Caring about people

Sometimes I feel like I care about people too much and sometimes I feel I don't care at all. Is this an example of black and white thinking and is it common in BPD?

For example, sometimes a friend will have problems or be ill and I worry about them all the time and think maybe it's my fault and get mad at myself. But sometimes a friend will say they have a problem of aren't well and I'll feel jealous and angry at them because I want to be the one who has the problems and I want them to be fine so they can give me all their attention.

I do find I have to force myself sometimes to ask how people are because I don't want to talk about them I want to talk about me.

whenever i start a conversation with an old friend, i always add a monologue as to how many regrets i have n how many issues i have...

i think its okay to want to be asked if we're all right. some attention is okay.

once i chatted with a friend n i was about to talk about my problem when he said his father was operated. n i felt ashamed for whining to him so i didnt talk of my issue.

its hard though to not talk about my problems. could be obsession.

I experience something like this, too, and I think it's part of that black-and-white thinking that comes with BPD.

It's worse with some people than with others, but often times I go through something like what you described, where one moment I'll be super worried about my friend and whatever they're going through and the next I just don't care, or I'll be angry that they're prioritizing their own issues over mine. I know it's unfair to them because they definitely have to take care of their own well-being first and foremost, but unfortunately, that sort of problematic thinking is way too common with a disorder like this.

I think the main thing is being able to manage those emotions, even if you can't control when they pop up. I'm constantly reminding myself that it's not a competition and that my friends can have problems, too, and even if I don't feel as worried as I should I try to be there for them. If it comes down to it, I know when to take a step back, too. It's impossible to be there for someone 100% of the time, and sometimes you'll do more harm than good by trying to support someone when you're in a bad mindframe yourself. In those situations, I try to be honest with the person and tell them that I care about them but I'm going through things, too, and I need to get my thoughts sorted out before I can be there for them properly. Often times they understand, and the situation works out all the better because of it.

Thanks, helpful suggestions.

I feel selfish because often all I want to talk about is myself. I guess this is normal with BPD?

kah80 wrote:
For example, sometimes a friend will have problems or be ill and I worry about them all the time and think maybe it's my fault and get mad at myself. But sometimes a friend will say they have a problem of aren't well and I'll feel jealous and angry at them because I want to be the one who has the problems and I want them to be fine so they can give me all their attention.

To me, it sounds like maybe both can be rooted in thinking and caring about yourself. Because even the first one is about you, technically. I am not trying to be mean, after all BPD is a mental illness, not mere selfishness. It is human to be completely self absorbed when you are experiencing the level of pain pwBPD does.

That being said I don't know you, but from the examples you gave it doesn't to me sound necessarily different from each other.

It's a bit different in my case. I leave the talking part to them. I don't like talking about myself, I am afraid of being perceived as boring. The problem is I don't genuinely care about them, even though it may seem like I do. I do the listening part, try to cheer them up, to make them laugh, do them favours, lend them money (sometimes they don't give it back), cook for them and so on. But I don't care, I don't connect. I can't. I wish I could, sometimes I feel lonely, I wish I had someone to hug and cry my eyes out, but I can't. I like to think I am a part of someone 's life, that I am not alone. I don't want them to abandon me, I like them being around.

Erato wrote:It's a bit different in my case. I leave the talking part to them. I don't like talking about myself, I am afraid of being perceived as boring. The problem is I don't genuinely care about them, even though it may seem like I do. I do the listening part, try to cheer them up, to make them laugh, do them favours, lend them money (sometimes they don't give it back), cook for them and so on. But I don't care, I don't connect. I can't. I wish I could, sometimes I feel lonely, I wish I had someone to hug and cry my eyes out, but I can't. I like to think I am a part of someone 's life, that I am not alone. I don't want them to abandon me, I like them being around.

It's funny isn't it how two people with the same fear can act so differently. We both fear being abandoned. But you avoid talking about yourself because you're worried it will drive people away and I almost talk about nothing but myself, worrying that without that attention my friends will forget about me and abandon me.

kah80 wrote:It's funny isn't it how two people with the same fear can act so differently. We both fear being abandoned. But you avoid talking about yourself because you're worried it will drive people away and I almost talk about nothing but myself, worrying that without that attention my friends will forget about me and abandon me.

It is very interesting. I have felt for a while that people with BPD and NPD have a very strong fear of abandonment. We both are driven by this fear. We just do things different. With NPD we tackle our fear of abandonment by never allowing ourselves to get attached. We cant get hurt if we never liked someone right? We go to great lengths to make sure we stay detached. Sometimes we start to feel that attachment and push them away. That's one of the reasons we devalue. Not the only reason though. We triangulate or get as many people around us as we can so that we never feel lonely if one person alone leaves us.

It seems we both suffer from two different and polarizing extremes.

i think i want to be evil selfish and uncaring ,to not give a ###$ and is impossible to do it.i just can't do it.
i like people but i hate people but i like people but i hate people

--trigger--

imho borderlines cant care about annyone because they need supply (validation) and it's like a drug
the drugs is Always the most importend

2nd way empthy is compromised is fear and paranoya (selfprotection and survival kicks into gear and the only thing that matter is the safety of that person)