How to convince someone to forgive you?

I was horrible to a close friend( called her a bunch of names in texts for about a month straight after she told me I was too needy and she wanted nothing too do with me) the last few years(too clingy) and after 6 months of learning to put my BPD in remission I tried to reach out and she told me she wished me dead more or less and I feel I wont be able to put my past behind me unitl i'm forgiven.I'm apprehensive about contacting her again

Hi Kielera

I think your best chance is to write a letter apologising for your behaviour and try to explain how BPD effects you. Go into how it can over rule all logic and drive you to act in a way that isn't acceptable. Explain how you understand how you have hurt her and realise that it may mean that there is no going back to how things where and how you realise she may never want anything more to do with you but you want to apologise as she means a lot to you and you feel that you need to explain how BPD drives you to do these things as she deserves to know the truth.

She may never want to see you again but she deserves to know why you behaved as you did. Your honesty may swing it so that she is willing to remain friends.

Draft a letter and go over it over a few days to make sure it comes across as you want. I find that my first draft is never perfect when I read it the following day. You could even post it here for others to give their opinion or show it to someone you trust before sending it.

This is surely not what you want to hear but I think you don't. A person has to want to forgive you. Pestering them for forgiveness, trying to "convince them" will only make make things worse. It sounds like she's already given you her answer.

kielera71421 wrote:I feel I wont be able to put my past behind me unitl i'm forgiven.

Yeah, I totally understand, but at least you tried, right? You said you're sorry, that's the most you can do. You just made a mistake. You didn't intend harm. She may never forgive you but it's okay to forgive yourself.

pleasnpetrichor wrote:Yeah, I totally understand, but at least you tried, right? You said you're sorry, that's the most you can do. You just made a mistake. You didn't intend harm. She may never forgive you but it's okay to forgive yourself.

Agree 100% all you can do is try, and then it's on them, you just need to leave it behind. DT's suggestion is exactly how I'd handle it, that way you know you've said everything you need to get it off your chest, but then as pleasn said, it's time to forgive yourself.

All of the above suggestions are proper and appropriate, but here is one more: stop thinking about whether you are forgiven for what you did and start stopping it.

It's time to see someone about this and pay good money for it if necessary. This practice of asking for forgiveness puts the burden on others external to you as if happiness depends on them and not you.

It depends on you and no one else. It begins by owning your stuff and quitting it. One of the best posters I saw was this: "I am not a product of my circumstances, I am a product of my decisions." This means that you don't externalize anything anymore and start owning your own stuff and getting help.

I know a lot of BPD adults and they wish they could, but the initiative and the follow-through - and sometimes the meds - make it hard to stick with, I know. But the results could be the deal-maker.

Stop accepting the deal-breakers.

Just my humble opinion.

After years of sending long, cringy notes to people that might not wish to hear from me, I find massive comfort in leaving people alone. I faked it 'til I made it. Now I can't send an unwanted, long, cringe inducing message to anyone if I tried. There are too many opportunities to delete it and talk to someone who wants to hear from me.

Try this: picture it being read and it resulting every one of the possible outcomes. If any are negative or possibly humiliating then I perform self care and not send it! Takes practice.

You accidentally make the mistake of thinking you can control people. You can't make people do anything, you can't make anyone feel anything. You can only LISTEN when people tell you to piss off. They ain't kidding. And if someone tells you to go away it is up to THEM to come back and forgive you.
You can't brute force it.