Self destructing

I have just hit the self destruct button. Following on from my last topic, this hasn't been a good week.

It is just one thing after another. After being seen at A&E a number of weeks ago now I increased a med dosage. This was under the psych team who said it was fine and they would let my GP know. So I contacted the GP surgery and was told they had not heard from anyone regarding this increase, then I was questioned as to why it was increased. Was told it could be increased for a month and then come off it. I was desperate so just agreed, although with problems. Wasn't prescribed a whole month and at the pharmacy it was saying 'once a day' when it was now twice a day. Anyway I call the GP for a further prescription and they still say they have nothing from A&E and that they will try to find out more. That my increase isn't needed long term even though I was on it for a year prior. It is also impossible for me to phone for an appointment (they want me to see someone before I run out of meds). So the med increase has helped calm me down and calm my thoughts. But considering this mess I was just tempted to start one a day to keep them all happy. I just don't understand it anymore, I am trying my best and nothing changes. I mean I have been working, but how far does it take me, it doesn't change how I feel.

So on to the next part, the meds have calmed me down, but now I am even more aware of my depression and negative thoughts about life. I feel like I have no fight in me. I handed in my notice at work (third time). I know deep down work is the best thing, but I literally see no point in being there. I hate life, yes work keeps me out of bed all day and I see others. But what does it change, nothing. Life is so pointless and nothing changes that. When I have spoken with my manager previously they have asked what they can do to help. There is nothing anyone can do, I have this bad view on existence that life is meaningless.

I am struggling in therapy, literally froze this week. I got asked a question twice and all I could say was "I don't know". I feel like I am shutting down. I have no one to turn to. Everything that goes on in my life or my head stays with me. I have just been stupid by handing in my notice. I just want to hide away. It is so hard being in an environment when you have to be social, be cheerful with customers. It is so full on. I then spend my lunch in the canteen not hardly speaking and just generally not wanting to listen to everyone go on about different things when I am just thinking about how rubbish life is.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am sorry smile5 that you are going through all of this - You sound a lot like I have been lately - very bitter about life. Well you actually sound a bit hopeless about it all - but I promise you that you will get through it! I get weeks like this that go on and on and on and I just can't stand it anymore, but they do pass thankfully. One day you just wake up and you feel good again and you aren't sure why, but you sure are happy.

Perhaps your meds changes and your therapy are making things feel particularly awful? I know my Cymbalta brand name meds got changed to the generic and I was having so much trouble sleeping and functioning. And I had to quit therapy because the feelings it brought up made me feel so loathsome and loserish and disgusted with myself - who needs that?

I feel particularly bored with my job lately and a bit lonely too, no one seems here to chat at all, so the days are really long. And I have to act all cheerful too because I sit in the reception.

Maybe you could get your job back or get a new one? I know sitting at home wallowing in the awful feelings doesn't help at all.

Thanks for the response....re: med change and therapy. The med change has helped calm me, prior to that I felt constantly on edge like I was going to blow, couldn't feel calm, nothing helped. In that sense the med help, but now I feel it has awakened the low moods. I never ever say I am depressed, but I think I am and quite badly. You are right I feel totally hopeless. I feel broken inside and kind of see that no one or anyone can fix me. I struggle enough myself. With therapy I am having bad anxiety about talking in the group. I have at times asked a lot of questions to the others, but I struggle to speak at all. I am aware I need to talk, for example I have handed my notice in three times and not once mentioned it in the group.

Today has been awful, my manager was back and I was unaware if they got the news of my resignation letter, so spent the whole day not being able to look them in the eye. I feel so awful, one for messing them around and two that I know I have made a bad decision and messed my life up even further. My struggle with work is that I am constantly being triggered, I don't do well with stress, it is interactions non stop. I cannot deal with worrying bad things will happen to others, that one day other staff may leave. I mean a member of staff can say my manager is stressed and that is enough to make me want to quit. How can I be so messed up. I know without work I will sink even further down and I have just made that very likely. I just feel so alone with no one to turn to for advice.

This sounds so awful for you - no wonder you wanted to resign. Can you find some work that gets you out of the house and feeling more functional that won't constantly trigger you? Was it a while since you had been employed? Did you have this job long enough to see some of your moods changing with time? I find if you stick with things and keep forcing yourself to go to work, usually your moods get better with time because you start to feel more competent and stable in the job. I have been with my boss for 9.5 years and I tell you sometimes I absolutely cannot stand it here and just want to go get hired at Walmart, but really I try to focus on what I do like here - the hours, having more money than a min. wage job, having weekends off, being able to take time off to bring my kids to their appts., being able to call in sick if I have to without losing pay etc. I also like that I can wear what I want here, either businessy clothing or more casual to dresses etc.

Sometimes you just have to work really hard at noticing the positive things and not keep noticing the things that suck. Most days, I can tune out some triggers, but on other days I just want to scream at everyone because I sit here up front on display. I also get so tired that I want to go crawl in a corner and sleep. But I know in a couple weeks, I could be happily enjoying my work once again, especially after the holiday break.

Hi, it sounds like you have worked out a way of managing and recognising how your moods effect you with regards to work. It is also good you can see what the benefits are.

I know I can see that financially I am better off, if I wasn't working I would have almost zero interaction with someone. Also I like my shift times because it makes travelling easier etc.

I read somewhere that BPD can be described like a person with severe burns. That every little thing causes huge pain. In this example emotional pain. I hate that just thinking/worrying about someone leaving or something bad happening causes me to want to leave. The other day someone hadn't turned up to work on time and that was it I was worrying. Oh I was out of work for over a year and half.

My manager is aware of my diagnosis, but not sure they know the details or how it effects me. I mentioned mood changes, but it is not seen outwardly. I hate myself right now, feel I cannot do my job properly. It is so hard when you have to drive sales, remember product details so on, when I cannot remember any of it. When I am given instructions it goes straight over me and I take nothing in. I just hate this existence, I wonder apart from paying my rent and bills what all of this is for.

Just see no point in anything.

Smile5 - you just have to work hard on finding things you enjoy - get a new hobby like adult colouring books, drawing, reading, exercise. Make sure you eat well, sleep well and get outside for some fresh air and exercise - all of these things can really help your mood.

Don't be so hard on yourself about your job - it doesn't seem like the kind of job that is for you. I get bad days, but when they are good, I really enjoy my job and like the work I do and really feel like I am making a difference by helping my boss run this law firm and by helping all of our clients. Maybe you just need to find different work, not so stressful for you. If the instructions go right over your head and the work is sales driven, it sounds too stressful and complicated right now for you. Find some easy work that is quiet that you can feel good about yourself.

You also sound lonely - do you have friends, a boyfriend, family members you enjoy spending time with? Do you get out to do things like go shopping, the movies, reading, anything that can get you out of your head and not worrying so much.

A lot of life is really what you focus on - if you find things to enjoy, you end up finding more things to enjoy. If you focus on all of the negative aspects, then you seem to only see those things. Sometimes you can just pat yourself on the back for getting your butt out of bed, getting dressed and eating breakfast. You can be proud of yourself for little things like tidying up your place, doing laundry etc.

I really get a lot out of self help books too because then you learn new strategies on how to live your life better. Not sure how old your are, but I can tell you at 43, life does get easier and we aren't quite so hard on ourselves as we get older. Things that bothered me when I was younger just don't matter any more.

I really hope you can start feeling some good in your life - it really sounds like you are stuck right now and I think your meds and counselling will get you right back on track.

-- Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:41 am --

I also like to read autobiographies of people with BPD, depression, anxiety, bipolar and other struggles because it helps when you see how other people with similar problems are coping and getting on with their lives.

On the other hand, reading books on what makes a person happier are good because they have ideas on how to make your day just a bit better each day like getting a pet, pampering yourself with a bubble bath or sheet mask, making yourself a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate, having a blankie to cuddle in front of the TV (even alone). You learn about using incense, candles and having plants and flowers in your environment can make you feel more cheerful. They also talk a lot about having gratitude and appreciating what you have and focusing on your strengths like your intelligence, kindness etc.

Sometimes just choosing a new recipe to cook something special or bake some goodies can be nice. Do you have any pets? I have 6 cats and I cannot imagine my life without them - they make me laugh so much and their unconditional love is great.

Something I like to do is listen to music and sing along - even feeling sad along with a really sad song can help you feel better.

This morning I had some serious anxiety and I had to drag myself out of bed, do my half hour yoga session and get my myself ready for work. I dressed nicely and I got my make up on and I still felt crappy, but I got to work. I ended up treating myself to a coffee and an apple fritter and the anxiety is starting to melt. It is there, but I know in two hours I can go to lunch and read my book or go browsing in stores or walk around enjoying the sun and fresh air.

Thank you both so much for the replies, sorry it has taken a while to respond, first change I have had to sit down.

I appreciate the suggestions and some of them are valid. I don't do very much with my time, the week is filled with work, I literally see no one until the weekend and then is just one of my parents. The weekend is spent food shopping and that is about it. This pattern is pretty much the same week after week. I have been thinking about getting back into exercising. Exercise has been a major part of my life, but when badly depressed it wasn't possible. Just before I found employment I started exercising again, which led to a reduction in meds because exercise is good for me. However work is very physical, on your feet for 7 1/2 hours, with lots of lifting/bending etc. So in the last three months I have not done anything exercise. I do try and read (mostly about others who have experienced mental health or self-help books), but it generally happens at weekend. Again due to work I am home, eat and sleep. I rarely see anyone else, any communication is via text. So I guess it can show why I feel lonely.

I saw my manager at work today and it was tough. However it has highlighted some areas. They felt that after this being the third letter then perhaps it isn't best for me to stay. I tried to explain that when I am not feeling great I literally act in the moment to do anything that will stop what I am feeling. It is very hard to explain clearly my actions. I said that at first I feel relief, but then the following day I cried on the way home from work because I realised what I had done. They mentioned that me handing in my notice was a way of getting to talk with them. This is hard to hear, because it isn't that at all. When I am struggling I act quickly to get away from those feelings. So I suppose in a good way it has made me take a step back and possibly keep my distance from now on. They have been helpful, will try and refer me to the company (health support), which is probably best. So I am still in work for now. I just have to learn to manage these feelings.

I am trying to understand what is driving me to behave the way I do and I can probably see things that have effected me growing up. Which really upsets me. I am angry that I feel broken, angry that these problems have been there since a young age, at least 11 years old. fast forward 20 years and I am still struggling badly. It is so hard to explain because I appear to function well, but inside it is a constant battle.

I definitely need to find something that motivates me, I have lost so much around me, lost people, lost relationships, lost items that meant a lot to me. I am just so scared of life and feel paralysed by it.

Sorry to post again, I have been struggling a bit since my last post. I am really bothered by my managers comment that I am handing in my notice as way to get to talk to them. That was not my intention at all. I really do get days at work where I feel I can not take another day. I just don't know how to get away from this. I just feel I should keep this very distant now, in the sense that I no longer speak about my struggles with work at work. I feel like I should never have said anything.

Why do people just always get the wrong impression. I feel anxious enough at work and now I know this is their assumption of me. I have tried to get it out of my head, but it is a big distraction.

I want nothing more to just be content, no feeling depressed, enjoy life and not let every small thing bother me.

Just feel very uneasy about the comment which was made.

Brooding and getting anxious and depressed about that thing I did - and /or said, and things that others have said/done are a major problem for me too. I also work in a room with 4 other people and I find that incredibly stressful as there are constant interactions and noise (in itself stressful).
People will and do say things that are wrong, mean even. Your manager misunderstood you and your motivations. But as a previous poster said it's a matter of focus, you are giving this too much space and ruminating on it endlessly. Sometimes I find it helps to do something physical to interrupt the endless chatter of gloomy self talk.
My problem includes sometimes getting horribly angry about something said/done in the recent past.
Getting sucked into these internal conversations - the roundyroundies - is a big problem for me. Our brain thinks thoughts, it churns them out constantly and we can't stop that, but we can modify if not control them, by recognising them as "just thoughts" and continuing to make good choices in how we spend time. (I've been reading some Pema Chodron and find that helpful)
There have been good suggestions made already - here are some of mine.
I like listening to audio books - I have an Audible subscription, and I've been working through certain authors. I can listen while I'm walking, doing mundane household chores etc. It's a distraction and the mental effort of focussing on the stories conbined with the positivity of getting on with laundry/ cleaning etc is very calming to me.
I phone up family members now and again.
I go jogging 2/3 times a week and listen to music while I do it.
I take a daily photo an upload it to Blipfoto - the effort of finding something interesting or beautiful to photograph every day encourages me to pay attention to the world around instead of obsessing on my "thoughts".
Find your "thing" or things, that can distract you from the thoughts about things which in the whole scheme of things are just not that important. After all does it really matter if she doesn't entirely understand you? How can anyone ever really understand any other person? Do you understand her? You probably believe you do, but she would probably say not. She is trying to be compassionate and that's about the best that any of us can do.