New Member intro.

Hello all I am a brand new member, but not new to the mental health scene so I just wanted to take a brief moment and introduce myself as well as a brief description of where I'm at in my journey (if you will).

I always knew from a young age that I was different, but I learned how to become a great actor. I could be the fun, happy, outgoing Otter that everybody just adored, while feelings of emptiness and utter loneliness filled me to my core.

I should say actually that these feelings started at around 8 years of age when an uncle of mine decided I was such a pretty boy that he would treat me like a girl up until I was 12 years old. This went on pretty much every weekend during those 4 years. I had blocked this out until very recently when I have started linking my learned behaviors to childhood events.

Wow this is tough because the sequence of events that has gotten me to the point I am at now are all out of sync. So for now, know that the sexual abuse happened and without realizing the cause of my behaviors I started doing drugs, having severe authority issues, social issues.... and the list goes on and on.

Let's jump ahead to when I am 23 years old and was a victim of a brutal crime where the criminal started shooting up the place and I hid in a closet with a 3 year old girl. After killing 3 people the killer dumped gasoline throughout the house and lit it. I survived, but with severe burns, the little girl did not. So stared my journey into Mental Health Treatment.

Obviously I was diagnosed with PTSD, Panic Disorder, anxiety, depression, Surviors Guilt etc. Over the years I've been on so many different medications from your standard antidepressants to benzo's, mood stabilizers, low doses of anti psychotics. sleeping meds, various things to try and ease my nightmares..... All with little success. I was resistant to one on one therapy due to severe trust issues. I would get to a point that I needed to make a change and go at it full tilt for a few weeks, and then get bored and think there was no help for me and quit. I am 46 years old now and my life is in shambles. Brief intense relationships that were doomed to failure soon after. Utterly alone. miserable beyond belief.

I was hospitalized on 5 occasions for suicide attempts. some a cry for help, some a threat and some very real. Last July a few days before my Birthday I decided enough was enough. I researched some old medications I had around, but had stopped taking. I found that an large overdose would stop your heart. I took about 5 pills and slammed a beer, 5 pills beer, 5 more, beer The next thing i remember I woke in the hospital with 6 different IV's in me and three days had passed.

I spent a few weeks in the heart wing of the hospital, and then was shipped off to psych. I spent a few weeks there, and shipped off to a partial hospitalization program, in which I attend group and individual therapy 3 days a week for 8 hours a day. I currently there and have been since last August.

If you're still with me I am going to pause here and continue my tale a bit later. I had no idea it would be this long, so Thanks for sticking with me, and I'll continue soon.

Welcome to the forum. I have not read your entire post (yet), buuuut I figured since nobody else has at least welcomed you I'd go ahead and do that. I hope you'll find all the support/help you may need. Everyone here is pretty great.

Hello and welcome. I can only imagine the stuff you felt growing up but it's good you are here trying to connect I've found it helpful to write about my experiences in the forum.