splitting, medicating, dissociating

Hi

I'm J and I have bpd, anxious distress, ADD, and a host of other things... i'm also dealing with thoracic outlet syndrome which is horribly aggravating and debilitating.

I didn't realize that I tensed my body so much until these past couple years. "armoring" I think they call it. It's funny how self manages to elude self...

I haven't really felt "here" today. I had an exam to take and I managed to postpone it thanks to Disability Acts at school, and good thing, cause my mind has been racing all day. Rapid fire thoughts about random things, i've had on a show and music in the background and still my thoughts are louder

I also haven't had a therapist in months. I miss my old therapist, she was the best that I had. I am mourning her, I think. I've been procrastinating on finding a new therapist. I just... don't want to anymore. I'm sad about it. About her. I miss her. It's so exhausting starting over.

She actually has me diagnosed as bipolar II, but I don't think it's true because I have very pronounced triggers. I also am very moody. When it gets warm, I generally feel better. I think maybe I fooled her into thinking I was okay before she left. But I knew that Winter was coming. I knew that I would pick up my mask again. SO naturally I avoided our last three meetings... even after telling myself that I wouldn't. But I couldn't. It hurt so bad.

I'm rambling, please be patient with me. I'm sad today.

Why did she leave? Better get her back and tell her everything honestly. If she can't return look for a new therapist and be honest this time. All the best for the winter.