Jealously preventing any type of mutual friendships

Hello all,

My boyfriend of 7+ years is diagnosed with BPD (not currently in therapy). We have an issue where we can never have mutual friends because he will get very jealous not only of me hanging out with the friend, but also the friend hanging out with me. He will see it as a competition of who the friend likes better. He is self-aware enough to realize this is the case and freely admits it. We recently have encountered the chance to have a mutual friend, but he is saying "it won't work out, because I know how I am". To be honest, there is some truth to his statement...he actually ended up hospitalized in a nervous breakdown type situation a few years ago over mutual friend jealously. The fact we are a gay couple and this is another gay male admittedly probably makes the potential volatility of the situation worse.

I am trying to have empathy but I am admittedly frustrated, because from my viewpoint it seems so "high school" to have this type of mindset. My BF is very good to me, but I hate that we will have to go through life never having mutual friends because his jealously just doesn't allow it. He realizes it's irrational I think, but still can't seem to help how he feels towards it. He keeps saying how the guy is really nice but it's a "shame" it won't work out. Furthermore if I pursue a friendship without him I know that will still make him feel very jealous. On some level I feel like just throwing a potential friendship away is only enabling his really irrational behavior towards the topic as a whole. I think having to basically call dibs on whose friend is whose then excluding oneself from the entire friendship is robbing him of a chance to have "couple friends" like most couples tend to have. I see this potentially going bad, because this potential new friend is still very social to my BF and myself. On some level I think he wishes I would back off and let him "have" the friendship, but I will not be manipulated (for lack of a better term) in that fashion. Yes my boyfriend admits his jealously is extreme and unhealthy. However my bf does not seem to have any hope that there is any way for him NOT to feel the way he feels even while admitting it is irrational.

Can anyone provide some advice or insight?

I used to get very jealous when i saw my friends hanging out with others. it made me feel left out.

i realize its like i have the emotional mind of a child. just as a child wants absolute attention from parents, i want absolute attention from my friends. i dont do well in groups.

but now i've realized that i cant have attention all the time. although it took a lot of time.

now i actually enjoy chatting in group watsapp groups than in solo.

As the previous commentor validated, this seems like a high-school mindset because it is indeed a childish demand, though I'd say more like a young child than a teenager. I am glad you do not want to be manipulated but make sure you actually abide by that rather than just saying it. The fact that your boyfriend nonchalantly stated, "... it's a "shame" it won't work out" as if it's implied that he just makes these decisions without your input worried me. As a former Borderline who knows what it feels like and has somehow grown past it to tell the tale, I can tell you pathological jealousy is very strong in Borderlines and it may be the most dangerous trait as it mirrors that seen in more dangerous PDs (like narcissism and even aspd). If he's in counseling he should be, and YOU should be to help you deal with this behavior as it is very limiting to you and will only get worse with time if he is not actively working on changing his perception of others and himself in cognitive behavioral therapy or DBT. It is very possible to change, it just takes work and time, and for both his and your sake he should be working to make that happen.

I suffer from the same problem, however the difference is I don't try and limit my boyfriend's life because of it. However, I may ask him to text me more frequently than normal, or to give me a time for when he will be home. If he can't make it home by that time, he'll send me a text or give me a quick call. As long as he keeps communication with me, it tends to lessen my anxiety and paranoia because it shows he cares about my mind-set. Maybe you and your boyfriend can find a middle ground like we did?

My boyfriend has definitely dealt with my severe jealousy prior to this agreement, though. I've definitely lost my cool more than once, and it's been messy. However, I've never lost sight of the fact that as people, we need our own friends and our own personal time. If he didn't give me MY personal time with MY friends, I would feel "trapped".
So it's definitely okay to work around his BPD, but he absolutely should not just "give in" to it and limit the happiness in your life. That's just selfish!

Hope everything works out. A solid sit-down conversation is usually enough to get my boyfriend and I on the same page.

Brokenmediocrity wrote:... I am glad you do not want to be manipulated but make sure you actually abide by that rather than just saying it. The fact that your boyfriend nonchalantly stated, "... it's a "shame" it won't work out" as if it's implied that he just makes these decisions without your input worried me.

I mean he says it is a "shame" in regards it won't work out for us all three being friends. He says that I can hang out with him and stuff, but he says that stuff clearly very begrudgingly. Like he won't "not allow it" or something like that...but it's pretty obvious he would be made very jealous and uncomfortable by it. When he says things like "I hope you guys have a really good friendship", it really comes off super passive aggressive whether he means it to or not. I am sympathetic to my BF because he on so many levels is amazing but situations like this REALLY frustrate me. I feel like I am in a no-win because of his irrational behavior. I hang out, he gets moody about it. Or I don't hang out and lose a potential friend over tip toeing around his weird jealously. On one hand he says he is going to let me (and only me) just be friends with this person, but on the other hand he still continues to communicate with him. So maddening. If he doesn't want to be friends with him since I am, I see that as his choice but is it wrong of me to get pissy that he will definitely be upset if I hang out with this person? Is it okay for me to be upset he is being an irrational child about it even knowing it is heavily BPD related?

paintedblack wrote: Is it okay for me to be upset he is being an irrational child about it even knowing it is heavily BPD related?

I only got diagnosed with BPD a month ago but what I've said to my friends is 'BPD is a reason for what I do, not an excuse'. Meaning I know now why I get jealous over my friend having other friends, for example. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to say to her 'I get jealous when you have other friends. This is my BPD and it's not my fault so please don't have any other friends'.

In other words, yes it's fair enough that you are upset by it. It must be hard for him and you can sympathise but it sounds like he knows, like I do, that some of our feelings are not logical. It's hard, but we need to try and challenge them and stopping other people doing things isn't fair.