Recreating a stable dynamic

As we all know as people with BPD, the fear of abandonment can make things really difficult sometimes in terms of keeping relationships intact and healthy. I feel like for the most part I handle it really well, and it doesn't have much impact on the people who are important to me, but I still feel it suffocates relationships somewhat. And if anything, it just hurts me.

What I don't get is that my last romantic relationship was extremely stable -so I AM capable of having really secure and healthy attachments. In the 9 or so months we were together I only got jealous twice and we dealt with it same day and it was done. Other than that, I trusted her implicitly and we communicated really well. She would go off for a few days, or with her friends, and I never worried, I always knew she would come back and we would have so much to talk about. Similarly, I never felt I had to be 100% available to her to keep her in my life - I knew I could live freely and when I was done with what I was doing I could come back to her and again, we would have so much to talk about and our care for one another would still be the same as before.

This is the kind of relationship I want to have again. Our independence wasn't scary, because I knew that we could still come together, you know? So why was I able to do this with her, but then struggle in other relationships and feel less secure and trusting?

Why did that relationship end?

Do you think it could be down to a good level of compatibility and similar values and communication styles?

jrh592 wrote:Why did that relationship end?

I can't really say, that was where our communication broke down but we have been trying lately to talk about it. I got a new job (which I ended up hating anyway) and it took up a lot of time...I was working 9-5 and then commuting several hours into the house in the country where we were living. By the time I got home I was tired...my trauma was coming up at work and I wasn't holding it together well...I also was just obsessed with the job cause it was new. well, a couple months of that and honestly we just kind of fell apart. She felt lonely too because she wasn't able to get a proper job herself and I was the only super close person she had, and so she just felt very isolated I think.

In the end, when we lost the house in the country (neither of our fault), she just decided not to move in to my new place with me and then started having sex with other people so that was the end of that.

CloudShark wrote:Do you think it could be down to a good level of compatibility and similar values and communication styles?

Possibly. Right about now I'm just feeling very discouraged because it doesn't seem I am going to find that again...honestly, her and I had wonderful chemistry in so many senses. I just worry now I'm going to struggle to function in a relationship for the rest of my life.