Ever scared you'll never be able to hack it?

That's how I feel lately. I just feel like no matter how hard I work to recover from BPD, I just won't be able to function like a normal human being. I'm scared I'll never be able to hold down a proper job - it'll be either quit and flee, or get fired. I'm scared I'll never be able to have close friendships or relationships because of the fears of abandonment. They are too painful and I never know if I am asking too much, giving too little, etc. I feel like everyone can tell there is something wrong with me. I feel like I can't be managed - like everywhere I go, I'm too mentally ill for them. Too mentally ill for a job. Too mentally ill for my friends. Too mentally ill for school. Oh BUT I'm not mentally ill enough to just be committed to the hospital for the rest of my life - my problems are also outside their scope. I can't even hack it as a goddamn crazy person.

That's all. I'm just pretty much sure I can't do anything right. Yes, I am recovered, in that I don't self-harm, attempt suicide, or try to self-destruct everything I do. But I still somehow mess it all up, I still can't handle perceived abandonment or the emptiness I feel in my life every single day.

I feel the exact same way.. except I still self-mutilate and want to off myself. Honestly I think me being hospitalized for the rest of my life would be most beneficial. I feel hopeless about ever feeling "good". Then again I'm not getting the help I clearly need, and I have been waiting nearly 2 years just to get a psychiatrist. I thought moving here would give me more options, but apparently not. I feel like the only way I'm going to get help is by trying to kill myself. Easiest way to get someone in that field to pay attention.. ugh

I just don't think it will ever happen. I feel ignored and like everyone sees me as a lost cause.

witchessabbath wrote:I just feel like no matter how hard I work to recover from BPD, I just won't be able to function like a normal human being. I'm scared I'll never be able to hold down a proper job - it'll be either quit and flee, or get fired. I'm scared I'll never be able to have close friendships or relationships because of the fears of abandonment.

Recently i spoke with a 'non' and I asked him whether he's content with his job.
His reply,
"no. i often wish i hadnt joined this firm after college and wasted 2 years. wish someone had told me to go otherwise."

My point is that even nons dont have it all. they haven't cracked the code of life. yeah, they may 'look' happy to us, but it's all perception. even hillary clinton would be in pain right now.

about not having friends... with me i know i cant get along well with everyone n anyone. sadly i became very cynical and shunned everyone out of my life. even people who i now realize could've been good friends.

i guess i played safe cause its better to be alone and prevent getting hurt later.

i have improved a lot from what i was when i came here. what helped me tremendously was,
studying(kept my mind busy)
exercise(been running every day now)
talking to friends and being true. like not beating around bushes or recalling only those events where i am the victim
growing a plant n watching it grow. helps me realize all things take time.

<not keeping up with the joneses

madjoe wrote:<not keeping up with the joneses

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." Quentin Crisp