we do? What causes it? and just anything I could possibly find that would give me some insight into who I am. After countless hours of reading and youtube videos, I started writing in a journal. This didn't last long at all but it helped me to kinda figure out some of the reasons why I act and behave the way I do. I then went and ordered the book "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay and Jeffrey C. Wood. It helps to kinda find ways to cope and handle situations. It also helps you to know that there are ways of taking in emotions and using them to your advantage instead of fighting them and letting them get under your skin. For example if you look at something and it ticks you off, don't focus on it. Instead, turn away and look at something else.

As I learned about myself, I shared my feelings more than ever with my husband. I really opened up to him about how I feel because I finally understood how I truly felt and that all of my emotions were real, even if they were stronger that a "what they consider normal" person. In opening up, I found things out about myself that I never knew before. Like how I feel angry at him deep down because I feel like he doesn't stand up to me and that he just acts how he thinks I want him to act. I hate feeling like a dictator but that was a role I set forth and in turn, I made it almost as if my husband felt "to me" like a obliging robot with no wants or needs. So therefore, I feel guilty about the past and that I made him have to feel like I need to be tiptoed around. The tiptoeing makes me angry because I just want to be understood and sometimes being around him makes me have to feel guilty, sad and angry ect because of my shame from the past. It's easier sometimes to push someone away if they bring out negative feelings in you. But sometimes when you think deeper about those feelings, they have a completely different meaning. I've been expressing to my husband exactly what I need from him in order to help me. I am very straight forward in order to try to avoid confusion. One of those things I need from him is to stick to his boundaries and be honest with me. I want to know that if he says he's happy, that he's really happy and not just saying it to appease me. Know what I mean? He no longer takes the abuse and tells me in nice, effective ways that he will talk to me when we have both calmed down. Sometimes he has to tell me straight up "You are getting so upset and it isn't necessary." I mean yes, it does irritate me but it's true and then I realize he's right and I almost immediately calm down.

Is your partner supportive? Is he willing to work with you or is he very careless with the things he says in return. I'm sure it'd be hard to communicate with someone if they don't know much about BPD to have compassion. A lot of people get infuriated by our actions but it's hard to be in a relationship if that person takes what you say personally and doesn't have the compassion in the moment to see that your outbursts are a result of pain and not about them necessarily. What you are doing is yelling from pain and wanting to be heard and understood. I hope he is supportive and that you are able, when you are calm and only then, that you have a serious talk with him about how you feel. Be kind when you do it, cry if you have to and be vulnerable to him. I know it's hard to sometimes let go and just lay your heart and soul out there but it is so necessary. I wish you so much luck and I am around if you ever want someone to talk to. I know the struggle. I still have rough days too but at least my partner now understands where it comes from and he's trying his hardest to help me to work through my issues.

I would also like to ask, is he worth you to change? Like do you feel like he is a worthy guy enough for you to put in hard work for? If not then it might be a toxic relationship. Especially if he encourages bad coping skills such a substances abuse and self harm. Like if he is doing drugs too, it will be hard to improve yourself with him.

And I would also like to say that even if he isn't worth it, you are. You are worth it. Let your happiness be your drive to leave behind those old coping skills. I promise that the more you improve yourself physically, the better you will start to feel mentally.

When I quit drinking and cigarettes, it was hard but overall, I feel way better than when I was using them to cope. I would much rather fantasizing about punching something or someone than going back to the unhealthy choices that never really even helped me in the first place.

I am glad to know that you are in the calm after the storm. That's always a relief to have that sense of peace. Now if only I could find a way to get a sense of peace without negatively dealing with the things I myself go through. I'm a yeller but my husband is putting a stop to that, slowly, one day at a time.

Lutera, thank you very much for your answer. I will order the book. It seems helpful. My boyfriend is bipolar, so he has his issues as well, which do not necessarily help. I thought of getting pregnant though, but I'm a bit scared because of the medication I'm taking (clomipramine and aripiprazole) because I'm scared if I lay off the medication due to pregnancy it will make me really lose it. How was it for you? The pregnancy without medication? Did you manage? I am worried but I really think having a baby would help and give me more guidance, but I'm afraid going off the meds will make me feel worse....

Psychodelic wrote: I thought of getting pregnant though, but I'm a bit scared because of the medication I'm taking (clomipramine and aripiprazole) because I'm scared if I lay off the medication due to pregnancy it will make me really lose it. ...I really think having a baby would help and give me more guidance...

Do not do this Children do not make you happier, or help relationships. You are more likely to be more poor, more stressed, and separated from your significant other. It is an 18 year solution to a temporary problem. Not to mention that you are knowingly passing on your genetic code, one full of mood disorders, to another human. Do you want to deal with a bpd or bipolar teenager? My mother did the same thing to keep my father around, and as soon as I was old enough to walk, I destroyed everything in my path. Your sex life, your furniture, and any remaining sanity will be gone. Not to mention the possible tearing of your vagina if you deliver naturally.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifes ... 077129?s=5

-- Wed May 10, 2017 3:11 pm --

Psychodelic wrote: I thought of getting pregnant though, but I'm a bit scared because of the medication I'm taking (clomipramine and aripiprazole) because I'm scared if I lay off the medication due to pregnancy it will make me really lose it. ...I really think having a baby would help and give me more guidance...

Do not do this Children do not make you happier, or help relationships. You are more likely to be more poor, more stressed, and separated from your significant other. It is an 18 year solution to a temporary problem. Not to mention that you are knowingly passing on your genetic code, one full of mood disorders, to another human. Do you want to deal with a bpd or bipolar teenager? My mother did the same thing to keep my father around, and as soon as I was old enough to walk, I destroyed everything in my path. Your sex life, your furniture, and any remaining sanity will be gone. Not to mention the possible tearing of your vagina if you deliver naturally.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifes ... 077129?s=5

Well bipolar tends to skip a generation. But my teen years were scary... both for my parents and for me. I don't mean as a way of saving a relationship but I think about it for the future, you know. But I'm not sure wether it would be a good idea or not. I mean, should all bpds abstain from having children not to pass along their genetic heritage? That wouldn't be pretty fair also...

Everyone is so different when it comes to when they are ready for kids so I am sorry if it came across like I thought that was a good idea. I was just sharing my experience.TameQueen is right when she says it's more stressful and super expensive. I had a complete breakdown after I had my daughter and that's why I had to go and get a evaluation. I felt like I was going crazy and had no idea why and it was scary. I had always thought everyone's emotions were super strong but that they just didn't show it like I did.

Looking back I really wish I would have worked on myself before I had my baby but I had no idea that I had a illness until after her and so now I am having to parent and try to work on my behavioral issues. I don't want to give her the same problems I have because it's so rough. The stress factor of trying not to mess up my daughter is incredible! I am in counseling and everything and taking this book so seriously. I work towards bettering myself everyday so eventually I can be as mentally healthy as I possibly can be.

Honestly, if you two are having communication issues and you each are diagnosed and able to reflect and work toward bettering your relationship then I would focus on that first. Bringing a child into it has the potential to make things sooooo much worse. I don't know how old you are but I was with my husband for 5 years, and I had so much help from my sister who passed down all of her daughters things but without my sisters help, it would have been so hard. I got super lucky that way.

I had never been on depression meds or really any "must take" medicines before my daughter came along because I didn't know that something serious was going on with me and my emotional being. It seems so obvious now but back then it wasn't.

As far as labor, the tearing is the least of the pain. XD

Psychodelic wrote:t. I mean, should all bpds abstain from having children not to pass along their genetic heritage? That wouldn't be pretty fair also...

Unpopular opinion, but I'm all for the encouraging of having the mentally-ill and physically-ill to be given an incentive to be sterilized. I don't mean straight up forcing them, but adults above the age of 18 should have the option to have a government funded sterilization plus education on it. I'm all for population control. They already do it in some places with heroin addicts. I've already made the choice that I won't ever have children. If people want to reproduce, that's fine. But abortion, snipping, and birth control should be handed out like candy. It sounds harsh, and I'm not criticizing those who are mentally-ill and are good parents, but it would save a lot of heartache in the long run.

It is unfortunate that you feel that way. I am more of a optimistic person I guess. I know that I can get better for my daughter and that deep down I am a great mom that will give her a great life. My mom was far from perfect growing up and she helped contribute to my problem but do I think she ruined my life? Not really. I feel so lucky to have the chance to be alive and to enjoy the most that I can and to have that opportunity to be a mom. I guess I am just very strong willed in the sense that I made promises to my daughter before she was born that I would give her the safest body to live in that I could. I went to all of my glucose appointments and did everything that I was recommended to do.

Either way, I feel like no person is going to have that "perfect" upbringing. There will always be flaws. What matters is that you truly do the best you can. Tell them how much you love them and avoid things that hurt you or caused pain for you as a kid. Teach them that emotions are perfectly normal and that it's okay to feel angry or mad and that there are good ways to cope with those feelings. Many people with BPD are able to get better and live highly functional lives and raise children that don't end up turning out like themselves.

The difference...my mom never quit drinking for me. I lived with a drunk alcoholic mother growing up and it did have effects on me, not going to even lie. Substance issues really suck for kids involved when all they want is a role model they can look up to, trust, confide in and feel truly loved from. Alcohol and my mom's emotions ALWAYS came fire. I came second even though I know she loved me very much. I will not put my daughter through that hell and I will never let her feel like she isn't my biggest love or that it's her fault if I have a emotional moment. I am going to explain to her exactly what my problem is, what is is called, that I have worked so hard to get better so that I could give her a good life and that she is the most important person to me in this world and how great and wonderful and creative I think she is.

I understand your opinion on the matter though. Everyone should have a right to decide their future and if sterilization is something a person wants for themselves, I see nothing wrong with that at all. I realize that some people have illnesses and illness levels more severe than myself. I just feel like I used to be severe and I get better every day. I used to literally scream at the top of my lungs at my husband ALL night and that is something I couldn't imagine doing now. I am 26 by the way so still pretty young. So much can change even in a year's time. Keep your head up OP and you keep telling yourself that you are worth it every day! You are worth happiness and having this future you envision. Just don't rush it. Focus on yourself and take the time you need. There is so much time to have kids and your children will thank you for getting better first because they really do learn what they see and seeing mommy upset really could scare them significantly. Or if they witnessed you in one of your breakdowns and they happened to witness you self harming. I struggle every day to keep my voice calm so my baby doesn't wonder why my reactions are "scary". It's hard but repetition and practice pays off.

I just want you to know that you can and will get better with time. It's apparent to me that people with BPD seem to relax more and learn better coping skills with age. My other advice is to try not to read too far into things. That's something I do and it only gets me more and more irritated. Sometimes it's better to let something irritate you but choose to not entertain it than it is to get so upset that you lose control of a rational thought process.

I didn't know where to start when I first started seeking treatment so I feel like I just want to share everything that has helped me, with you.

and this right here really helps me....

"Focusing on negatives instead of being in the moment is a setup for prolonged suffering."

Examples:

1. Thinking about the past - I can't change the past and thinking about it and letting it upset me is not worth it.

2. Worrying about possible future pain - No one can predict what will happen in the future. I just have to take things as they come at me and not live in fear of bad things that could but probably won't happen.

3. Isolating to avoid pain - By doing this it causes more loneliness and therefore it can lead to prolonged bouts of depression.

4. Substance abuse for numbing - This causes so many problems if control and self discipline is lost. (When I had my daughter I promised myself I would never let myself get drunk around her....EVER.) I have learned how to control how much I consume now.

5. Lashing out at others to release the pain - This causes intense guild and more pain. It also causes the loss of compassion and understanding from others.

6. Avoiding activities that could cause a problem - By doing this I miss out on exciting things that I may enjoy.

7. Avoiding the problem itself - This allows my problem to live on without ever finding a way to handle and cope with it. This is the biggest problem in my cycle of emotional pain with lashing out and name calling right side by side.

It's improving though so that's progress. There will always be days that I back track but what matters is that I am moving forward willingly and with the most fiery determination that I have ever felt in my life. Just let that vision of being a mommy in the future fuel your determination to be your very best.