Destructive Coping Mechanism? Any advice?

I will post this in Relationships too, but having BPD I am interested in your experiences.

I am currently 19 days into 'No Contact' with my ex. The 2 year long distance relationship was very tumultuous with a cycle of him suddenly telling me he couldn't be in contact with me anymore. He would 'ghost' me for a month or so and then come back more devoted and loving than ever.

This is the first time I have managed to stick to the 'no contact' rule. When he had his last sudden change of heart some weeks ago, I decided that I needed to take some control of the situation. I gave him until midnight on 31st October to say anything he wanted/needed to say and then there would be no further contact between us. He said goodbye and that was the last communication we had.

Previously when he would ignore me I would humiliate myself with my behaviour. Sending streams of long, ranting messages, constantly calling and leaving messages on his answer phone which ranged from weeping and begging to sarcastic and angry. I would be obsessed with him, watching his social media accounts, hatching plots in my mind to make him talk to me.

Every time he ignored me, I would feel ashamed and embarrassed at how I had cried like a toddler, a child having a tantrum. Then I would try to contact him to apologise for my behaviour and be ignored which would then cycle into obsession and childish behaviour on my part again. And then he'd be back and blindly I believed each time it would be for good. I sort of can't believe that it came as such a shock every time that he broke it off since looking back it was almost as regular as clockwork. It's just that there would never be an argument or a reason for his decision. Everything would seem to be fine then suddenly......bam! Not fine. All over.

I am proud of myself for not contacting him but I am unsure if my coping mechanism is healthy and/or sustainable.Of course I get the urge to contact him frequently each day. The way I stop myself from doing so is to think of something hurtful he said or did and make myself angry at him. Then I feel like I am punishing him by not contacting him.

The thing is, I want to be a happy person, a positive person but having to resort to making myself bitter to keep up my willpower is tiring and I am finding it harder to go there. I'm exhausting every thing he did to upset me (and there was a lot to work with!) to where I am having to conjure up imaginary scenarios or over exaggerating real ones.

This has been the way I have dealt with break ups my whole life and I am 42 and there's a few people I absolutely feel utter revulsion upon even hearing their name.

How do you keep your resolve without the negativity? I don't want to hate him but it's the only way I feel like I don't want to talk to him. I can convince myself that I am the one ignoring him although I know well he has no urge to speak to me anyway.I really need some tools! Help!

I recently had a similar break up, so I feel ya I just let myself be angry at him, cried when I needed to, and moved on to someone else as quickly as possible. I don't know if that's the right option, but it worked for me.

No contact is absolutely the best way to go but hard to keep up, so also forgiving yourself for slipping up helps =/ I did the same thing with my ex for years, so you're not alone. Hating my ex for a long time was the only way to leave him alone but after not talking to him for 4 years I've managed to forgive him and still really care about him since I found someone new. It is really hard to get over a break up but I think no contact is really healthy and helps the healing happen faster.

I definitely think NC is a good idea of you find it tough to resist.

I used to try and convince myself that someone was horrible to stay away, but lately, I tend to remind myself what the function of some sabotaging behaviours are. I think when we are still feeling attached to someone, it's easy to try and find ways to make the hurt stop. So sometimes reaching out can make it stop because you get that connection you've been wanting so desperately. Sometimes being angry, or sarcastic, or sending long messages to convince them that you are right, looking to social media for signs/hope, plotting ways to bring them back...it all seems to be a hell of a lot easier than sitting with those emotions.

loneyhear wrote:I recently had a similar break up, so I feel ya I just let myself be angry at him, cried when I needed to, and moved on to someone else as quickly as possible. I don't know if that's the right option, but it worked for me.

Which I think is where this comes in. As much as it hurts, as awful as it is, I think sometimes you just need to let yourself cry. Let yourself feel angry. And don't do anything. Just let those feelings be and let them work through your system until it stops hurting so much. It's the worst, especially when you start, cause you feel so helpless just crying or steaming there by yourself and not doing anything to try and distract or alleviate those feelings. But I really find at the end it actually makes the whole thing a lot easier, because you have to face it head on, you're not delaying or prolonging facing that pain.

Thanks so much for your replies.

I went out with friends on Sunday night (first time all year due to social anxiety/depression). I had such a great time and the friends I caught up with all made me feel very loved and cared for. They are male too so it was nice to know that they care about me because we have built friendships over some 20 years. They weren't making me feel good because they wanted to have sex with me but because they actually LIKE me.

So glad I went as I nearly didn't cause it seemed too hard.

Knowing I have people who truly like me for who I am without any ulterior motives was a real boost to my self esteem and sense of worth.

The generosity they showed me was above and beyond. As I have been out of work caring for someone with cancer, I have very little money. So they put me on the guest list (they play in a band), organised an uber to take me to the gig, supplied me with drinks all night (though I don't drink alcohol, it was nice not to pay for Soda), included me every time they made a surreptitious visit to the disabled loo for a cheeky line. They also put me up for the night and took me for breakfast. Pancakes with fruit compote, baklava icecream, persian fairy floss topped with pistachio anyone?

Reminded me that I only have to reach out to know that I am valued by people even if I am no longer cared for by my ex.

It's been 22 days now! GO ME!!!! They say it takes 28 days to make/break a habit......I could be almost there. Since having a good night out I have thought of him much less.

redrob thats brilliant ..just want you needed i think
well done ..

Go you ...totally agree