Im a 30 year old male living in London. Not really sure where to start from here but i'll give it a shot.
I've always had issues with identity throughout my life. I've never really known what I like and don't like clearly but at the same time I had a strong sense of right and wrong. When I was a young kid I would spend time at social engagements (family parties and get-togethers) analysing people, watching conversations between people and wondering why they act the way they do.
I felt like a machine on the inside, cold and calculated but if you were to speak to me you wouldn't have noticed any of that. I would watch a conversation between 2 people and pick up on subtle changes in body language and emotions.
I had a lot of friends when growing up through school. I felt as though I could socialize with any typical group of people with ease, always trying to make everyone laugh. If i talk to someone for a while I can feel myself beginnning to take on parts of their personality. Things that they would like, i would like to but only until i met the next person. It never felt like i had much control over this and it happens automatically.
When my friends started to show interest in the girls at school I couldn't really understand. I was worried that my friends would abandon me and any friendship we had would be replaced. I never really found anyone attractive and wasn't interested in being in a relationship with someone. My friends would ask "do you think this girl hot?" and i'd say "sure!" but i didnt feel anything.
I had a friend online who was gay and he asked if I wanted to be his partner and I said yes. I figured that I must be gay and that's why I never really looked at girls in that way but the truth is I never looked at boys in that way either but I chose to ignore that and believe what I wanted.
I would travel half way up the country and spend 2 or so weeks at a time at his families house. I would try to get him to spend as much time with me in the bedroom as possible because when I was around his family it felt like I had to be someone else, say all the right things and be someone they liked. I would act like a completely different person that didn't really reflect what i'm usually like.
After a while I started to lose trust in him and accused him of cheating on me whilst I was back home. I became more and more suspicious and showed less and less love towards him. Eventually I found out that he had seen someone else, probably because I had pushed him away and distanced myself emotionally from him.
That evening I tried strangling myself (dramatic, I know), he stopped me and his family took me out bowling to lighten the mood which was painfully embarrassing.
Eventually I told him I couldn't trust him and broke the whole thing off which he didn't take well and was very upset about.
At some point during this relationship he told me he wanted to be a woman. It felt like he was slipping away and that this was something that I couldn't be a part of. I thought I want to be woman too and was too transgender. Looking back on it now it seems hard to believe but at the time I believed it felt right. Its as though my idea of myself can change on whim.
After this relationship I slept with whoever wanted to sleep with me. I never instigated or asked anyone but I always said yes if someone was interested in me. It's like sex has no value and I was doing other people a favor and they wouldn't like me if I said no.
I slept with both boys and girls the same which was very confusing because I was still telling myself that i'm gay.
Eventually I met a boy at a party. At the time I was feeling very lonely and asked him if he wanted to get together with me. I didn't find him attractive, just like I didn't see anyone as attractive, but I felt like I couldn't be in a normal relationship. It had to be with someone who was completely non-judgemental and easy going and thats all i needed.
He had a low interest in sex which was ideal for me as it meant he wouldn't cheat on me with someone else but that never stopped me from accusing him when he went to parties by himself. Eventually I began to devalue him and broke up with him and started seeing my female friend who had also recently broke up with her boyfriend.
She found it hard to believe that I was straight but I told her that I never found men attractive. The truth is I never really found woman attractive either but I believed that i must be straight. It had always been about finding the right personality that would accept me.
We moved in together and shared a house with another couple who we were good friends with. Everything started off great but soon a familiar pattern started to emerge. I convinced her to spend more time in the bedroom with me as it meant I didn't have to try and act as straight as possible in front of my friends who had previously thought I was gay.
It felt like I was under so much pressure to act a certain way but I knew my mind worked differently in some way. After a while I began accusing her of cheating on me and began holding back any feelings of love, like I had done in previous relationships.
It was around this time that I started to realise something was wrong with me and looked on the internet for answers. I found out about bpd and it was like reading about my life. She soon started to resent me as I was putting up a an emotional wall between us and the relationship grew worse and worse.
One day I woke up and felt as though I didn't know who I was anymore. I sat on the edge of the bed unable to think or act, I couldn't remember who I was supposed to be anymore or what I was supposed to do. I just sat there not knowing what i'm supposed to do, trapped in the confines of the bedroom.
I went to see my doctor that evening and told her that I think that I might have bpd. She made an appointment with a shrink for an evaluation but I never turned up.
I told my girlfriend that I didn't trust her and that I think something is wrong with me and broke up with her which wasn't easy for her to understand and upsetting for her.
Over the last 4 years since then I have become a recluse, drinking and smoking too much to numb the thoughts of the friends and family I have pushed away. Where I was able to blend in and get along with anyone, I now shut down and feel empty inside, unable to act like everyone wants me to act.
Friends I had known since school I haven't seen for years because I don't feel like myself anymore.
My personality was always defined by whoever I was with at the time. If I were in a room full of people it would be exhausting because i'm trying to juggle everyone and developing these different personalities that I think people will respond better to and like me more. It doesn't feel like I have control over this and it just happens automatically but when i'm alone I feel empty, like a machine waiting for inputs.
Im at a point where I can't get in to a relationship because I don't know if i'm gay/straight/bi. It just depends on what people want me to be and I can fill in the blanks and be whatever but eventually everything will crumble down because I can't keep up the illusion forever and this isn't something you can easily explain to someone you meet.
I haven't been able to build any sort of career as I have no sense of direction or goal.
I've mostly spoken about the identity issues and I could tell alot more but ive said too much already
hopefully someone might be able to identify and remind me that i'm not the only person who feels this lost and easily abandoned.
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