From hero to zero. Idealization/Devaluation struggles

Hello and good day. I've been registered here since I was diagnosed in 2014, but tend to hop in and out in very significant gaps of time. I do apologize for that, and wish I could be more committed to these forums. Sometimes though, it is really easy to find triggers here, so I often come back around when already triggered.

Some long time regulars might recognize me, and for newer posters I do hope you are finding/giving good support here as I have in the past. I come here today for feedback involving idealization/devaluation and how it affects you and the people around you if it is one of the criteria that falls under your BPD umbrella.

I hate it. I really do. It is just crazy how someone can fall so quickly after reaching the top. Often they don't even have a clue what they did, and why your behavior towards them changes so suddenly. The passive-aggressiveness is just sickening to everyone involved.

What's crazy is the logistic areas of my brain are intact, and is telling me, "Yo! he/she is not a horrible person. Nobody is either all good, or all bad." But something else just won't have any part of it, and I continue to feel extreme distaste for the person, and just being around them makes me irritable to the point that it bleeds on others and makes them uncomfortable. I use my DBT to lessen the blow, and it's what helps me see the grey side of said person. But the behavior towards them and the immediate thoughts I seem to have no control over, and I want to run my head through a wall.

Anywho. Sorry for long read. But it helps to type stuff out.

For me it depends on the person in question, a loved one falls from grace far more quickly and swiftly than say a family member or friend. I seem to have a lot of time and patience for those. Kinda. Maybe because I'm not emotionally involved.

I think I see the loved ones as more likely to let me down. And when they do, I'm livid. But I don't see them as the devil. I do want to scratch their eyes out though!

I'm quite used to that. I mean - I've been always doing that (as well as changing my mood). I even didn't know it was an issue (I was really sure that everybody does so), until I was diagnosed and my psychiatrist told me that such thinking and mood shifts are the symptoms.

After all these years I'm still shocked that "nons" don't do that.

I still think I'm a 'non'!

Tinker_bell wrote:For me it depends on the person in question, a loved one falls from grace far more quickly and swiftly than say a family member or friend. I seem to have a lot of time and patience for those. Kinda. Maybe because I'm not emotionally involved.

I think I see the loved ones as more likely to let me down. And when they do, I'm livid. But I don't see them as the devil. I do want to scratch their eyes out though!

I have found family members to be exempt from this, but none of them are idealized. Idealizations tend to happen with lovers or love interests, mentors, therapists, or anyone where a significant amount of emotional attachment has been placed.

It is indeed when they let me down that it happens. Some instances I can provide for examples is I once I had a friend who used to work out with me, and then stopped when she got pregnant, and I immediately hated her for it. Another had a co worker love interest who I thought was into me come to work with a kicky on her neck, and I was done with her.

I don't wish these people physical pain or anything like that. I just no longer see them as good people and I don't want to be associated with them in any way for the remainder of my days.

iate wrote:I'm quite used to that. I mean - I've been always doing that (as well as changing my mood). I even didn't know it was an issue (I was really sure that everybody does so), until I was diagnosed and my psychiatrist told me that such thinking and mood shifts are the symptoms.

After all these years I'm still shocked that "nons" don't do that.

I actually had no idea I did it at all until therapy. Just like you, I questioned my therapist asking, "Doesn't everyone do this?" She pointed out that people can rise and fall with nons, but she also enlightened me to how this mental process is much different with borderlines due to the black and white thinking. She was the one who mentioned, "hero to zero [in a snap of a finger]" and said nons definitely don't do this.

I think another separating factor for borderlines is neither the idealization or devaluation are deserved. A non will idealize someone after continuous effort and behavior that lets them know that they are a good person capable of screwing up. For a borderline, you might have just given us a hug at the right time, and you become an angel. Then they inevitably screw up and booted right off the pedestal and no sh*ts given.

Just so all the ladies here know....us fellas do the same thing with you gals....just not as cruelly.

Never was there a colder or more fickle heart than that closest to a uterus.

Starvin_Marvin wrote:Never was there a colder or more fickle heart than that closest to a uterus.

You clearly haven't met my ex bf

iate wrote:

Starvin_Marvin wrote:Never was there a colder or more fickle heart than that closest to a uterus.

You clearly haven't met my ex bf

And you haven't stood within icing distance of a couple of my ex mistakes.

Starvin_Marvin wrote:

iate wrote:

Starvin_Marvin wrote:Never was there a colder or more fickle heart than that closest to a uterus.

You clearly haven't met my ex bf

And you haven't stood within icing distance of a couple of my ex mistakes.

What is this, battle of the sexes? Both genders have their fair share of spiteful heartless individuals who do untold damage to anyone unfortunate enough to be drawn in by the facade they present to the outside world.

Both sides views are tainted by the specific gender that wronged them. If you were gay SM I'm sure you'd have the exact same feeling about ex male partners, relationships are personal, which is why the hurt the most.