Help?

So I'm new to this place and whatnot but I was recently diagnosed with BPD and Primarily Cognitive OCD. The OCD being the main cause of the way I 'feel'.

So, I should start with an introduction I suppose. You may call me Half or hdr or whatever nickname you may come up with. I, since the 5th grade (now nearing the end of my 1st year in college mind you), have had intrusive thoughts battering my mind with images, words, sounds, you name it of a brutal, gory, bloody, violent, over-sexualized theme to them. It was horrible, I had to hide away for a couple years before I stopped crying. I haven't cried emotionally in 9 years, and I can see this fact biting me in the behind even now. So really, my BPD is closer to the often misconceived Borderline Sociopath.

Most of my positive emotions have been shattered, my view of the world is bleak and boring. I've been torn apart by my condition essentially. Well, I got on a large dose of Prozac a while ago and recently, I stopped being harassed by my own thoughts due to this. I was ecstatic, but not happy (this is important). It's almost as if I can no longer feel happy which is worrying because now I feel perpetually empty. And so I was diagnosed with BPD.

I feel so empty, why am I alive? I'm seriously only alive for the sake of my family and friends. I just don't understand why I should enjoy living? I hate being alive, it's an absolute drag. Not only is it hard work, but I don't even want it. It's my loved ones who do. I feel like I hate everyone and everything including reality.

I watch anime, play video games, or watch a movie and I look at those universes and think to myself, "Why can't my life be exciting like those guys?" Of course I've tried extreme sports and fighting (boxing, MMA, tae kwon do). I've tried learning practical fighting styles, doing outdoorsy stuff, playing board games, etc. I don't have any enthusiasm, I have no drive. I'm majoring in Astronomy and I find myself slacking even on that when it's supposed to be my main thing. The drive with that was a placebo, as soon as I started learning about the intricacies I got bored with it.

Why should I even be here? Why do I HAVE to live? Can't they just let me die? I'm so tired of working so hard for a life I don't even care about. What the hell do I do?! I'm completely lost!

I really don't know what advice or information or help or whatever I could give on this besides to say that that's just how life is. Many people have the illusion that it will all work out in the end. I don't know if that is just ignorance or if they actually know something.

I understand the feeling of emptiness very well its really hard to find "your thing" that would keep you going and drive you . It sounds like you should definately focus on finding that something or maybe even someone. Maybe try getting into something spiritual try meditation things like that (if thats your thing of course) . Sports you said dont work maybe something like music drawing ..these things often provoke strong feelings in us and can help lot. I really hope you find your purpose because you have one trust me <3

HalfDecentReality wrote:So I'm new to this place and whatnot but I was recently diagnosed with BPD and Primarily Cognitive OCD. The OCD being the main cause of the way I 'feel'.

So, I should start with an introduction I suppose. You may call me Half or hdr or whatever nickname you may come up with. I, since the 5th grade (now nearing the end of my 1st year in college mind you), have had intrusive thoughts battering my mind with images, words, sounds, you name it of a brutal, gory, bloody, violent, over-sexualized theme to them. It was horrible, I had to hide away for a couple years before I stopped crying. I haven't cried emotionally in 9 years, and I can see this fact biting me in the behind even now. So really, my BPD is closer to the often misconceived Borderline Sociopath.

Most of my positive emotions have been shattered, my view of the world is bleak and boring. I've been torn apart by my condition essentially. Well, I got on a large dose of Prozac a while ago and recently, I stopped being harassed by my own thoughts due to this. I was ecstatic, but not happy (this is important). It's almost as if I can no longer feel happy which is worrying because now I feel perpetually empty. And so I was diagnosed with BPD.

I feel so empty, why am I alive? I'm seriously only alive for the sake of my family and friends. I just don't understand why I should enjoy living? I hate being alive, it's an absolute drag. Not only is it hard work, but I don't even want it. It's my loved ones who do. I feel like I hate everyone and everything including reality.

I watch anime, play video games, or watch a movie and I look at those universes and think to myself, "Why can't my life be exciting like those guys?" Of course I've tried extreme sports and fighting (boxing, MMA, tae kwon do). I've tried learning practical fighting styles, doing outdoorsy stuff, playing board games, etc. I don't have any enthusiasm, I have no drive. I'm majoring in Astronomy and I find myself slacking even on that when it's supposed to be my main thing. The drive with that was a placebo, as soon as I started learning about the intricacies I got bored with it.

Why should I even be here? Why do I HAVE to live? Can't they just let me die? I'm so tired of working so hard for a life I don't even care about. What the hell do I do?! I'm completely lost!

My response is simple, no one here is going to enlighten you in the way you're asking for.

I suggest seeking out some crisis support at your university health center, and then finding some long term help to ease your discomfort and allow you to start coping with what your experiencing.

I had similar thoughts in the past, that I was living so as not to hurt my family and friends. And that was a strong motivation to stay in the game, but as that was my only motivation, I was suffering pretty much daily from panic, lonliness, horrible anxiety, everyday kind of sucked.

I started seeing a therapist November of last year, and the first thing that they're instructed to work on is how to keep you safe. So know if you do decide to see a therapist, your safety is their first priority and they will work with you to ease your discomfort. They can't take it away, but they will give you tools to cope with your most distressing symptoms. Then you can start working on other things

If you do find a good therapist who you vibe with, its a tremendous thing. Everything you're thinking about that you find distressing you can share with them and they'll help you process those thoughts and give you tools to make those thoughts less common and less distressing.

Depending on what University you go to, they should have crisis support at the student health center, go there, then find a clinic that works with OCD, arrange a consult, and make a commitment to yourself that because you care about your family and friends, you know that they want you to be happy, make a commitment that you're going to work hard on yourself for them, so that they aren't worried and so that they can see you happy.

That normally would be good advice. The issue is a bit more pressing I'm afraid. I'm seeing a psychologist and a side therapist every week. They just don't seem to know how to handle this. All I see them do is take my bleak understanding of something and give it a bit of depth so it begins to seem a tad more lively.

I never said I care about what my family thinks. I've attempted suicide already but the [small edit] unfortunately. Someone walked in on me trying to fix it and I had to deal with police shortly afterward. Then the long hospital visit, so annoying. I have a complete disregard for human life, so believe me when I say I'd rather kill than be killed. Unfortunately, we don't live in a world where I can work out that kind of stress in a healthy way.

I used to pace, they told me not to do that, I punched things, usually it isn't enough unless it's alive, but they told me to stop that too. Slamming [small edit] against the wall, blasting music in my ears to the point of hearing loss. Looking into the sun to try and blind myself just because I was bored.

It's strange you know? Everyone attempts to compare their problems to mine, but I don't think people who do that really understand. I'm not 'feeling' anything really. The only time I noticeably feel is when I'm angry. Here lies the issue, I'm bored due to lack of emotion. I've been bored for almost a decade, and it only gets more intense exponentially as each day goes by.

I can assure you my therapists have tried everything in their power, and I appreciate that (I think). Nothing works though, so still I sit here wondering why I have to live in such hell. I'm not self pitying here, I just see no reason to lie. I'm told I should write a book but I doubt my punctuation is any good for that sort of thing, not to mention finding the ambition to actually write it every day would be a pain.

See what I'm talking about? This isn't your typical emptiness. This is an emptiness so strong that I'm perpetually on the brink of killing myself, or someone else to make it go away. I'm just suicidal all around really, I've been sent to the hospital so many times for this, but they seem to finally understand. There's nothing they can do aside from experimental brain surgery I'd presume.

Ah well, that's enough ranting about my problems I guess. In the end I'm still confused and everyone gives me the same workarounds that I've already tried, no offense intended.