Help! Was My Ex Gf a Borderline??

avoidatallcost wrote:

mostlyghostly wrote:Haha the classic tango. The way you get super defensive back and forth in your threads and can't handle any feedback or opinions that don't just echo chamber what you think about this girl, just reinforces it.

Actually, the vast majority of people who post in the BPD forum, are people who have BPD, and are discussing aspects of having BPD. Since it is a forum for people with BPD. Not a forum for butthurt narcissists to come here and bitch about their exes.

So now you're going to argue about what the majority of people come here for? Seriously?

I'm not here to argue about bs. People are free to express their opinions of course, but I'm also just as free to state my opinion that their answers are lazy and unhelpful.

mostlyghostly wrote:Our of morbid curiosity, what happens next if you get what you're after? Like let's say hypothetically, that we all pile into this thread and go, "Oh yes, she was definitely a borderline," and you become convinced of this, then what, as far as your thoughts/feelings on the matter?

I don't know what I'm after. I'm still pretty confused. I mean deep down, I'm quite sure this young woman had some pretty serious mental problems. I'm also aware that I have issues too (as I"m sure we all do).

Why did I come here? I'm looking for insight from borderlines as well as people who are in/or have been in relationships with borderlines as to whether they think this woman's behavior was similar to BPD-like behavior they have encountered. I'm hoping such insight will help me process what happened so I can move on from this incredibly traumatic relationship.

What I'm looking for is honest in depth insight. I know many posters here can give that, even though some seem to prefer to argue about - well just about anything other than the topic at hand really. If you are going to give me lazy unhelpful answers that give me zero insight into this situation, such as "go to therapy" or "don't post here" than I have a right to state this not very helpful at all. I'm asking for room on this thread to be left for good, quality insight, if you're just going to post "why are you posting here" than please if this thread is not of any interest to you instead of posting here just go read another thread lol

-- Sat Apr 08, 2017 10:40 pm --

Breytt wrote:I'm also not seeing much bpd. Nothing that screams it as far as I'm concerned.

Are you serious? You don't see much BPD?

How about:

- her father abandoned her at a young age
- a history of extreme promiscuity
- a total lack of relationships, and when she does have relationships they are unstable, chaotic, short lived, and based pretty much on sex
- her constant breaking up and getting back together with me, push pull tactics
- starting arguments and break ups over seemingly minor issues (such as my ownership of a porn dvd)
- explosive anger, extreme emotional swings over minor issues (such as a porn dvd or nutrition label on a package of protein powder)
- silent treatments

Did you even read anything I wrote??

I don't mean to be rude but you have come to a forum consisting largely of many women with BPD and you have written quite derogatory statements about the illness "My question now is this: how can I get her back? Is she indeed borderline like some have suggested to me and I should just run for the hills?"

Why are you trying to diagnose this young woman via us? It doesn't make much sense, and the whole tone of your posts is coming off as though you also have issues. I really don't think you will get the answers you are looking for here and therapy would be a much healthier option

avoidatallcost wrote:Are you serious? You don't see much BPD?

How about:

- her father abandoned her at a young age
- a history of extreme promiscuity
- a total lack of relationships, and when she does have relationships they are unstable, chaotic, short lived, and based pretty much on sex
- her constant breaking up and getting back together with me, push pull tactics
- starting arguments and break ups over seemingly minor issues (such as my ownership of a porn dvd)
- explosive anger, extreme emotional swings over minor issues (such as a porn dvd or nutrition label on a package of protein powder)
- silent treatments

Did you even read anything I wrote??

How about I think you're messed up and it feels like you're exaggerating on a lot??
Quite frankly I'm seeing another illness in what I read, but hey that's just me. You want to go around trying to diagnose your ex with bpd you be my guest.

1. Lots of abandoned people don't get bpd
2. I'm 23 and my "number" is in the 20's too, guess what? Lot's of people this age are "high" in the numbers. I know plenty of women who take a new guy home at least once monthly. Some people like sex. Out of all the people I've been with I believe 7 were "one night stands", and 3 of them were threesomes with my ex-boyfriend who pressured me into it.
3. Same with a lot of young adults.
4. Maybe she just runs back to you because you're the comfort zone until she finds better. I know plenty of young women who do that too.
5. Okay?? Some people don't like their partners viewing porn. No, it's not right but some people are uncomfortable with it.
6. Okay??
7. I wouldn't want to talk to you either.

Quite frankly it just feels like you're trying to put her into the bpd bubble. idec. I think she may have some traits, but like I said it doesn't "scream" it. I'm seeing another illness more than bpd.

sahiaf wrote:I don't mean to be rude but you have come to a forum consisting largely of many women with BPD and you have written quite derogatory statements about the illness "My question now is this: how can I get her back? Is she indeed borderline like some have suggested to me and I should just run for the hills?"

Why are you trying to diagnose this young woman via us? It doesn't make much sense, and the whole tone of your posts is coming off as though you also have issues. I really don't think you will get the answers you are looking for here and therapy would be a much healthier option

It doesn't make much sense? THE WHOLE POINT OF FORUMS SUCH AS PSYCHFORUMS.COM IS TO DISCUSS BPD, ITS TRAITS, AND WHETHER PEOPLE HAVE BPD AND HOW THEY CAN BE TREATED.

You do realize that the internet is full of millions of people who flock to internet forums trying to get opinions of other people on whether they or people they know display symptoms of a mental disorder don't you? I have actually seen a therapist, but the whole point of forums such as this one is to discuss matters such as BPD and whether someone may have it. And yet you're questioning why I come here asking this question, on a site who's very purpose is just that lol

THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS FORUM.

Ps. I knew some of you were going to be difficult.. borderlines don't exactly have a reputation for being friendly and easygoing but I know some of you may actually want to help and give me some good advice and insight other than lazy responses such as:

- go seek therapy (I mean why post on a bpd forum about bpd issues when I should just go away)
- don't come here this place isn't for you, even though I'm on a BPD forum talking about someone who most probably has BPD
- why did you come to a BPD forum to talk about BPD (this is my favorite lazy response lol)

Breytt wrote:1. Lots of abandoned people don't get bpd.

Abandonment is one of the criteria required for a finding of BPD. While abandonment alone is not enough for it, in collusion with other traits such as promiscuity, drug abuse, push pull tactics, a history of chaotic relationships, self harming, etc together they can form a basis for a finding that someone has the disorder. Coincidentally, all these traits my ex gf exhibited.

Breytt wrote:2. I'm 23 and my "number" is in the 20's too, guess what? Lot's of people this age are "high" in the numbers. I know plenty of women who take a new guy home at least once monthly. Some people like sex. Out of all the people I've been with I believe 7 were "one night stands", and 3 of them were threesomes with my ex-boyfriend who pressured me into it.

^ That's the same bs that my BPD ex tried to pull over on me, that "everyone is having sex with 30 people by the time they're 22 and having threesomes and orgies." I don't buy it. The average number of LIFETIME sex partners for people is still around 5 to 10. You can do a cursory search of the latest studies.

Here I will do some of the work for you and cite one such study:

" Interestingly enough, women reported having had more sexual partners overall than men, with an average of 7 to date. The men surveyed averaged about 6.4 partners."

[link removed]

Bottom line, you have BPD and my ex gf has a similar extremely messed up sexual history. I think this is all I need for my answer really, thank you.

Breytt wrote:5. Okay?? Some people don't like their partners viewing porn. No, it's not right but some people are uncomfortable with it..

Not liking a partner viewing porn is one thing. But dating someone for a month and demanding they throw out their personal property over it is another. To me it means she is trying to exert control over me, and breaking up with someone over it and then calling them to get back together is an example of push pull tactics, which is one of the diagnostic criteria required for BPD, which as you know is a very serious mental disorder.

Breytt wrote:6. Okay??
7. I wouldn't want to talk to you either.

Breytt, since you have BPD you probably don't want to talk to anybody around you most of the time. I doubt that I would be any different.

Breytt wrote:Quite frankly it just feels like you're trying to put her into the bpd bubble. idec. I think she may have some traits, but like I said it doesn't "scream" it. I'm seeing another illness more than bpd.

Thank you, breytt I appreciate your honesty. Just the fact that you think she has some kind of illness is good enough for me. Frankly, I don't really care whether she has BPD, HPD, NPD, or is a certifiable psychopath. If you're saying that you think she has some kind of mental illness than that is good enough for me. It tells me she is toxic person and that I cannot have a normal stable loving relationship with her. She is not fixable.

Breytt wrote:How about I think you're messed up and it feels like you're exaggerating on a lot??
Quite frankly I'm seeing another illness in what I read, but hey that's just me. You want to go around trying to diagnose your ex with bpd you be my guest.

Of course you're free to have your own opinion. If you think I'm exaggerating, feel free to point out where I exaggerated and what you feel the real answer is. So far you haven't pointed out anything I have exaggerated about. You just make blanket accusations that I'm exaggerating without pointing out what it is I exaggerated about exactly. I have been nothing but forthcoming and honest in order to gain some kind of insight. So far all I get is angry responses.

Still hoping someone will come up with something that will give me insight. But I can say one thing is for sure: a lot of the circular reasoning, baseless accusations, incorrect assumptions, and deflection that I have encountered with the various BPD's in this thread is very similar to the treatment I faced when dealing with my ex.. so I think I have already have my answer!

avoidatallcost wrote:so I think I have already have my answer!

If you already have your answer then why are you still here?
Seriously, you sound just like my narc, abusive piece of $#%^ ex. He also tried "diagnosing" me with more than I've already been diagnosed with. The both of you should move on. Like ###$, if we're all so awful why do you hang on so tightly? Oh and he was 41, so up there in age. ######6 pathetic that he wouldn't let go for the longest time and kept harassing me. I sure as ###$ hope you aren't harassing her and will just leave her alone.

oh and fyi, just because people lie about their "number" of sexual partner's doesn't mean what I'm saying isn't true. Yeah, there's plenty of people who aren't over 10 but there's sure as hell a lot over it too. Me being at over 20 doesn't mean $#%^ when the majority of the people I was with for at least 3 months. It's easy to rack up the numbers and not just go ###$ everything in sight.

Like really, I could go say I had sex with 5 people and people would judge me differently than if I said 20+. Maybe all 5 of those were in the last 3 weeks, but they'll never know that.

A study I've read found that people say 6-7 is the "ideal" number just to say you've had, so I find it quite amusing your study coincides with people who lie and use those numbers. Even my current partner has more than that, and he isn't someone who does the one night stand thing.

Oh and I do talk to people around me about a lot of $#%^ bpd related and otherwise. Good job making assumptions. Then you wonder why we're hostile towards you? lol

People who've been with a few longer term partners rather than a lot of shorter term ones are better in bed, in my experience. Anecdotal but I thought relatively interesting.

3 month relationships are still short term, probably.

Courtier wrote:People who've been with a few longer term partners rather than a lot of shorter term ones are better in bed, in my experience. Anecdotal but I thought relatively interesting.

3 month relationships are still short term, probably.

Quite interesting. I found for myself it was all about learning what your partner was into tbh. With my longer term partner's they had specific wants/likes when it came to what went on, and they varied between partners. With the hook-ups nobody really cared, so if I wasn't feeling up to doing things "well" I didn't have to. /shrug

Anyhow it is, and I'm not saying it isn't by any means. When you go and tell people you've been with over 20 people in my experience people assume it's mainly one night stands though. Could be different for others, but even my current guy assumed I had my "one night stand" phase and that's how I racked up the numbers.

Yeah. I'm not going to get involved with the politics of whether 20 is an acceptable number at your age or whatever. I think it's healthy and normal. Just wanted to make a comment about the more attentive partners. I think the time they've taken the time to get to know people intimately really makes a difference

Courtier wrote:Yeah. I'm not going to get involved with the politics of whether 20 is an acceptable number at your age or whatever. I think it's healthy and normal. Just wanted to make a comment about the more attentive partners. I think the time they've taken the time to get to know people intimately really makes a difference

I agree with you on that. It seems to be the same in my experience with guys who've mainly had long-term relationships. Even for myself I know before my more long-term relationships I didn't care much about being "good" with my partner's. Being with people for quite awhile (1+ years) definitely did help me become a better partner sexually. /shrug

Mod message

THE WHOLE POINT OF FORUMS SUCH AS PSYCHFORUMS.COM IS TO DISCUSS BPD, ITS TRAITS, AND WHETHER PEOPLE HAVE BPD AND HOW THEY CAN BE TREATED.

The actual point to the BPD forum is for people with BPD
As you are a visitor seeking advice you are required to do it in a respectful manner.

I also remember having to explain this to you regarding this same question on the NPD forum if i remember rightly ...as i was brought in to give my side from my own BPD perspective
And now your here in the BPD forum asking the same things.

User message

I knew some of you were going to be difficult.. borderlines don't exactly have a reputation for being friendly and easygoing but I know some of you may actually want to help and give me some good advice and insight other than lazy responses such as:

You come to a forum where BPD people are (its our forum) and then accuse the members here of lazy responses and unfriendly attitudes?

BPDs are defensive yes ofc they are , you came in knowing "some of them would be difficult"
Seriously ?

If you require BPD forum to help you to find answers ...maybe show a little respect to the people you just triggered with your knowledgeable comments


i find your approach you self diagnosing her offensive

Abandonment is one of the criteria required for a finding of BPD. While abandonment alone is not enough for it, in collusion with other traits such as promiscuity, drug abuse, push pull tactics, a history of chaotic relationships, self harming, etc together they can form a basis for a finding that someone has the disorder. Coincidentally, all these traits my ex gf exhibited.

Not liking a partner viewing porn is one thing. But dating someone for a month and demanding they throw out their personal property over it is another. To me it means she is trying to exert control over me, and breaking up with someone over it and then calling them to get back together is an example of push pull tactics, which is one of the diagnostic criteria required for BPD, which as you know is a very serious mental disorder.

this explanation was explained by a few members in NPD forum. as you'll remember
And in relationship forum too
narcissistic-personality/topic190491.html
relationship/topic190472.html?sid=f72703d5d056ae245282152c8af27b41#p1974567

So far all I get is angry responses.

Still hoping someone will come up with something that will give me insight. But I can say one thing is for sure: a lot of the circular reasoning, baseless accusations, incorrect assumptions, and deflection that I have encountered with the various BPD's in this thread is very similar to the treatment I faced when dealing with my ex.. so I think I have already have my answer!

Mod message
This is why relationship based threads are for the relationship forums
As your post is getting offensive by yourself and the members here i have locked this post for the above reason

people of Un-Diagnosed ex's are hurt we know that, and yes sometimes threads get heated but as you have got your answers.

I think I have already have my answer!

Note:
please be careful where you post as you dont actually know for sure what (if any) PD that your ex has/hasnt got.

Maybe try living-with-mental-illness/
As you are only "presuming she has a PD"