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I have borderline personality disorder and am in desperate need of support and guidance, My life is a mess, I have difficulty maintaining employment (despite having a graduate degree) maintaining relationships and keeping friends. My mother is NPD and dad a sociopath so little support there. I have screwed up my life to the point I am alone. I even joined a church out of desperation but had one episode too many I guess and people no longer want to associate with me or be my friend. Is there anyone out there I can talk to? I feel very isolated and alone

Msanthrope wrote:Is there anyone out there I can talk to?

We're all listening

Say whatever's on your mind. Are you seeing a therapist, support group, or something of that nature? They're out there, any time. I understand the feeling of being isolated and not having anyone you can truly call a friend, or not having them at all. I understand because I can barely remember knowing the opposite. But as long as you're not like me and are "on the lookout," you'll most likely find at least one person who you can really call a friend.

Thank you so much! I am not seeing a therapist. I have never found them to be very useful. The support group I was attending was at the church (yeah, again I was desperate). I met a girl there who was a recovering addict. I felt for her as a single mom and tried to be her friend. I was invited over twice then she spent the next few months doing push-pull and making (then bailing) on plans. In retrospect I should have ran but felt empathy as I suspected she was also bpd. I was a good friend in every sense of the word (stupid me) gave generously and..to make a long story short...got painted black and smeared to the entire place. She convinced people I was a liar and told everyone about my mental illness so now no one wants to associate with me. This was difficult considering I landed here out of desperation after years of abuse (then discard) from an NPD ex. My support group was church, now I have nothing once again. I can barely get out of bed now knowing people are afraid of me. She portrayed herself as the victim, of course, so despite numerous apologies on my part no one will extend forgiveness "because I lied about and said hurtful things" about this girl (who seems to have calculated this out and is enjoying it). I think I just met my first sociopath....And people call us sick?

Any ideas how to fix it? Do i just have to run away and start over somewhere new yet again? Frustrated. I just want to belong somewhere and be normal....

Hi Msanthrope and welcome
Sorry to hear what happened, yes its very hard to understand(in our minds) when its reversed on us. (been there myself)

Yes (we/some) are people pleasers,savors and such (you wanted to help her) and that was a great thing to do no matter how it turned out (dont doubt your intentions) ..you didnt nothing wrong (caring human is what i see from what youve explained so far at least) some of us need to feel needed (i do) i function better when i feel needed ..is this same for you?

As far has you running away to start again, i say hell no ..you haven't done anything wrong so why retreat?

(i could have retreated when my ex did this to me, but i stayed in the same area and told "my side" to anyone that needed to know. and thank fully yes there are 2 sides to each story..there are to thought processes at play here too, so you have to allow your side to be heard too.

I think I just met my first sociopath....And people call us sick?

Yes maybe but we cant Diagnose here...we can only support and hear your side.

Your not alone here you will gain some valuable insight and your mind will be filled with things you never thought of before (an aha moment) we have all had them at some point. and it does help to gain some understanding of how you move on from this extreme experience

Side note:
We have many pwPD here on site and they do lend a hand in hearing from the "other side" so it gives as balance, the thing we do here is "mingle" everyone has their own story to tell. so the reason i say this is ...you might get people commenting from "their experience" so dont let that worry you ok...its very helpful to gain insight no matter how.

the members here know that they must show respect to each persons situation so ...dont be put off by some comments ...we are here to help where we can

I was called out for "lying" on two separate occasions… The first involved Thanksgiving: I had nowhere to go I was invited to have dinner with the girl and another friend. Someone else then invited me and she found out about it. I saw signs of being split black at this point and didn't want to go; a promise is a promise, however. I had to honor the commitment. I did tell the girl, however, that I couldn't stay long. She called back and began screaming (on speakerphone at the other girl''s house) ?that I was being dishonest and "withholding" something. I guess I was but the truth in this instance would have hurt her feelings (and being bpd sometimes our feelings aren't always facts, so why go there?). She then said "we invited you with the assumption you had nowhere to go". I replied "I thought you invited me because I was your friend first" and felt offended. I was then told I had a sick mind and twisted things and the two began to rip into me. ....I ended up in tears and apologizing...for hours.

The second instance involved when I asked (and received no response) from the addict about being my sponsor. I then told her I was going to ask the other girl… She waited until a few weeks after and then went and asked the girl herself to be HERS (she already has one). The girl said " well can you be a sponsor to two people at once?" Msanthrope asked me first...the addict then lied and i said I asked her weeks ago (and she accepted). This made the second girl angry I had again lied, because i told her I never asked this person (when I in fact,did). But I explained I got turned down and did not mean this maliciously...I just did not want her to think she was sloppy seconds. I was told a lie is a lie no matter and both friendships were cut off. I was also forced to find another ride to the airport (was going home to visit for holidays). Both of them now say i am deceitful and no mercy would be given. Someone else who then stepped up to be my sponsor and also now refuses to talk to me...even the pastor's wife turned me down. That's 5 now I feel like a monster.

I apologized and repented repeatedly ....I don't see this as being a major issue? Is it? When told to repent again for my lying ways to the addict I had a meltdown .....why am I a "liar" but it's ok okay push pull with my feelings then make (and then break/run away) from plans for months knowing how much it hurts me? I was told by the girl "that's just how I roll I can't stop doing that sorry if you can't handle it we can't be friends" and the others agreed. I also flipped out it wasn't right her spreading her "concern" to others in the church about my mental I'llness

Was I in the wrong here? Why do people think just because we are borderline that we aren't human? Not trying to play victim here I accept responsibility lying is wrong but Jesus (no pun intended) should I be crucified for it ?

Indeed one of my triggers is lying
but i have learnt that sometimes people lie to protect other person/or to protect themselves either way is has a reason...being honest about "the lie" is what is important if you look at it differently.

Some borderlines lie (i don't not really) white lies , "protective lies" is different that huge whopper lies like lying about stealing or something illegal, but to the other person it can be just as big "too them" despite the reason why the lie was used. (validate that)
its in the explanation of "why" what counts (imo)

I just did not want her to think she was sloppy seconds. I was told a lie is a lie no matter and both friendships were cut off.

To some, forgiveness is hard (for me too) but forgiveness is possible. i can forgive a lie if explained honestly why they did it. which you did.

Was I in the wrong here? Why do people think just because we are borderline that we aren't human? Not trying to play victim here I accept responsibility lying is wrong but Jesus (no pun intended) should I be crucified for it ?

It is good that you take responsibility for your lie and explained it too. now its up to them to forgive. if they cant ...then thats their issue not yours ..but i would try not to lie and see if you gain some insight you being open..yes protective lies back fire ..it is worth it ?

No they aren't worth it...but the "truth" would have been hurtful too? I can't win. I also can't stop beating myself up for this. A day after it all happened I told the one friend I would step aside so I didn't cause problems between her and the addict...she said I ended the friendship. I felt bad afterward and tried to apologize explaining I overreacted and was sorry and was told to stop manipulating . Since then silence.

If someone was really my friend, would they be pushed away that quickly? I think I have been smeared worse than I realize ...

I told the one friend I would step aside so I didn't cause problems between her and the addict

Sometimes our words are taken "to literal" with a BPD emotional mind ..our feelings can change from one moment to the next so we dont mean things "permanently" (we know this) but they dont ..its the lack of understanding on their part (imo)

And yes we get the worst end of the stick always thats for sure

Edit to add more
And its so annoying that others see ALL pwBPD as manipulative, that irritates the crap out of me
(just so you know, its not just you that feels it) many of us feel irritated coz of it

The second girl also got angry I sent her husband a private message on facebook asking for their address. I had been there a few times before and he was a facebook friend. I wanted to send a Christmas card with a donation for the homeless charity they run. She also called me on the carpet for this, saying it was inappropriate to pm a married man (for any reason). I am socially clueless I did not realize I did something wrong, but apologized profusely. She said she forgave me for that but started ripping into me again for hurting the addict. I got overwhelmed and defriended her (running is a problem, I admit this and sincerely want help) Since then I have gotten fake fb requests from "married" men.

Not once in the past few months was an apology ever expressed to ME...am I truly a monster? How do you make peace (with yourself) knowing you screwed up again?

am I truly a monster? How do you make peace (with yourself) knowing you screwed up again?

It takeS work, but we learn..
you know like you wake up one morning and have a
well self realization is like that ..i didnt realize for years i had issues (EVERYONE ELSE DID)

then i went through the most traumatic experience re an ex then some things were pointed out at me. ignored them for a while then my moment came "hmm" maybe i wasnt 100% blameless...then you begin to see some things are changeable (with the help of DBT)