can someone explain dbt in a not scary way

i fear what i dont know. i dont know a lot about dbt. the only experiences ive had with therapy have been traumatic. everyone talks about dbt in borderline circles. i dont know what it means. what it does, what to expect. change feels bad.
what if i dont want to change? what if i want to continue living like a complete disaster? im used to this. i dont want someone to tell me what i need to do to meet their standards.

DBT in a nutshell (if taught properly) is essentially just like a specialized CBT that basically more patient and in-depth with some primal basics, given an understanding of some unique Borderline challenges. It's supposed to be empowering when it starts to take effect.

It's about helping you achieve more self-awareness, including expanding the options you perceive to have, and figuring out ways to experience intense emotion in a safe way (as opposed to trying to shut your emotions off, or coping with them in dangerous ways). It is potentially most helpful for people who experience dissociation issues (which are a huge part of BPD in most cases). Reconnecting with yourself and your body, basically, so that you are aware of how your own brain and body are responding to things, rather than being hit by an avalanche of chaotic emotion seemingly out of nowhere. It is also about really identifying and embracing your thoughts and emotions. It often includes a focus on how your words/thoughts are actually very significant to your mind, such as "always" and "never" statements, or intense declarations about yourself.

What can make it intimidating is that it's basically the total opposite of what most people with BPD grew up with. Rather than being invalidated, you should expect to be validated a whole $#%^ ton. Which is actually so foreign and disorienting to most people with BPD, that it can actually set off feelings as though being invalidated, initially.

For a random, super vague example:

Say when you grew up you were a very kind little kid.
But your abuser(s) convinced you that you were very bad.
So eventually you started invalidating yourself by repeating the message that you are bad.
Then fast forward as an adult, and in therapy you insist that you are bad.
The therapist challenges this notion, which makes you feel very invalidated.
But the therapist is actually validating the true, 'inner' you that has been denied any acknowledgement for most of your thus-far life.

And that is why it can get kind of freaky. Typically in the case of BPD as an adult, you are your number one abuser. It's not your fault that you were conditioned to be that way, but it still is what it is. So that is why even really great quality therapy can feel like $#%^ initially when it starts working.

I have no idea how to phrase this stuff to make it not-scary. It is scary stuff. It just is. It's pretty normal and okay to be intimidated by it. Sometimes healthy things are extremely scary. Again just is what it is.

MG stole my answer.

kogi wrote:change feels bad.
what if i dont want to change? what if i want to continue living like a complete disaster? im used to this. i dont want someone to tell me what i need to do to meet their standards.

True. change feels very scary. at times i just want to be enclosed in my depression cause it feels safe.

i often see sitcoms from earlier days. childhood just to stay connected to my past.

kogi wrote:i fear what i dont know. i dont know a lot about dbt. the only experiences ive had with therapy have been traumatic. everyone talks about dbt in borderline circles. i dont know what it means. what it does, what to expect. change feels bad.
what if i dont want to change? what if i want to continue living like a complete disaster? im used to this. i dont want someone to tell me what i need to do to meet their standards.

You have a choice if you accept DBT, no one can force the rules upon you. You get to decide if you continue or discontinue the curriculum. You are in complete control.

If you don't want to change that is your choice, no one can force you to change or medicate you to change.

Don't worry about someone else's standards. At the end of the day, this life is all about how we think react, and feel day to day. No one else can experience the life anyone else does. Your life is your own unique experience.

That said, DBT can help lead to less negative experiences, less emotional reactivity. Negative experiences and emotional reactivity aren't fun. With that in mind, I think seeing what DBT can offer you that can help you. Not everything is going to be a miracle, but maybe there are some useful things here and there.

no offense but it sounds like it sucks and like itll make me feel bad and im quite notorious for running away from situations like that

kogi wrote:no offense but it sounds like it sucks and like itll make me feel bad and im quite notorious for running away from situations like that

Yeah it usually feels pretty bad at first. It's also your life and your decision, and if you choose to run away from trying to get better, that isn't right or wrong. Again it's your life. Different people value different things for different reasons. The world doesn't owe you anything, but simultaneously, you also owe the world nothing. If you want to remain very locked up in your head, chaotic and dysfunctional, it is your right to do so. A lot of neurotypicals, even many therapists, also have a hard time wrapping their minds around how these dysfunctions were created in the first place. In essence as desperate, primitive survival mechanisms by a brain that determined it would otherwise die. Challenging those mechanisms can feel akin to the full-on fear of death at times. Put most neurotypicals in a situation where they believe they are probably going to die, and you can watch them piss themselves and scramble without a shred of dignity or grace. So, you do you. You can always change your mind later if you feel so inclined.

kogi wrote:no offense but it sounds like it sucks and like itll make me feel bad and im quite notorious for running away from situations like that

i run away from new things so i'm a hypocrite here. but...

at times we have to do stuff that hurts. its like when we were given vaccinations when we were babies. the vaccinations hurt us but we had to go through them for better future.

kogi wrote:no offense but it sounds like it sucks and like itll make me feel bad and im quite notorious for running away from situations like that

Thats fair, I reread my post and it came off like DBT requires submission, which I'm not an obedient or trusting person, I like to make up my mind for myself and not take people at their word, I need to see results, so I I empathize with that fear.

What I should have said and conveyed more clearly is that DBT is more like providing you rules of thumb to use when certain situations arise. Its not a requirement that you use them and you get to explore these ideas, and see which ones work for you and which ones don't.

An example would be if you feel like running away, what can you do instead to help that fear? No likes to feel like running away, so what can you do to help yourself. DBT is providing little things to help out with that. You get to try them and see which ones work.

I did find the DBT hierarchy of needs difficult to deal with in individual. There were certain days that I wanted to do talk therapy, but my therapist wouldn't allow it and we had to do a chain analysis. But thats why I left that therapist, left DBT and found a therapy thats much more appropriate for me.

It turns out I don't have BPD, but that therapist I was with basically convinced me I did. I have anxiety that causes BPD traits.

Anyway, but yea, DBT is just about providing you things you can use in moments you find stressful. Thats all.

mostlyghostly wrote:DBT in a nutshell (if taught properly) is essentially just like a specialized CBT that basically more patient and in-depth with some primal basics, given an understanding of some unique Borderline challenges. It's supposed to be empowering when it starts to take effect.

It's about helping you achieve more self-awareness, including expanding the options you perceive to have, and figuring out ways to experience intense emotion in a safe way (as opposed to trying to shut your emotions off, or coping with them in dangerous ways). It is potentially most helpful for people who experience dissociation issues (which are a huge part of BPD in most cases). Reconnecting with yourself and your body, basically, so that you are aware of how your own brain and body are responding to things, rather than being hit by an avalanche of chaotic emotion seemingly out of nowhere. It is also about really identifying and embracing your thoughts and emotions. It often includes a focus on how your words/thoughts are actually very significant to your mind, such as "always" and "never" statements, or intense declarations about yourself.

What can make it intimidating is that it's basically the total opposite of what most people with BPD grew up with. Rather than being invalidated, you should expect to be validated a whole $#%^ ton. Which is actually so foreign and disorienting to most people with BPD, that it can actually set off feelings as though being invalidated, initially.

For a random, super vague example:

Say when you grew up you were a very kind little kid.
But your abuser(s) convinced you that you were very bad.
So eventually you started invalidating yourself by repeating the message that you are bad.
Then fast forward as an adult, and in therapy you insist that you are bad.
The therapist challenges this notion, which makes you feel very invalidated.
But the therapist is actually validating the true, 'inner' you that has been denied any acknowledgement for most of your thus-far life.

And that is why it can get kind of freaky. Typically in the case of BPD as an adult, you are your number one abuser. It's not your fault that you were conditioned to be that way, but it still is what it is. So that is why even really great quality therapy can feel like $#%^ initially when it starts working.

I have no idea how to phrase this stuff to make it not-scary. It is scary stuff. It just is. It's pretty normal and okay to be intimidated by it. Sometimes healthy things are extremely scary. Again just is what it is.

My head Dr. actually decided to start me out with EMDR 1st and when I am finish we will move on the DBT. It took me about 4 or 5 weeks to let her do the EMDR, but after my first time I was hooked. I felt like a new, stress free, happy person for days afterwards.

SO now I feel really positive about moving forward with DBT. I am 38 years old, I have been seeing head Dr's off an don since I was 12 years old (nobody could pin point what was "wrong" with me.. lol). The EMDR is the first time I have felt relief from myself.. bcz it' s me and I can't get myself to go away...