Well.. add "Love Addict" to the list..

*sigh*

Being self-aware and incredibly sensitive can be really awesome at times. And I am learning how to be grateful for this gift, because I do see it as more of a gift than a hinderance. But gosh, it makes life awfully lonely. It's like, I can see everyone else speaking this language of love an I want to speak it too but it's coming out in squeaks and sometimes roars and I just am sad about it.

I knew that I had a pattern of falling out of love just about as quickly as I fell in it, but I didn't know why. Couldn't explain why I kept finding myself in relationships I didn't actually want or need and then would have to keep having that horrible conversation at the end (sometimes a lot) that it was a mistake and maybe I didn't exactly love them.

I ######6 HATE it, believe me, I hate hurting people like this. I am no monster. I want love like everyone else and unfortunately I don't speak the language as well. I feel so terrible afterward. The shame is so big it feels like it will engulf me. It's hard for me to look it in the face-to admit that I basically dissociated my way through my latest relationship. And she realized that I wasn't actually attracted to her....she found out because she looked through my phone. Why did I do that? Why do I do this? Romantically engage people I don't want to be with?

Pretty sure i'm a love addict. I'm sure it's a part of my bpd. I idealize very, very intensely and really have to watch myself when interacting with potential interests. Because not so long after, the topple from the pedestal I set them on and then by then i've detached a bit. I am no longer impressed. I have mentally moved on.

The mind is astounding in all the ways it tries to protect you... I just want mine to calm down a bit while maintaining my defenses. Here's to hoping that therapy will continue to help..

Does anyone else experience intense infatuation stages followed by a swift backpedal not too long after?

Yes... but it's generally followed by another idealisation phase, cycling if you will. Are there triggers for this? Is it fear of engulfoment? It sounds in my oh so amateur opinion more narc in style, I'd be more likely to lash out at whatever failings I saw than hide them on my phone.

whathaveibecome wrote:Yes... but it's generally followed by another idealisation phase, cycling if you will. Are there triggers for this? Is it fear of engulfoment? It sounds in my oh so amateur opinion more narc in style, I'd be more likely to lash out at whatever failings I saw than hide them on my phone.

Yes, there's always another idealization phase. They seem to be never ending! Oh, I have very narc traits. I don't feel *malicious* though, I feel like I keep trying to get my needs/wants met in unhealthy ways and the actual phase escapes me until it's too late. Only *now* am I realizing that what I am doing in fact, is projecting my own parents onto other people. Even when I think I really like someone.... I have to remind myself not to fantasize about them because then I start to basically imagine someone who is *not* them and then when they trigger me (as they do), my fantasy gets ruined and switch turns to off. I have to check myself day in and day out now to make sure that my feet are planted on the ground, at least some of the time.

I don't even think that I know what a healthy relationship even feels like, and I can't remember the last time I genuinely liked someone and it wasn't "liking" someone or having a favorite person.