FP is An Aspie and They Trigger me: Help!

My favorite person has Asperger's and to be so soft and cuddly, they can also be VERY INSENSITIVE.

I've been involved with this FP for about two years now, we dated for a spell before I finally realized that they are not what I am looking for romantically. Not only that, but I recognized my inability to really foster and support a healthy romantic relationship so for the time being I am letting those go. No dating, no relationships. Just friends.

My FP has experienced trauma of their own, trauma that molded them into a caretaker archetype I think. Despite having broken up, we still support each other and I am at their house often. I should also say that I show traits of co-dependency, which have also been acknowledged, but my home life is topsy turvy right now which has allowed me the excuse of spending a bit more time at their house than I usually would... and I think they also struggle with co-dependency, and I mean that in the way of them not feeling alive or useful unless being there for someone else. This has created a dangerous pattern in their past relationships, one that I am increasingly aware of.

One of my triggers is germs and the unknown world of germs. My aunt, who raised me, was particularly shaming here and would often accuse me of being gross if I didn't shower daily and this worsened as I was learning about my menstrual cycle and how to take care of myself. Fast forward to about a week ago when my FP moved into a new apartment, a space of their own after having lived with roommates for the past couple years. The previous tenet left behind all their furniture, including a pretty nice full mattress that FP decided to put on top of their own mattress. Well, I guess I missed the HUGE stain on this mattress before it was put down, because I saw it for the first time last night as we were switching out the mattresses due to an awful dip on one side. But when I saw this ugly, reddish brown stain I instantly froze up. I couldn't readily identify what this stain was and my mind started to race with thoughts of a murder, or even of someone having an accident in bed one day and being unable to clean it up. Either way, this mattress had the ugliest grossest stain on the other side of it and I wanted no parts. I backed away from the bed and stared fixedly, refusing to lay down on it. My FP, not understanding how much I was triggered I presume, oscillated between laughing at me and telling me that it wasn't a big deal. They said, "You've been sleeping on it this whole time but now that you see the stain you want to act all brand new." They were very exasperated with me, and when I motioned toward the other bed in the room (intending to sleep there instead), FP got very huffy and said something else while adding my whole first name to the end in a very curt tone.

FP invalidated me so much that I regressed. I instantly shifted back to being a child because like my aunt, FP had told me (once again) that what I was feeling wasn't that serious and that I needed to get over it and lay down. This is a hUGE trigger for me. I felt like I wasn't being heard and like all of the air was completely sucked out of the room. I stood there feet away from the bed in a trance of sorts, not only afraid of the stain but also of the tone of voice that FP used and the harshness of their words. After looking longingly at the other bed, which was covered in unpacked bags, I grudgingly went over to FP's bed and crawled in slowly like a child. I lay far from them and stared up at the ceiling; I was there but only barely. They laughed again, still not having understood what had just happened, and tried to cuddle up to me but I was like an ice block at that point, cold and unmoving. They said, "Oh, so now you're not my friend anymore?" I stared blankly at the ceiling, not having anything else to say having been so frightened and triggered. They got huffy AGAIN and turned over, making very exaggerated slow breathing sounds like I had just upset their entire night. I lay there sadly until I fell asleep and it's obviously still on my mind this am.

FP has moments like this very often..... and tone of voice is a huge trigger for me. They don't seem to be able to control their tone of voice, and I think that stems from the lack of empathy. They get VERY frustrated when I don't make sense to them and instantly sound harsh and matter of fact, which causes me to slip back into childhood as this is how my aunt treated me constantly. But it's so confusing and exhausting when this same person can be so cuddly and empathetic at other times...
When I experience times like these, I think about cutting them off altogether. I think, "Surely this is not worth me reacting to all the time like this. It can't be healthy. And I know they can't help it, but the insensitivity bothers me at LEAST once a day. As well as the self absorption, only wanting to talk about topics that interest them, always having to be right about EVERYTHING, like Jesus it's so very exhausting. Sometimes I have to hold my breath and count until the next time I think i'll be able to get a word in.....

Why am I doing this to myself? Do I feel guilty because they keep saying they can't help it? They say that I never let them say anything and I always take it the wrong way. But being able to say whatever you want doesn't mean that yr exempt from consequences! there are consequences when you've said something hurtful! there are consequences when yr tone of voice intimidates someone else, even when u don't mean it! I feel like it's hard for me to FEEL with my FP because they just don't understand it a lot of the time. I'm sad. I want to be understood. I want my fears to be met sensitively and without harshness. I don't hate them or Aspberger's, I just wish this wasn't so hard.

You accuse your "FP" of being insensitive, but did you try to look at the situation from their perspective? So you've noticed that there was a stain from menstrual blood on your mattress, and instead of dealing with it (for example trying to clean it or deciding to replace it) you just froze up, refused to say anything, and stared at the ceiling as if you were having flashbacks of Vietnam. Do you really think your FP's response was out of place? Because IMHO most people would be confused or amused by your reaction.

jerboa wrote:You accuse your "FP" of being insensitive, but did you try to look at the situation from their perspective? So you've noticed that there was a stain from menstrual blood on your mattress, and instead of dealing with it (for example trying to clean it or deciding to replace it) you just froze up, refused to say anything, and stared at the ceiling as if you were having flashbacks of Vietnam. Do you really think your FP's response was out of place? Because IMHO most people would be confused or amused by your reaction.

Initially I tried to and even after having a conversation about it, I tried to. Let me clarify a few things. I don't know what this stain was as the mattress was left behind from a previous tenet and we decided to keep it. As this was not my mattress, I had no interest in cleaning the stain, and it looked like someone had already tried and failed miserably. I remember having decided to keep the mattress earlier that week, but I don't remember it looking as bad as it did. When I saw it again the other night, it looked gross and it appeared to have left a stain on their *actual* mattress that they brought with them.

I stared at the ceiling after finally crawling *into* the bed. When they were chastising me for how silly I was being, I felt invalidated and completely ran over in conversation and I shut down. I split and really tried to get as far away from them in my head as possible. Confused by my reaction, sure. They were confused *and* amused, but they were amused because I appeared to be "irrational." I disagreed with them. I don't think my fear is irrational and I think after having explained that I was having a hard time, that one would have backed off but they didn't. Because I wasn't being logical, like most times, they completely mulled over my very anxious responses. I didn't think that was fair. They don't get to decide that something doesn't matter because it's "irrational" to them, and they do this often! I know that I have intense reactions to things but my emotions are still RATIONAL. There was a very real trigger there and I expected it to be respected and it was not.

shapeshifting wrote:There was a very real trigger there and I expected it to be respected and it was not.

What very real trigger? A stain on an old mattress? How do you manage to survive when you get triggered by about anything? You don't even seem to recognize that you have a problem.
[Mod edit]

Your language is a little too harsh for me and is an example of how I *don't* like to be talked to. Please don't call me crazy. Thank you..

[Mod edit]

@Jerboa

I have seen enough of your posts around the forum to know what kind of views you hold. Initially I just chose to ignore you because I have enough to deal with right now, but how about you muse over your own "craziness" before commenting on someone else's? It might just make you more sensitive and empathetic, and that could be pretty "crazy"

@OP
I haven't read the whole post yet but being "crazy" doesn't make you unlovable. It doesn't even have to define you. It's a wound, a scar, a ######6 OPEN wound, and being around insensitive people makes it worse. No amount of rationalizing helps. It feels callous and you want to shake them and ask them what the ###$ is wrong with you that you can't see my pain. And yes it's incredibly invalidating. I wish I had a magic solution to make it suddenly better, but remember this: you ARE safe. You ARE alive. In spite of the trigger, in spite of your friend not believing you and making you feel like you don't exist. Your feelings exist to YOU and you can take care of it.

Adding after I read the OP, I don't know much about Asperger's or your FP, but it might help to put yourself in their shoes? I mean, I think the trigger behind invalidation is possibly:

1) Not having your needs met. Yes, it feels "evil" when the person doesn't understand how you feel

BUT

you also said this person is nice to you at other times so either they care about you or they don't. Maybe they are just reacting by laughing because it's awkward? It COULD be funny to them because it feels "strange" (isn't that how humor works?).

So what I am trying to say is that they don't understand your inner emotional turmoil but that doesn't mean they have negative intent. And you don't need your FP or another person to see your emotions to know that they are real and they exist. It happened, it's a FACT, just as much as a glass falling on the floor and shattering. It actually happened. Hopefully that makes some sense, that is how I try to validate myself when I feel invalidated anyway.

Katy9591 wrote:@Jerboa

I have seen enough of your posts around the forum to know what kind of views you hold. Initially I just chose to ignore you because I have enough to deal with right now, but how about you muse over your own "craziness" before commenting on someone else's? It might just make you more sensitive and empathetic, and that could be pretty "crazy"

I always think about my own craziness before I think about someone else's. I consider my health more important than some random person's. I have never had a breakdown over something as trivial as a stain on a mattress made by somebody not involved. I did have a breakdown when I was starving and a friend refused to share their food with me, but in this situation the friend was acting out of spite, not ignorance.

But yeah, I agree with what you said about validation. It's not a good idea to seek outer validation. You are a witness to your emotions, you know well they happened, there's no need for anybody else to confirm it to you. I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't always let your emotions be the most important thing in the world.

Katy9591 wrote:@Jerboa

I have seen enough of your posts around the forum to know what kind of views you hold. Initially I just chose to ignore you because I have enough to deal with right now, but how about you muse over your own "craziness" before commenting on someone else's? It might just make you more sensitive and empathetic, and that could be pretty "crazy"

@OP
I haven't read the whole post yet but being "crazy" doesn't make you unlovable. It doesn't even have to define you. It's a wound, a scar, a ######6 OPEN wound, and being around insensitive people makes it worse. No amount of rationalizing helps. It feels callous and you want to shake them and ask them what the ###$ is wrong with you that you can't see my pain. And yes it's incredibly invalidating. I wish I had a magic solution to make it suddenly better, but remember this: you ARE safe. You ARE alive. In spite of the trigger, in spite of your friend not believing you and making you feel like you don't exist. Your feelings exist to YOU and you can take care of it.

Thank you so much for *actually* hearing what I said. I am bristled very easily be insensitivity, and seeing that they frequent the antisocial forum, I had a little bit more context for the harshness. I still reject it.

You are right, my feelings DO exist to me and they are always valid because they point to a bigger pain, a bigger issue that I can look to tackle. I don't regret the moment, as it showed me that I have very sneaky triggers, and now I can think of ways to combat this type of thing the next go around!

-- Tue Dec 13, 2016 8:16 am --

jerboa wrote:

Katy9591 wrote:@Jerboa

I have seen enough of your posts around the forum to know what kind of views you hold. Initially I just chose to ignore you because I have enough to deal with right now, but how about you muse over your own "craziness" before commenting on someone else's? It might just make you more sensitive and empathetic, and that could be pretty "crazy"

I always think about my own craziness before I think about someone else's. I consider my health more important than some random person's. I have never had a breakdown over something as trivial as a stain on a mattress made by somebody not involved. I did have a breakdown when I was starving and a friend refused to share their food with me, but in this situation the friend was acting out of spite, not ignorance.

But yeah, I agree with what you said about validation. It's not a good idea to seek outer validation. You are a witness to your emotions, you know well they happened, there's no need for anybody else to confirm it to you. I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't always let your emotions be the most important thing in the world.

I see your words and I want you to know that. However, again..... you are not me. You don't feel what I feel. We are two different people. "I never had a breakdown over something as trivial as a stain on a mattress.." Judgement, much? Why do you think that saying this would be helpful? Comparing apples to oranges is *unhelpful* Don't you think I try very hard to not let my emotions overtake me? I have BORDERLINE PERSONALITY. It's obviously something that I struggle with, but I can't avoid it as I have a lot of emotional scars. Why is this so hard to understand? I came here to vent and figure out why this was so triggering to me, especially when I literally REGRESSED when it happened and things stop making sense after that.

I don't think you are commenting to be helpful. I don't even think you understood what I said, as was proven by your re-stating of my post (which was off) so I appreciate the effort, but I only want people to comment when it resonates with them.. you obviously don't have this issue so why do you think your advice would be relevant? Especially delivered in the way that you did? I am SENSITIVE. If you can't respect this, please leave me be. That is all I am asking you.