High functioning periods

Hi again guys.

Thanks for your insightful replies.

Well for me high-functioning means going without an episode as such.

I will start off going bad with a depression. I feel so bad, like i am physically aching from it. This can last for a good few months, during this time i'll have lot of rage fits, i'll devalue and discard my boyfriend constantly, i will drink and take lots of drugs, i'll try and sabotage my relationship in some way, my promiscuous side comes out and i'll think about or actually cheat on my partner as i feel he doesn't give me any attention, i get horrifically clingy and needy... yeah. When i'm bad i'm bad. My behaviour is all to fill up the chronic emptiness/loneliness i'm feeling.

When i'm good however you'd think i was perfectly normal, i'm able to aim and achieve well in these periods, i love my boyfriend and i'm the nicest girlfriend (maybe idealisation, i dunno), but i'm good. Though interestingly as some of the other posters said, if i'm good for too long, i do get bored. Sometimes we just can't win.

I also should add I only really suffer with my bpd when in a romantic relationship.

x

Well, when I'm high-functioning I usually only "suffer" from the mood changes - but I wouldn't call it suffering, since well, I have mood switches since I remember, so I guess I'm just used to, and it feels completely normal to be sad in one moment and full of energy in the second. And in such states I'm quite good at managing tasks, dealing with everyday life and so on. So everything is ok.

But, if the state lasts too long (let's say - a week or so) I'm getting very very grandiose. It's quite nice. And then it's getting very very irritating and boring. And again - I'm becoming easily irritated. And the medium/low functioning starts.

And relationships is like instant denial of high functioning state : D

I definitely relate to the high functioning periods you described.

Oftentimes these high functioning periods (for me) are caused by a break in my symptoms, and me to have a much much higher outlook on life. I usually go overboard on trying to get better by exercising everyday for at least an hour, eating very very clean, signing up for a million and one things that I think I can do, and usually comes with a burst of creativity for me. My doc thinks it's hypomania, but I haven't been offically diagnosed with bipolar, only with bpd.

But breaks in my bpd symptoms are usually caused by just getting out of the hospital or me dating someone and being "in love".

It sounds strange, but I hate "high functioning periods."

I always trick myself in believing that "it" is over, and that I will be well, and that I will be "normal"- ie: able to work, embed with the desire to socialize and not hide in my apartment all day and all night....

It always turns in this "Flowers for Algernon" situation, where I crash and it all comes flooding back and it hurts so much- the bitter disappointment in myself and from others.

I am nothing, and I will die without ever having a life or anything good.(* this is NOT a suicide declaration)

I am trying to accept the truth and it hurts so much.

goinggoinggone wrote:It sounds strange, but I hate "high functioning periods."

I always trick myself in believing that "it" is over, and that I will be well, and that I will be "normal"- ie: able to work, embed with the desire to socialize and not hide in my apartment all day and all night....

It always turns in this "Flowers for Algernon" situation, where I crash and it all comes flooding back and it hurts so much- the bitter disappointment in myself and from others.

Thanks God I'm not the only one