Self-injuring again *TW*

This might be pretty triggering for people so keep that in mind.

I haven't hurt myself for a long time, maybe a year even. I haven't cut myself, burned, hit myself anything like that. Recently, I have had people stop talking to me again, or I stopped talking to them. This one guy I liked said he found someone else he liked better. Then he tries to tell me how I am "adorable and lovable" but made me feel like he was throwing little scraps of pity at me. I don't mean what that girl means to him. He rejected me for her, nothing can undo that. I have suffered some major hate thrown at me on another forum, both publicly and through private message. I was told I was:

- attention whoring, whiny, manipulative $#%^
- more entitled and cruel than a sociopath (for getting mad at and opposing someone who said borderlines are worse than psychopaths and suck the life out of you, only want drama and are victim players). I have been terrified of making myself vulnerable to anyone because of them holding views like this.
- The same person who called me the things above also called me a bully that harrasses people. I wasn't bullying anyone, and she was acting crazy (sorry, but this is the only way I can say it) and self-reportedly had PTSD. But because all of that triggered me, being called a bad person triggered me, I spent a long time trying to get her approval. It ###$ me up. I felt invalidated.
- Encountering the whole "crazy chick" thing and in general angry and hateful comments towards people like me.

I just want to say: I give up. YOU, every single one of you (people that hate me) ######6 won. I hadn't hurt myself in a long time, but couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop feeling sad, couldn't stop imagining murdering myself. Kept hitting my face and trying to strangle myself. I hate myself. I know they do, so what it is the point of fighting it? I am supposed to put up with all the $#%^ above, or else I am being worse than a sociopath and entitled who won't let others just BE. I am a horrible person, who doesn't REALLY deserve to live. I wouldn't mind brutally...dying. That's how much I hate myself. I don't really mean anything to anyone. I ######6 give up.
(I am not actively suicidal, fyi. Just trying to get my feelings out).

I really, honestly think at this point that forums for mental illness actually carry way more risks that they're worth, when people can just hurt others so much easier and undo any good other people do. Over here, I see people just laying into one another for no good reason all the time, and no one ever seems to get punished for it like on regular forums with the whole "3 strikes and then ban" thing.
What you experienced was horrible. It was very likely just someone's desire to make someone else hurt to make themselves feel better, like in pretty much every case we see here where someone is saying pathetic, negative, hurtful things toward another member.
I all say this, but I'm still here.

Are you the person who mentioned a different forum in a different topic before? Or was it somebody else?

Either way, I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. I know that when I'm being extremely emotional, doing something like pinching my skin helps me calm down, so I guess that's alright.

I just want to say: I give up. YOU, every single one of you (people that hate me) ######6 won. I hadn't hurt myself in a long time, but couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop feeling sad, couldn't stop imagining murdering myself. Kept hitting my face and trying to strangle myself. I hate myself. I know they do, so what it is the point of fighting it? I am supposed to put up with all the $#%^ above, or else I am being worse than a sociopath and entitled who won't let others just BE. I am a horrible person, who doesn't REALLY deserve to live. I wouldn't mind brutally...dying. That's how much I hate myself. I don't really mean anything to anyone. I ######6 give up.
(I am not actively suicidal, fyi. Just trying to get my feelings out).

I have to say katy ..i do know how hard it is when your triggered and how low your going to feel ...

BUT you are NOT a horrible person , you are a person that horrible things happen too

I quoted this because i read this somewhere and its so bloody true

Dont punish yourself for other people thoughts. stay away from people that are not helpful

I admired them. I thought they were who I have always wanted to be - honest and vulnerable. I have also liked someone in the past who was kind of like them - kind of because he wasn't mean to me since I was his friend, so he cared about me. I thought what they were saying must be true, that I was just overreacting and there was nothing to be afraid of, so I had this voice in my head saying I must do better than this. I believed her when she said that the woman spewing hate was "doing nothing wrong." That it must be me who was being emotional when there was no need. But she was wrong. I also realized I don't really want to be like them, they are incredibly mean. Where I see vulnerability, I never treat it that way. Never. No matter if everyone else around me is, I don't. Unless I can't stand the person then I just don't talk to them.

But yeah, that's why I internalized everything I was told - that I was worthless - well that was implicit in how they degraded and ignored any needs I had, giving the impression that they aren't really needs. THat I am "sick" so I believe I need things I don't. I was looking for love also, after what she did to me. I spent an entire night feeling worthless and wondering how much it would even matter if I died, maybe not so much. Now I feel like a piece of $#%^ who is just "attention seeking, and victimizing" as if that hateful people didn't actually make me feel terrified and victimized after how they treated me and others. I realized I don't matter, I am a negative, I don't even exist.

I can relate to the admiration you felt ..i admire people too for what ever reason (not all) just some and when your efforts are thrown back in your face its natural to feel hurt and let down even for a non never mind for a sensitive/vulnerable person, so i personally dont think you should blame and punish your self for that

i do it too (im learning not too)
So its kind of helping each other to stop this punishment we feel we deserve
Vent all you need to ..your not alone when your here you know

How are you feeling tonight? This was posted yesterday. Wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

I find inflicting pain without actually harming myself helps, if that makes sense. Taking a hot shower, or holding a bunch of ice cubes in my hand, something along those lines.

People are going to say whatever and think whatever they want about you, but it means absolutely nothing. Who are they to determine your self-worth? They're nobody special, even if you had idealized them! I understand why it's painful though, I'm sensitive to criticism at times too. I find keeping in mind that those who insult you are NOT GOD, they are just average people like all of us and can be prone to faulty thinking and BS too.

octopuslol wrote:How are you feeling tonight? This was posted yesterday. Wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

After the episode yesterday, I haven't hurt myself.

I find inflicting pain without actually harming myself helps, if that makes sense. Taking a hot shower, or holding a bunch of ice cubes in my hand, something along those lines.

For me, it was about embodying my self-hatred because I wanted to get it out of my system, I wanted to feel it, to face it, I thought I could maybe make it go away. I thought I deserved it too, that that's all I deserved. So simply pain wouldn't have done it for me, it needed to feel angry and violent.

People are going to say whatever and think whatever they want about you, but it means absolutely nothing. Who are they to determine your self-worth? They're nobody special, even if you had idealized them! I understand why it's painful though, I'm sensitive to criticism at times too. I find keeping in mind that those who insult you are NOT GOD, they are just average people like all of us and can be prone to faulty thinking and BS too.

That's very true

I'm glad you haven't harmed yourself, Katy.

People with NPD overutilize this, people with BPD underutilize, but I think it's very important to take a middle ground when it comes to regulating self-esteem and thus, your emotional state. There's no need to devalue the people per se, but you can devalue their #######5 opinions of you by keeping in mind that they're flawed too, and you could insult them back just as much if you wanted. Ofc, you probably shouldn't do that because it will make you feel worse after. But everyone and anyone can be insulted, everyone will have their opinions, but it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form at the end of the day. You're not going to be making less money, you're not going to lose the roof over your head, and so on. It means zilch.

For example, if someone calls me a nasty name, like a retard or btch, I just think to myself, "who are YOU to tell me who I am??"

Frankly, I still want to. I have a lot of rage and hatred bottled up (and no love) because of what I have been exposed to repeatedly in the past few months. And I want to experience it, but I cannot hit my head against the wall for example because this is a student housing and even though I am living in an apartment style dorm I can't risk anyone knowing I was acting crazy and them reporting me.

I had a nightmare again with the guy who rejected me in it and apparently his profile picture in various places was with this girl he likes better than me. I don't even know what she looks like, and I haven't spoken to him nor thought about him in a while, and yet my mind finds a way to torture me. I hate when people tell me I am lovable despite the fact that I desperately want them to love me and they don't. "Oh I don't really love you but you are lovable." ###$ off. I have gotten to a point in the past I didn't believe in love. I know there are several people out there who don't feel lovable, who are not loved in their life, what makes me so special? If love is true, shouldn't it be for everyone? I don't know what to do, I want to hurt myself so bad. And I do wonder if this rage is actually internalized and would have been properly directed (in my head) towards those who did hurt me.