How does living with BPD and no therapy works?

Hey guys.
I'm new here. And I feel quite guilty about posting here, provided I have no diagnosis of BPD from a physician.
I have started studying Medicine this year and I moved out from my hometown, which is quite far. The thought of seeing a therapist was on and off my mind throughout this year, but I consider it necessary. I don't have a lot of money to spend on such a thing and it scares me. I've had only one meeting with a therapist before, but she only managed to scare me away. I don't want to talk about it to my parents.. Because they don't offer me the emotional support I need.
I'm just a dumb person who thinks too much and considers too many points of view when it comes to a certain problem. It seems that I experience much stronger feelings than most people, i.e. if someone thanks me for giving them a pencil, that could completely shift my mood from apathy to joy to guilt, in the end. Everything ends up with guilt. I feel emotionally 'idiotic'. I show most of the symptoms that are considered to define BPD. I feel like I always I give too much and receive almost nothing in the end. I just managed to have an argument with a friend. Because I don't know to keep my mouth shut about my problems. But I guess I'm ranting too much.
Anyway.. how do you manage to live with BPD on your own? Does it work? I don't know if I'm capable of trusting a therapist. I'd like to go to one, but I'm not sure if I can do it.

Thanks,
LemonCake

Hi from a fellow Med student

I can relate to what you said. I thought about seeing a therapist for about 4 years (even making appointments and not going) before I finally did. I think my symptoms started when I was about 14/15 but my cultural and family environment didn't encourage me to go see a physician (which meant being crazy to them), so I just kept internalizing everything. I didn't even know BPD existed, and when I was 17, I started med school and began thinking I was bipolar type II, because that's what seemed to fit the most (even though some symptoms didn't really).
I was scared as hell to go see a doctor, I didn't want to be labeled as mentally ill or something, I saw mentally ill people during my internships at hospitals and it freaked me out to think I was like that. I don't know about you, since you're a first year, but the further you go in med studies the more you think you can self diagnose/medicate and the less you wanna go see someone...
So anyway, I made appointments, then my mood would swing to fear/shame/guilt/whatever and I'd cancel them, but somehow I WANTED validation, deep inside I really needed a diagnosis.

This is how far I went to get one without going to a doctor... Don't judge me.
Last year (I was a 3rd year med student), we had this assignment where we had to write a paper about a patient with a chronic disease we met during our internships. Could be diabetes, MS, or a mental illness. The professor grading us was a well known psychiatrist in my town. SO, naturally, I decided it would be a good opportunity to write about..well.. myself. I still thought I was bipolar at the time (and I do have some bipolar tendencies) and I described everything I felt/had done in 3 pages. I thought : well if I'm wrong, he'll think that I've invented the whole thing and call me out on it, no one will know it was about myself, they'll just think I cheated. But I had a great mark, and he told me I had successfully captured what mental illness felt like, he also asked me if the patient had BPD. I didn't know what it was (I had heard it before but never looked into it). When I did look it up, suddenly everything made sense and I fit all the criteria. I read testimonies of BPD people, and I swear it could have been me writing them.

Now I was finally convinced that was the right diagnosis, and it kind of lifted up some of the weight, I felt less confused about what was going on in my head and I could at last put a name on it. I thought it would be enough, that I could manage. It was still a secret (I told no one), I was still ashamed... I read that no medication had been proven to be an efficient treatment for BPD yet. I thought: no need to see a pro, he'll just prescribe useless treatments that'll turn me into an apathetic zombie.

Then, about 6 months ago, I almost killed myself.
I've been seeing a therapist for 3 months now, he's a good listener, and even though I'm still not a 100% comfortable with him, he helps me exteriorize everything and put some sense into all of it.

Living with BPD and not being able to talk about it to anyone is a bad idea in my opinion. Nothing good can come out of internalizing it all. Therapy is essentially a work on yourself but a little guidance from a professional can't hurt .
Sometimes, someone who doesn't judge, whose goal is to listen and help you make sense of things can make a big difference.

same i probably have traits not bpd.maybe i have just depression. but i feel is so impossible to go to a therapist but i want to just to try because i suffer.with the depression and the void .life seems meaningless and torture most of the times.
and still i can not bring myself to try to find someone even free because i can not pay.i jst do not know why is so difficult. like is avoidance thing.
i feel very uncomfortable with the idea talking to a stranger i hate it but at the other hand i always wanted to tell things to someone that my whole life i am hiding.
life feels like torture to me. like i have to keep patience 90% of the times holding on suffering.
sometimes i am more ok.especially now that i left toxic environment i feel happy just because of that and gradefull,but also afraid.
if i have it(not sure probably not)i think i am very high funtioning because i can hide everything most of the time.
except the relationships part that is problematic.and the most obvious i think to others that know me better.
generally i wear a mask all the time and i am good at it . i know how to make people to like me and what they want to hear. but i suffer because i do not like wearing it.
when i get angry i go outside or try to hide it,
my mother often says to me how the ###$ i change when i am with people and i become so social.i think is like a talent. most often i want/wish to annoy people or do something shocking just because i feel they suppress me but i do not do it and i do not know why
i didn't always had the mask talent.i just know what people want to hear ,i think is empathy. when i was a kid i was shy and a mess and didn't know how to manipulate people. now i can but the problem is i do not enjoy it at all. i feel suppressed while doing it.
i do not even know if that has anything to do with bpd.has it? i need to ask a therapist probably

what makes you think therapy works

yasm21 wrote:Hi from a fellow Med student

I can relate to what you said. I thought about seeing a therapist for about 4 years (even making appointments and not going) before I finally did. I think my symptoms started when I was about 14/15 but my cultural and family environment didn't encourage me to go see a physician (which meant being crazy to them), so I just kept internalizing everything. I didn't even know BPD existed, and when I was 17, I started med school and began thinking I was bipolar type II, because that's what seemed to fit the most (even though some symptoms didn't really).
I was scared as hell to go see a doctor, I didn't want to be labeled as mentally ill or something, I saw mentally ill people during my internships at hospitals and it freaked me out to think I was like that. I don't know about you, since you're a first year, but the further you go in med studies the more you think you can self diagnose/medicate and the less you wanna go see someone...
So anyway, I made appointments, then my mood would swing to fear/shame/guilt/whatever and I'd cancel them, but somehow I WANTED validation, deep inside I really needed a diagnosis.

This is how far I went to get one without going to a doctor... Don't judge me.
Last year (I was a 3rd year med student), we had this assignment where we had to write a paper about a patient with a chronic disease we met during our internships. Could be diabetes, MS, or a mental illness. The professor grading us was a well known psychiatrist in my town. SO, naturally, I decided it would be a good opportunity to write about..well.. myself. I still thought I was bipolar at the time (and I do have some bipolar tendencies) and I described everything I felt/had done in 3 pages. I thought : well if I'm wrong, he'll think that I've invented the whole thing and call me out on it, no one will know it was about myself, they'll just think I cheated. But I had a great mark, and he told me I had successfully captured what mental illness felt like, he also asked me if the patient had BPD. I didn't know what it was (I had heard it before but never looked into it). When I did look it up, suddenly everything made sense and I fit all the criteria. I read testimonies of BPD people, and I swear it could have been me writing them.

Now I was finally convinced that was the right diagnosis, and it kind of lifted up some of the weight, I felt less confused about what was going on in my head and I could at last put a name on it. I thought it would be enough, that I could manage. It was still a secret (I told no one), I was still ashamed... I read that no medication had been proven to be an efficient treatment for BPD yet. I thought: no need to see a pro, he'll just prescribe useless treatments that'll turn me into an apathetic zombie.

Then, about 6 months ago, I almost killed myself.
I've been seeing a therapist for 3 months now, he's a good listener, and even though I'm still not a 100% comfortable with him, he helps me exteriorize everything and put some sense into all of it.

Living with BPD and not being able to talk about it to anyone is a bad idea in my opinion. Nothing good can come out of internalizing it all. Therapy is essentially a work on yourself but a little guidance from a professional can't hurt .
Sometimes, someone who doesn't judge, whose goal is to listen and help you make sense of things can make a big difference.

Hey, thanks for your support. Your story sounds interesting.
I'm afraid of letting anyone know about certain aspects of my past or self punishment. Even though I have bursts of emotions when I start talking too much. I was about to give an example that happened yesterday, but it's irrelevant, I think. i'm a suicide survivor, too. I feel like I'm slowly going insane these days. Nothing works well and I can't focus on anything because of how I feel. And it's extremely hard to ignore all of it. That's why I consider going to a therapist. But as far as I know, they cost an arm and a leg, thus, I should let my parents know about it in order to get financial support from them.

madjoe wrote:what makes you think therapy works

If something different worked in your case, I'd like to hear it.

julllia wrote:same i probably have traits not bpd.maybe i have just depression. but i feel is so impossible to go to a therapist but i want to just to try because i suffer.with the depression and the void .life seems meaningless and torture most of the times.
and still i can not bring myself to try to find someone even free because i can not pay.i jst do not know why is so difficult. like is avoidance thing.
i feel very uncomfortable with the idea talking to a stranger i hate it but at the other hand i always wanted to tell things to someone that my whole life i am hiding.
life feels like torture to me. like i have to keep patience 90% of the times holding on suffering.
sometimes i am more ok.especially now that i left toxic environment i feel happy just because of that and gradefull,but also afraid.
if i have it(not sure probably not)i think i am very high funtioning because i can hide everything most of the time.
except the relationships part that is problematic.and the most obvious i think to others that know me better.
generally i wear a mask all the time and i am good at it . i know how to make people to like me and what they want to hear. but i suffer because i do not like wearing it.
when i get angry i go outside or try to hide it,
my mother often says to me how the ###$ i change when i am with people and i become so social.i think is like a talent. most often i want/wish to annoy people or do something shocking just because i feel they suppress me but i do not do it and i do not know why
i didn't always had the mask talent.i just know what people want to hear ,i think is empathy. when i was a kid i was shy and a mess and didn't know how to manipulate people. now i can but the problem is i do not enjoy it at all. i feel suppressed while doing it.
i do not even know if that has anything to do with bpd.has it? i need to ask a therapist probably

At least you can wear that mask all the time, but I reached the point where I can't hold it all in me. And I kinda lack empathy. If I give someone a pencil or some of my food, it's because I don't feel that it's mine. Because it doesn't belong to anyone, because I don't care whose it was. And some ppl take advantage of it. I still don't know the manipulation art, I feel as if I am emotionally underdeveloped. If I feel joy, it's extreme joy, even for a 'thank you'. Same applies to sadness. A few words can ruin my day. And these swings can happen many times a day. I feel like a little dog reacting to rewards and punishments, but these feelings are amplified a lot. They could even influence my capacity of making an important decision.
I don't know whether you have bpd or not, the best idea would be to see a therapist.