Any reason to stay?

Maybe speaking with other borderlines I can figure something out. Im not borderline but my GF is. We live together.

Yesterday was pretty good but I got a new cell phone. I spent the night setting it up. She went into panic mode and asked me several times why I got a new phone and if it was because I wanted to hide stuff from her or use it to talk to other girls and things like that. I answered once that I would not do that and when she continued to ask and ask and ask I told her I wouldn't be treated like a criminal for upgrading my phone. She calmed down and was loving but very, very quiet as if she couldn't stop thinking and worrying.

A long time ago before I learned about borderline I installed an app so that we could see each others GPS location because she has such a huge lack of trust. It was about a year ago and at that time I didn't know about boundaries and thought if I showed her everything she would learn to trust me. Looking back it was a big mistake. I think she lacks the ability to trust at all. I installed the app again but didn't log in and set it up.

When I left for a meeting this morning she asked why she couldn't see where I was. I just told her I forgot to log in and then I did log in. Then I took a video of where I was at the meeting and told her I had to go in to the meeting. So she had the GPS app showing her where I was and also the video proving where I was. She said "ok babe". I thought it was over.

While I was in the meeting she absolutely flipped out. She called my phone 5 times and sent 10 very nasty texts. She said I did this on purpose. She said I was using it to do things behind her back. She said I got the phone to talk to other girls. She said I was not even at the meeting. She called me disgusting.

I waited at till the end of the meeting and went off on her. I told her I wont be talked to like this. I said that I spend money every month on this app just because she has an insecurity problem and if she doesn't appreciate it and treats me like crap I will delete the app and stop paying for it. I also told her that I wont tolerate being accused of things I am not doing and if she cant accept that then she doesn't need to be with me. I told her I would rather be alone than be treated like that.

She retaliated by saying.. Fine. I don't need a guy like you anyways. A guy that hides things and lies about going to a meeting and meeting up with girls. I don't need you.

Keep in mind I really was at the meeting and everything she is saying is completely false.

At this point I am so frustrated I want to throw all her stuff out on the street and tell her to never talk to me again. I want to put a restraining order on her. I have not done anything to her to make her act this way and I haven't cheated. We both lied about some things over a year ago but that's over now.

At this point she has read my messages but refuses to respond. I told her that if she gives me the silent treatment that will be the end of us. I wont tolerate it anymore. I told her to take time to think but if she is punishing or giving the silent treatment by the time I get home then that's it. I literally would rather die alone that put up with this anymore.

Any advise? Im not sure if this is typical borderline behavior but I get the feeling it is from what I have read. I certainly overreacted but its due to so much of this happening all the time and just getting tired of hearing things like this so much.

Yesterday I was 5 minutes late to a meeting because she flipped out saying that I "COULD BE" going to meet someone. She does that a lot. Just because something is possible she thinks I will automatically do something evil to her. Ironically she COULD do a lot of things as well but doesn't listen when I say she COULD be doing bad things too. Somehow I am the evil one and she is the innocent victim.

Nice to see you again

I sent you a PM.

I agree that it was a stupid idea for you to install the tracking app. I would advise you to leave your girlfriend. There's no future for a relationship where there's no trust.

Firstly
Yea installing the app and giving her control on where you are 24hours a day isnt healthy ..she CANT learn to trust you this way, this will only make her concentrate/obsess on spying on you
(i know from my own experience)

You have to allow her to learn to trust you

Secondly

I waited at till the end of the meeting and went off on her. I told her I wont be talked to like this. I said that I spend money every month on this app just because she has an insecurity problem and if she doesn't appreciate it and treats me like crap I will delete the app and stop paying for it.

Correct, very well handled

I also told her that I wont tolerate being accused of things I am not doing and if she cant accept that then she doesn't need to be with me. I told her I would rather be alone than be treated like that.

Defensive, wasnt needed.

You stated your wishes , she knew them, understood the statement. (your boundary) then WHAM attacked her indirectly and triggered her fear of abandonment (that's a no no for us)

I literally would rather die alone that put up with this anymore.

I know its hard work, but you must observe her ..note what calms her, what triggers her. you need to learn her behavours (there is a reason for everything she does) you just have to learn them

op is codependent?

jerboa wrote:I agree that it was a stupid idea for you to install the tracking app. I would advise you to leave your girlfriend. There's no future for a relationship where there's no trust.

Part of the reason I agreed to the app is because I didn't trust her at all either. She lied quite a bit at the start of our relationship.

Is ANY borderline truly able to trust? I mean isn't this one of the HUGE traits of borderline?

I personally think that you handled yourself well and it was very sweet of you to install that app on your phone. Please just don't be too hard on yourself...

jrh592 wrote:

jerboa wrote:I agree that it was a stupid idea for you to install the tracking app. I would advise you to leave your girlfriend. There's no future for a relationship where there's no trust.

Part of the reason I agreed to the app is because I didn't trust her at all either. She lied quite a bit at the start of our relationship.

Is ANY borderline truly able to trust? I mean isn't this one of the HUGE traits of borderline?

It is one of the typical BPD problems, but I suppose it can be managed. Why are you in a relationship with her if you don't trust her? Maybe you should stay single for a while and sort out your own personal issues before committing to anything.

jrh592 wrote:Is ANY borderline truly able to trust? I mean isn't this one of the HUGE traits of borderline?

Well, here I am. Personally I'm far more concentrated on being dumped because somebody doesn't love me anymore that because he finds another one/cheats. But the problem is serious, since my friend (who also has BPD) is, lightly said, frantic about being cheated.

However - you cannot let your GF control your life. No matter what. It's just simply sick to track every movement of your BF. And I cannot imagine being in your situation (excuse me, but when you look at it from third person's point of view, you could see that's simply ridiculous).

You have the right to not being spied. But bear in mind that every word you say about ending the relationship (as well as - I need time alone) can be really scary for your GF. Even though you can be very frustrated at the moment - try to limit such behavior. Until of course you're 100% sure that you want to end the relation. But it's something to be decided when you're not in nervous situation.

jrh592 wrote:

jerboa wrote:I agree that it was a stupid idea for you to install the tracking app. I would advise you to leave your girlfriend. There's no future for a relationship where there's no trust.

Part of the reason I agreed to the app is because I didn't trust her at all either. She lied quite a bit at the start of our relationship.

Is ANY borderline truly able to trust? I mean isn't this one of the HUGE traits of borderline?

As someone who has quite a bit of paranoia and jealousy...I've come to see that trust is a choice I have to make and a gift I have to choose to give my partner. I mostly choose to do it because I think that overcontrolling actions (I would consider the GPS thing to be overcontrolling) or too much jealousy or paranoia can end up crossing into abusive territory. not always, but at times. And I don't want to go down that path.

I saw a quote at a place I worked at recently and it said "'You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free" and that's what I keep in mind.

I think that if you aren't ready to end it you should talk to her about the GPS thing. I had a major fallout with an ex because we had each other's passwords to everything and she frequently read my emails because she was afraid I would cheat on her with someone from university. I thought if she could see nothing was happening she would trust me...but in the end, I realized it was super unhealthy and so I told her I was changing the pass. She freaked out, she cried, she threatened to leave me. I had to very gently keep reminding her why I was doing this and made efforts to show her that this wasn't an issue of how much I cared for her.

Another thought I have is - connected to the choosing to trust - sometimes it is just enver enough. No matter how "perfect" you are, no matter what you do to show her you're not thinking of leaving, sometimes it is just never enough. I mean, yes, we have to have compassion for our partner's struggles and make compromises, but it takes two. You have to be trustworthy, whatever that looks like for you two, but she also has to choose some level of vulnerability and trust in you too.