Suicidal BPD daughter

My daughter is 16 and I really am at a loss of what to help her now. She is saying that she feels suicidal and I asked her if she wanted me to get her an earlier appointment with her psychiatrist and she doesn't want that, says she will make it worse because of switching meds again.

I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk together after work, but she ignored that email. I told her I was sorry she was feeling miserable and asked her what I could do to help and she says she doesn't know. I asked her if she could talk to her friend and she said it was no use, she isn't a miracle worker.

I reminded her that her meds were just increased and they take a couple weeks to kick in and that this weekend she was sick and no wonder she was miserable.

I wanted her to talk to the school social worker that she has known for a while, but she is gone all week. I emailed the social worker and she said she told my daughter to seek help at guidance and she didn't want to. She told me that we should just watch her, listen to her and maybe bring her in to emergency even though it is always a waste of time.

If I call the youth services bureau, they will tell me that if she seems suicidal to bring her in to be assessed at the the children's mental health hospital in emergency. She won't go if she is just feeling miserable - we usually go by ambulance after she has really done some serious self-harm that requires us having to go there. The most they will do is keep her overnight and we get sent home the next morning when she has calmed down.

I am losing hope because it has been over a year that we have been dealing with this - I would take her to the family doctor who would panic and want her admitted, but the hospital would think it wasn't serious enough and then we would just get sent home. And then we finally got a psychiatrist and that works for her trying different meds, but so far we haven't found the right combination to keep her safe from self harm, helps her focus with her ADHD, makes her less impulsive and keeps her from being anxious or depressed.

We have an appt. with this major mental health program for teens with severe mental health issues next Monday, but she likely won't want to do the intensive program for two whole evenings each week. It is a huge time commitment and can barely get her to attend her 3.5 hours of school each day.

I recognize a lot of myself in her from when I was a teen, but it doesn't really help me to take the pain away for her. She has people who love and care for her including me, her twin sister, her brother, her friends and still she wants to die.

I just wish I could download the stuff I learned after 25 years of having BPD and could transfer it into her brain so she doesn't have to feel this way for years and years like most of us do.

i was suicidal in my mid 20s. this is what helped me...

venting out to a friend(i spoke of my issues/ reasons to a friend n she didnt judge me. she just nodded her head and said it's okay)--- it didnt help me as in be a miracle and i wasnt like full of enthusiasm. but it felt lighter after talking with her.

living on my own--- this helped a lot. gave me space. i could cry all the time in room without caring about if person in next room can hear me. i'd go on walks in evening and be sad. but it was still healing. i'd go on terrace and talk to myself. i'd have ice cream, wash clothes, dance in the room to loud music. that helped. made some positive memories. also joined the gym n went on bicycle rides.

imagining a friend/guardian is looking after me--- like i'd think i got two giant wings and i'd put them around me for protection.
or i'd assume i'm some kid and resting my head on a friend's lap(just imagine) and like he's giving me attention like i'm some kid.

---growing plants, watching animal planet, going out of facebook helped in small amounts.

--- i also stopped watching tv sitcoms and news.


just in case, and this is just an assumption , not meant as a remark on you, but just in case the communication between you and your daughter isnt strong then it's all right. dont force her to talk to you. or force her to be happy.

my mom would do this a lot and it was stifling. for me to be even in the same room with her is like awkward.


this is a difficult and sensitive situation. there were times when i grabbed knife and wanted to kill myself. a nightmare for a parent, i guess.

maybe tell her that: it's okay to be unhappy and not have much enthusiasm, but we also have reasons to be content. like only a clown laughs the entire day and that too cause it's getting paid.

it's all right to be unhappy. just as it's okay to be physically ill like catch a cold or fever.

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Thanks Jaus Tail - those are all good suggestions to help her feel a bit better - our communication is based on when she wants to talk - I know not to force conversation because when they thought she had autism I learned not to push for it. The problem is I will ask her how she is doing and she will pretend to be fine, act happy and sound it too and then she will be mad later that I didn't know she was depressed.

She will also wait until my fiance and I go to bed and then self-harm when I am fast asleep and be mad at me for not knowing that that is what she was doing. It is like she thinks a good mom should just KNOW these things.

triplemoon18 wrote: and then she will be mad later that I didn't know she was depressed.

and then self-harm when I am fast asleep and be mad at me for not knowing that that is what she was doing. It is like she thinks a good mom should just KNOW these things.

sounds a lot like my caretaker.


SOME BACK STORY

she'd shout all night saying something's happening to her. if we suggested taking her to doctor, she'd refuse and start crying as to why has god given her birth n that she wants her mother.

if we coughed she'd shout at us cause then the attention would be away from her.

she'd lock herself in her room for hours and then come out and say 'no one cares about me'

she'd say 'no relative calls me.'
and if we said 'why dont u call someone.'
she'd say 'it's their duty'

she'd say she'd soon commit suicide or leave the house. it's like she was expecting us to tell her 'no please dont kill urself. we are there for you.'

the way she would look at us, there was like a yearning for pity. like 'please feel sorry for me. that's all i want. without that i'm nothing.'

eventually we became indifferent to her complains. earlier when she used to cry in room we'd stand next to her, give her water.

later when she cried, we stopped caring. no attention. no matter how loudly she screamed(yeah she'd do that too), we just didnt care.

eventually she stopped screaming. one of her sisters got into depression, and would stay in house all day. caretaker didnt care about her. and it became clear to her that she isnt a saint as she thought of herself.

like she felt guilty for not looking after her sister but she couldnt do as lacked resources(intention, courage, money, willpower). and so caretaker started looking more after herself rather than wanting others to look after her



END OF BACK STORY

Warning: below comments are very preachy

What i suggest is perhaps ask your daughter if she'd like to live on her own. if you can afford that it'd be great. living alone would help her. dont give her any attention. sounds harsh but dont feed to her needs of pity.

maybe ask her if she'd like to help you around the house chores. like wash utensils or stuff. i'd love to wash utensils for the caretaker but she never let us. and instead would cry to her sisters as to how sad life she lives.

you live ur own life. like grow plants, exercise, read books, get back with some friends if you can. example is better than precept.

dont tell ur daughter that she has to 'get over' stuff, show her how to handle life.

my caretaker was a preacher who'd herself cry and tell us to be happy.
n if we told her to be happy n call her friends.
she'd say, 'my time has gone. i'm old now.'

maybe you can go for a solo trip for a few days so she can be alone at the house.

not judging anyone here but,
chances are she may blame you for her life's condition and blame you for the rest of her life. my mom blames her parents. i blame my mom. it's like a cycle.

i dont think there's one particular thing you can do that will untangle all knots. but maybe eventually with enough life experience she'd realize that it's a tough world and no parent is perfect.

I'm so sorry My son was suicidal for awhile and it was the worst time of my life. I never knew when I'd walk in and ....well...I felt so helpless! Seeing our children in pain in the most painful thing in existence! I did a lot of praying. He is doing better now than what he was, but he seems to have an addictive personality with alcohol and he just keeps drinking. He refuses to see a psychologist. Then I start thinking it's my fault and that if I'd done this or that differently while he was growing up. And then I start thinking fragmentented from stress and get dissociated....and I'm so sorry. Prayer has been my strength.

Thanks for your words of support Silkysandpaper - how old is your son now? I have been told my daughter will likely calm down a lot by age 20, but that is 4 years to wait! Sometimes I really do not know what to do to help her. I don't really blame myself because even she says she has a great family and no real reason for it - of course its her bpd brain that causes it. When she swallowed ammonia last year, the doctor thought she was being sexually/physically abused at home and she she reassured him that no she has a great family.

I don't envy your position, TripleMoon. I don't have anything to offer besides what has already been said. To make things worse, to even mention suicide can make her situation worse because she could be 5150'd or given a Q5 mental status and institutionalized by authorities until deemed stable enough for release, so the person in question has no motivation to come forward if the intent to self harm is genuine.

I wish you luck.

18-19

Thanks Starvin Marvin - your kind words of support are really nice to hear

My daughter is starting a new program that lasts 4 months that will have a 12 week emotion regulation group and a psychiatrist, on OT a mental health nurse etc. so I am hoping that she will finally get the help she needs from this new program. We met with them on Monday and they were so nice that she is actually excited to start.