In the past few weeks and months, I increasingly became extremely confused about my gender identity (I am biologically a male) and also about my sexual orientation (more on that later). Before I try dissecting the link between such a confusion and my mental illnesses, I will elaborate on both my gender identity and orientation. At 'my best knowledge and healthiest me', I believe I am a male (like I have always been) and I am generally attracted to females. However and here starts the confusion which is still grounded in a healthy version of myself, I don't think of myself as a 'regular male', but more like a 'female male' or at least an atypical male. Here are the reasons why I think I am not a male (don't want to say 'transgender' in order not to increase the confusion):
I hate regular guys stuff such as cars, muscles, short hair, cursing, sex talk, etc... I also hate the 'male gender' in a sense like I feel different (and sometimes disgusted) when being near them. Although I don't do 'apparent' female gestures, I have mid-back long hair and a skinny body. I always wanted to have long hair from my early teens, it was like a 'cool' thing to do. Later on, my reason changed to reflect my musical style and life approach (metal baby!) but, as of late years and deep down inside, I love it because it really makes me more feminine and separate me from males. I am taking a balding medication and I am even ready to take female hormones to preserve my hair! The only thing I share with men is my love for beards as I have always been bearded. However, now I think of it as a social defense mechanism like: 'oh look at that guy who looks like a girl', me turns my face, 'nahhh he has a long thick beard, he can't be "gay"' (here used as an offensive word to reflect my 4th world society - no disrespect intended). I would like to try a cleaner look and always wear my hair down to appear more feminine but I will have the aforementioned anxiety of appearing 'girly' in front of people in a traditional society.
I remember when I was a child feeling 'as a girl' and happy when I once wore a jeans styled like a girly one. In particular and during my late teens, I had a dream that I grew small boobs. The next day, I felt really happy and more feminine than ever. Right now, I love cross-dressing and wearing lingerie. When dressed in such stuff, I usually admire my body in front of the mirror and say that I can be a beautiful girl. Luckily, I have a skinny body so my body can 'pass' (minus the beard). Whenever I see an attractive girl down the street, I'd feel sad and depressed because 'I wanna be like her'; have boobs, an attractive body and a healthier hair. I was mistaken for a female (due to my hair) in a few incidents, I loved such situations and continue to do so.
How I feel towards my own body: I really don't hate my penis in the way that is often described by transgenders. However and despite having a slightly below average penis size, I wish I can decrease it even more to have a micropenis because it will simply make me feel more feminine. I sometimes pass through hard and sad times because I want to have a smaller one. This brings me to my next point: sexual orientation.
Let me put it in this way (and this is triggering for me): I love females (both emotionally and physically) and my body (i.e. penis) tells me that I will enjoy penetrating them but my mind doesn't like the fact that I will be a top. I am not. I don't like to be the dominant partner. I want to be the recipient and the submissive/passive partner. Now, I don't consider myself to be attracted to males but I also love penises. This is what confuses me. I would never imagine myself in an emotional relationship with a male and even a physical one is not appealing to me, except for the penis. That leaves me to transwomen (or very attractive cross-dressers) who like to use their penises. Porn-related material of transwomen is my primary passion (which surpassed genetic girls a long time ago despite continuing viewing porn related to genetic girls anyway). I am still a virgin because if I wanna have sex, I want to do all the possible stuff which triggers my extreme OCD and fear of diseases. Also, I will 'lose my innocence' and become 'immoral' if I do it (yes, that's what I think thanks to my extreme moral scrupulosity and perfectionism. I am not religious at all, mind you).
Now here are my reasons why I think all of the above is invalid and I am just passing through an extreme mental illness episode and I require treatment as soon as possible:
From an OCD perspective and although I enjoy my feminine thoughts and feelings, it can be argued that my thoughts are an extension of Harm OCD, HOCD, etc... by saying that I continuously obsess over the idea, ask strangers on the Internet and reading other posts about this particular topic. I know I can never trust my thoughts because they aren't often real, especially when they are OCD-induced. However, what isn't common with TOCD folks is the fact that I enjoy my feminine persona and I don't hate it and I don't 'wish if I can get back to my real pure male persona'. Last year however, I had an intense anxiety and fear of 'growing boobs' because the medication I take has such a side effect. But now, I desire this side effect if I can hide it.
The next reason which is my ultimate fear (if it's true): borderline personality disorder. It is known that a confusion of identity, values, goals, career, etc... is a core BPD symptom. Why not a gender identity and sexual orientation confusion as well? I still haven't researched experiences of BPD sufferers with similar issues but I just can feel like my deep confusion stems from this core BPD symptom of mine.
Porn addiction: my worst enemy. Problem is, I really can't take a break to 'sort my thoughts and feelings out' as I am too addicted. As with most porn sufferers, I progressed from regular, normal, casual porn materials into more extreme stuff and almost all kind of fetishes through the years. Why not transsexual porn, in addition to my other fetishes such as being submissive and loving penises, is just porn-induced and I may feel healthier and 'more male' again once I get an appropriate treatment and abstain from viewing such materials?
Thank you for reading and for providing any feedback.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed