New here.. please help me/about me.. Looking for advice.

Hi everyone

Ive recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally unstable PD depending on which country youre from (i'm from the UK)

I'll quickly run through how my BPD affects me - if anyone sees what i write and feels the same way please contact me, I feel so alone and I have no one to talk to.

1. ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: Probably my most prominent issue; is my fear of abandonment. I recently got into a new relationship (we had been speaking since june and he wasnt ready for a relationship, but due to a lot of factors bringing us together we have been officially together since september) He tells me im the best thing thats ever happened to him - but that I came at the wrong time. That sentence alone sends me into orbit emotionally and I am constantly waiting for him to leave me. I constantly pick fights if I dont get what I want from him emotionally (I have a high sex drive, i am very emotionally needy and physically needy, i hate it when i'm at his place and hes doing something else e.g playing xbox, cleaning the house etc) This causes a lot of issues - he is not very emotionally affectionate. When its good and i'm not raging at him we get along and can just let the relationship flow. But my constant need for reassurence for the future is something he wont tolerate, he tells me that reassurence is pointless and that I should be happy in myself first and foremost and if i was i wouldnt need his reassurence (he clearly has no clue on what BPD entails.) Which brings me to my next point - he doesnt know what I have, and i am too ashamed to tell him because i'm frightened that he will leave me. How this all affects me on a day to day basis is not good, I want to be with him all the time because when I am with him I feel that i *somewhat* exist, i feel like i am someone because he is someone, he is very attractive and confident and has a great personality. I feel so ugly and worthless in comparison to him even though i myself used to be a model and had lots of friends. when I am not with him all i do is sit in bed at home and cry/think about him leaving me/sleep. I am really trying to keep a lid on how I feel, when sometimes i feel like screaming at him that my life is in his hands and why cant he just love me how i need to be loved - but i dont - because that is about as counter productive as you can get! I feel like im constantly wearing a mask around him, trying to be this girl that i'm not, a cool girl, that is okay with everything, is chilled out, and is on the same page as him, when really i'm heartbroken that he wont move into my apartment with me after being together only 3 months. NOTE: I can logically see that I am being unreasonable, that relationships take time to develop as do feelings and emotions, but the pain I feel inside is so intense that I just want to stop it quickly and not have to deal with it; and emotional validation from him does that (in the short term).
The scariest part for me is that I feel like I would commit suicide if he left me, I havent told him this and I dont plan to, because thats unfair on him and i'd never know after that whether he was with me because he wants to be or because hes scared i'll hurt myself. But yeah, this is my main BPD issue and always has been looking back throughout my relationship history, I seek validation from men and if I dont get it, i spiral (for example; said boyfriend didnt text me until 2pm one day and I had to go home from work because I was hysterical and couldnt focus on anything, i ended up calling a friend and raging to her)

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2. SUCIDIAL IDEATION: Ive thought about killing myself from as early as I can remember, I recall being reprimanded by my mother at age 8 and locking myself in the bathroom screaming hysterically to myself - thinking about my death and my funeral in detail. This pattern of behavior has continued into adulthood, its a coping mechanism, when i feel bad I plan my suicide, [Mod edit] For me, i have never made a "cry for help" attempt, I have never made an attempt, I have come close in the past but I have refrained. My line of thinking is if it comes to that, I want to make sure I do a good job and dont be a failure at another thing in my life.

3. SELF HARM? SELF DISREGARD?: I have a historical history of smacking myself/pinching myself when i get really emotionally charged but i have never self harmed in the traditional sense of cutting etc. The way in which my self harm manifests is through not caring about my wellbeing, [Mod edit] with no thought of the damage i could do to myself, going to israel and purposely going to volatile areas alone because i genuinely couldnt care less if i lived or died, you catch my drift.

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4. DAILY LIVING: My daily life consists of work and sleep, counting down for the weekend until i see my boyfriend so i can feel somewhat happy/normal for a couple of days. Human interaction irritates me, i often find myself envious of others lives and how simple minded they seem compared to me. My emotions are a rollercoaster throughout the day and I have to hide them and carry on as a normal person with a smile on my face, by the end of it, i am exhausted and I have no time for social interaction (bar my partner) and all i want to do is sleep, because when i sleep i dont have to think or deal with myself or my batshit mind. I can only see my friends when I am in somewhat of a good place, because another issue for me is that I want to create a facade that I am this cool girl who can handle her $#%^, and showing my vulnerability to my friends does not fit the pattern. Plus the fact that my BPD makes me quite self centered and self absorbed - I genuinely dont care how my friends/family are doing because they definitely dont feel as bad as me.

So yeah -thats about it. My main issue and always has been is the dependence on my partners to provide me with happiness, stability and to regulate me emotionally, I am not getting that from my boyfriend at the moment, which has lead me to spiral down and lead me into psychiatric services and thus FINALLY getting a diagnosis. Knowing you are different from the age of 8 and feeling wrong, like you need to toughen up and that youre weak isnt fun, but its been a relief to get some answers now at 23.

i hope this sounds familiar to some of you. I just so badly want to connect with others and not feel so alone. I hope this post (thank you to those who read it all) will spark some discussion. lets try to keep fighting the good fight.

Well, I can definitely associate with the symptoms you've described. So well, you're not the only one in the world, if that helps.

I think that untreated BPD is very devastating to one's life, and if you want to cope with your existence better, you should seek for some help. I personally found behavioral therapy very helpful (and psychoanalysis not helping at all). Also - there might be some medications that can improve your everyday life. When I was in a relationship I also was very paranoid, what led my doctor to prescribe me anti-psychotic drug, which helped. A bit.

And from my experience - the way you write about your relationship strongly indicates further problems, so prepare yourself.

I've been in your situation countless times and I can totally relate. I know how consuming the fear of abandonment can get and how destructive it can be to constantly obsess and freak out while you're trying to keep that "cool girl facade", trust me... From my own experience, I know that once I start going down that road, it only gets worse, and it ends up destroying my relationship every single time. Especially when you really like the guy (like it seems you do), it gets really hard to keep a clear mind.
I wish I could help but really, I'm still trying to figure that out for myself...
All I know is that it's unhealthy to keep going this way, it'll mess up your relationship at some point and most importantly, it's torture to YOU to feel this way all the time.
I felt exactly the same way than what you described during my last relationship, which lasted a few months. After it ended, I realized that I could never have handled feeling that way longer, and how much it hurt me more than anything.
I'm not sure having to constantly wear a mask and act cool around your boyfriend can lead you anywhere. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you're pretending to be someone else?
I've been there, and all it ever did was making it worse.
I wish there was a magical solution, truly, but there isn't.
Maybe doing something you like, a hobby or anything to get your mind off it when you feel overwhelmed by all of this. For example, I usually go for long walks by myself around town. It's not long term solutions but I find it pretty helpful sometimes.

Anyway, know that you're not alone feeling this way.