Apology to my BPD date.

Ok here's the thing: my relationship history is well- no better word to describe it- chaotic.
To me, it's simple and I know it now: Love interests = MAJOR TRIGGERS. No matter how hard I try, it makes me spiral down to freaking hell as soon as I start liking someone. Anyway, I've decided that, until I am able to manage better, I'd rather be alone and concentrate on myself and on my studies (which cause me enough stress).

Thing is, I always thought the solution was to find someone like me, someone who can relate and who would understand what I go through. I never truly believed it would happen... until a few weeks ago.

I was at a party and there was this friend of a friend (we'll call him L). We'd met before but never really talked. He was handsome, witty, charming, smart and we immediately connected. My friend had told me before that L had gone through a really bad time a few years ago but that he was better now. He took a bunch of pills and was hospitalized. I didn't look further into it though.

Anyway, we exchanged numbers, and I agreed to go on a date with him. We went to this little bar and it went great. We got along so well. After we had a few drinks we went for a walk, it was about 2 or 3 am and the streets were empty. We talked. He told me that he didn't want to hide or lie to anyone, especially to a girl he likes and gets along with so well, and would rather be honest right away.
So he told he had anxiety and was on meds for it, and also that he had BPD. He told me he tried to kill himself. I felt like throwing up, even though I knew all of this before he told me anything.

I waited a while and then pretended I was too drunk and tired and that I wanted to go home. He texted me the next day asking if I was ok and that he enjoyed our date. I wanted to say I had a great night and enjoyed his company as well but I just couldn't bring myself to answer. I never replied and never talked to him again even though he texted me a few times. I've sent those same texts before. I know how confused and bad he felt.

I feel so disgusted with myself and such a hypocrite. I did to him exactly what I think would wreck me if someone did it to me. He doesn't know I have BPD. In fact, no one does. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be this honest about something so personal. He was brave and I was just a coward. I could've tried to explain or at least reply to his text. I know what it feels like to be ignored. But I couldn't bring myself to lie and invent some stupid excuse. And I couldn't tell him the truth either.

So I'll just say it here. I'm sorry L. I'm sorry for being such a terrible person. I'm sorry if you felt bad because of me. I should have never gone to a date with you. I wish I had your courage but I don't. It's been my secret for years and I'm so scared of letting anyone find out and I know you would have eventually. I can admit it here because I'm hiding behind a screen. I did like you. I wasn't pretending. I wish I had told you that I get it, I wish I had told you that I've also tried to kill myself once and that it's ok, that you're not a freak. Instead I made you feel like one by running away without giving an explanation. I guess I do deserve being with assholes that'll never have feelings for me...
So if by chance you are reading this or even if you can relate, I am sorry, it wasn't your fault.

So your terrified, but do you really want to go your whole life without letting anyone in?

Oh. I'm really sorry for you...
I'm going through something similar. Not letting anyone again in my life. I run the second I feel someone might have the slightest romantic/sexual interest in me. Despite having this urge to bite somebody, to scratch his skin, to lick it. I just turn any possibility down. (For me, it's not only BPD, but some serious trouble which started 3 yrs ago).

I thought of that, too, that things between 2 pwBPD should go ok. But it's usually worse than the average interpersonal relationship a pwBPD has. Argh.. Despite having similar problems, they lack the insight.

Well the fact that you disappeared so quickly if you aren't ready for a relationship is good - he likely told you about his BPD to see if you would run and hopefully he is self aware and in treatment and will find someone more willing to accept him as is.

I can tell you that having married my BPD ex and later finding out about both of our diagnoses years later after divorcing, you would have pushed all of each other's buttons big time and it would have been really hard to have a calm and stable relationship together. I used to think my ex and I only had our tempers in common.

My fiance and I are complete opposites and he is usually very calm and level headed and if I get agitated about something, he will back down and do what he can to help me feel better about whatever it was that I was getting upset about.

2 BPDs are just too passionate together - from my experience.

I don't know what to say about that situation. I'm a too much of a romantic to keep calm.


HOWEVER - I don't think that anybody who has any mental problems/issues/illness [whatever] and IS aware of that at the beginning of a relationship - is just obligated to tell the other person about it.

Any other way - it's just lying and deceiving the other person. In my opinion - there is no excuse for that.